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Visits with my 2 year old
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Visits with my 2 year old

Hi. So here is a little backstory. My ex-husband and I have been seperated for almost a year. For the first 3 months of our seperation he had no intrest in our son. After his girlfriend moved in, he suddenly wanted our son every other weekend. Ever since we started doing this, he has become combative when he comes home. He is a well tempered child within 4 days of his return, but he won't sleep, he won't eat, he hits, he kicks, he bites, and throws horrible temper tantrums. He is fine after 4 days and back to his normal self. But then after he comes home from his fathers house, it's the same thing. So this past weekend I suggested trying shorter frequent visits that I had heard about from a couple of websites. I just don't know what the typical visitation for a 2 year old is because he can't seem to handle every other weekend. Any advice?????
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373034_tn?1204157628
Could you try doing shorter visits every weekend?  Maybe for 6 hours or something for starters?  You could work up to longer visits. I feel sorry for your little guy here.  Good luckto you in finding a schedule that works out for everyone.
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Avatar_m_tn
Do NOT do like redneck mom said!  If anything what you need to try first is seeing if you and your ex can get on the same sheet of music and have the same rules at each household.

Just out of curiousity who left who? Typically in America they say one partner is preparing oneself for a break up about 6 months before it happens.  Usually the woman.  What type of arrangement do the two of you have?  Court ordered? Married/ Divorced?

Have the two of you tried to put together a parenting plan?
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373034_tn?1204157628
Having the same rules at each home is important.  Who left who doesn't seem to matter here.  What matters is a 2 year old boy who needs more consistency and less time away from his main home.  Since his main home is with mom, I feel he should go to dad's on a more regular, consistent schedule for much less time.  Work your way up to a full weekend.  I imagine this child is very confused.  Good luck and I hope you can work something out.  Maybe some family counseling could help if everyone would agree to it. Believe it or not even couples who are separated do this for their children.
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Avatar_m_tn
At two years old there is no reason why this should not be 50/50.  I agree with the family counseling though.

Who left who is important though because is it possible that when your son is with his father you feel jealous and take it out on your son just enough to cause him to react back?

The less time but more consistent is a catch phrase used by parents who are afraid that the child is bonding  "too much" with the other parent.
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373034_tn?1204157628
I don't know who told you about that "catch phrase".  I don't personally have to deal with these issues in my home.  I do work with a lot of people who do.  While each case is different, this does work. Most, and  I am only saying most, parents don't get jealous about their child having a healthy relationship with the other parent.  Some do, and some are just out to hurt the other parent.  I don't see that with this poster.  I do agree that the visitation should be 50/50.  This works out when both parents actually want their children. (Not when one  justs want support payments, or one just doesn't want to pay them)
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Avatar_m_tn
"Most, and  I am only saying most, parents don't get jealous about their child having a healthy relationship with the other parent."

Look up the stats on divorce and how many women want the father out of a child's life.  The last research I saw had the number upwardly past 80%

Check me on this one.  I've seen the stats and had it pulled on me.
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373034_tn?1204157628
The only time I have ever seen women do this is when they are digging for money and don't want to work for it themselves or the father is a genuine danger to the child.  No research I have ever done suggests that 80% of women, or divorced women don't want the father to be a part of the child's life.   A women's activist would say the opposite to be in women's favor.  There are arguments all over the place.  It is a shame that the courts don't look into each case more individually. I think that they should.   As it sits, many times women get the children first, with the father having to wait and go to court spending time and money to get their children more often.  This does not in any way mean that the mother doesn't want their child to have the father in his/her life.  That is just the way the court system works right now.

I am truly sorry if you have a woman from your past who was not fair to you about child custody and/or divorce.  However, most women aren't like that.  I hope that your child is happy and you are happy.  Whomever did that to you has to live with her decision.  The child will soon know who really cared about his/her wellbeing and who just wanted to hurt someone else.
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377600_tn?1225167036
Divorce is awful on children no matter the age.  You will both have to come up with a better plan.  I think MORE time should be spent with the father--a 50/50 deal.

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Avatar_m_tn
Actually the bit with jealousy is normal and if you give me some time I can probably dig up some resources that back it.  I believe there was some research in California that back that up.

And if you were talking regarding my son being happy, well personally I'm preparing a legal brief this weekend to try getting custody of him as I just recieved a letter from DCFS saying that mom was found responsible of neglect/abuse.
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373034_tn?1204157628
I'm sorry your son is going through all of that.  Hopefully things can improve for him.
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Avatar_f_tn
and Community:  I think that a parenting plan is a good idea, although it depends on what part of the country you are in and what the domestic laws are in your state,  I am a domestic paralegal and have worked in this area of law for over 18 years in Missouri.  I am not an attorney and nothing I say should be considered legal advice (just trying to protect myself) but in Missouri, parties are required by law to enter into a parenting plan, most people who have their children's best interest at heart enter into a joint parenting plan, but sometimes, the court enters it's own which the Judge thinks is what in the best interest of the minor child/ren.  In Missouri, we have a progressive visitation period based on age, Mothers and Fathers need to remember that what they do and say impacts the children a great deal which is mostly invisible to grown-ups.  I don't know how many of you feel as I am new to this forum.  But in my line of work and from what I see in it, there is alot of parental alienation going on and most of the time, it is when a third party enters the picture.  I agree alot of people are only concerned about how much child support they can/will receive, it is a crying shame.  I think that if a child is acting out with either parent or both, the child should go to counseling and the parents should go to a class that sets out the do and don'ts of divorced and separated parents.  I am sorry your son is going thru this, but it is important to see what the underlying cause is.  I would suggest you learn as much as you can about parental alienation and see if you see any signs of it.  If not, that is good, but obviously there is something wrong.  I would try and meet your ex's new girlfriend and try to make peace with them, when your son sees that you are fighting with each other, that could cause him a great deal of stress and always remember that he loves you both equally, you are the adults and you both need to come to terms for the best interest of your son.  I hope this helps.  I am not trying to sound like I am lecturing I am only here to help.  I see terrible things people do to each other and to their children and If I can make a difference in anyone child's life, it would be worth it.
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