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What do you do when your future inlaws HATE you?
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What do you do when your future inlaws HATE you?

My Fiance and I have been engaged for a little over 7 months. We plan on getting married in September 2012. We have been close since Freshman year. Now were Graduating HS and its time for us to start getting serious with our plans for our future. It was difficult in its self until recently it got a lot lot worse, when I found out his parents hate me. They have always been distant when trying to get to know me but it changed everything when they openly told me to get my own life and let my Fiance go. Next year they plan on driving my Fiance to work and COLLEGE an hour away everyday that is if he doesn't go away to play hockey. Not to mention they live in a camper trailer while their house is being built. My Fiance has been sharing a room with his younger sister the size of a closet since 9th grade. They have a very close nit family.. so close that his younger sister 15 still holds hands with their father in public. I can see its hard for them to let their little boy go but even negotiation is useless.  Because I was raised very differently than their son and I do not associate myself with a religion... their religion... I am sinning to god... or so they say. Even though I do have similar beliefs and am open to God. As of now they are doing everything they can to split us up. Saying hurtful things to me and my family at times but kind around their son or for their son. On the other hand my family loves my Fiance and support us completely. It really breaks my heart though that after asking to be part of their family they have completely rejected me. They are also making it really difficult on my Fiance because they doing everything possible to please him and convince him that it wont work to make me look like the bad guy. I really just need any advice I can get. I have never been disrespectful to them even when they attacked me and said extremely hurtful things to me. I really have no idea why they hate me so much I have even in the past tried to help bring the family closer during rough times and defending them when my fiance complained about them. That is up until now. If anyone has been through this please help. This situation has been making me extremely depressed (I have bipolar) and its been causing issues between my fiance. We love each other very much and we both wish that his family would just behave and be happy for us like my family is. Thanks.
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134578_tn?1404951303
All I can say is, prepare for a long, long married life in which your in-laws might never be your friends.  This will put your husband into a very difficult position, as he loves them and wants everyone to get along.  I'm not sure I could go through it again, my problems with my in-law family were greatly reduced after 20 years of marriage when my father-in-law died.  But if someone had advised me up front not to do it, I might have done well by listening.  It is really no fun to have every Christmas, holiday and gathering against a background of disapproval and hostility from an in-law (or several).  Take it seriously, it won't be fun.  (That is, unless somehow you win them over, and that takes a lot of time and a lot of effort, and they also have to try.)
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Avatar_f_tn
Have they said any reasons for why they don't like you?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi.  Well, congratulations on graduating highschool.  That is an accomplishment and a milestone.  

I wonder about something.  I gather you are both around 18.  Could they be upset that their son is considering marrying so young?  I wonder because as a parent------  I would discourage my child from marrying at that age.  Just being honest with you.  Even if I loved the person, I'd want my kid to go and have the college experience and become as educated as possible as to start a career of some sort.  I don't think that means that one can't date-------- but I'd want my kids to accomplish certain things before taking that big step of marriage.  

This may be hard to understand why I'm saying this.  But I'd want the same for you too.  As a woman, the next few years are very important for your stability in life.  Furthering your education is the best option whether in college or community college or a trade school.  I'd want my daughter to live independently from me and her father as well as a boyfriend or husband for a bit of time.  It is important for the psyche of being able to handle life on your own.  Again, I say that as a lady in my 40's that has always felt like interdependence comes after independence.  You are still in the dependent stage of life as your parents support you.  You need to fully move from that to independent and after that you are set to be interdependent with a spouse/significant other.  

So, If their upset comes because of a couple of things including your young age as well as differences in major things like religion (which is a big deal to some families) and I'm sure other things-------- what can you do?  Well, you can assure them that you want their son to progress and be all he can be. You're supportive of him getting his degree and working hard.  That you want those things for yourself.  That you won't rush things (nor he) and make sure these things are accomplished.  You can talk openly with them about how you would possibly convert to their religion.  You can tell them that you will be excited to some day be a part of their family.  

But anniebrooke is right.  You must think about some of these things.  This is his family.  Always will be.  It is sad when you can't get along with them.  How he handles it is key.  What does he say about it?
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1564517_tn?1314349923
AnnieBrooke - We are planning on having our first child when I'm 23. I'm hoping a grandchild will soften their hearts. At least that is what I have heard. We love each other very much and neither one of us are willing to give up on each other just to make his parents happy. So leaving isnt an option. But what can we do to lessen the tension?

Sweetpea03 - They have said things like we are sinning to God by being together, I wasn't raised right, I'm taking away their sons future. I need to get my own life and let him leave (meaning live in another place, even a country away) I will hurt him, I will make him unhappy over time, this is all a mistake. Things like that.

Specialmom - Thank you for your congrats on graduation. I do understand what your saying but I really feel the College experience will cause us to make mistakes. As for independence I have raised myself all my life with the exception of having a home. I currently use a gov ss check each month to support me. Although my fiance grew up with complete and total support. I feel they may not like me teaching him independence. So what do you think about couples and premarital counseling? As for religion I wouldn't be able to convert because it would be a lie about my beliefs. But I am willing to go to their church or a church every once and a while. Or even a liberal church would be an option if they wished but they dont really go to church all that often either.  I did tell them that I came to them to ask to be part of their family and i felt like they were rejecting me. That didn't change anything. I think that they like me as a person as long as i stay away from their son and out of his life because I am not the person they have always imagined for him.

Thank You Everyone For Your Advise! My Fiance also thanks you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Please don't rush to have children just to 'soften their hearts', because that doesn't always work and kids are a huge life change and responsibility. I think the college experience is major and another big milestone. I'll be graduating in another year with my degree and have learned SO much through all of my classes. It really pushes you to grow as a person and opens your mind more. I have loved the college experience and have learned a lot about myself. As specialmom said, it's good to be independent, to make money on your own and have that experience in life. I know that your future inlaws really want that experience for their son because it is a big milestone and education brings a lot of realizations and opens new doors. Would you be willing to wait until after college to marry? Or at least part way through. What does your fiance say to his family about their comments? I thin how he handles those situations will say a lot about where he is in life. Part of growing up would be to begin to separate yourself from your immediate family to become independent and then to begin your own family.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  Well,  being supported by government assistance is not living independently.  This is not something to aspire to.  The college experience and getting further educated is how you become independent financially and able to get ahead in life.  In this day and age, without some extended training of some sort, your options are limited and I'd wish that on no one.  You are clearly articulate and well spoken, you should consider furthering your education and doing your best to end any need for government assistance.  

To help your boyfriend be independent, you need to help him think about his future.  His future is a career of some sort and he needs to prepare for that.  I have no problem with trade schools and find skilled labor to be noble work.  Or he could elect to follow collegate studies and enter into the professional world.  But those should be his only two options and both take his focus and should be his priority for the next 2 to 4 years (if not more.)  I'd settle for nothing less if it were my son.  

Remember that I have something you don't.  Years of life beyond the teenage years.  Life is MUCH more complicated than how you see it at this point.  

Where religion becomes hard is if he has his faith that he has participated in for all these years ingrained in his heart.  He will miss it eventually if taken away from him to please a wife.  It will cause issues when children are in the picture.  Most people that grew up in a religious home want their kids to be brought up with faith.  That is a statistical fact and something you can't totally predict how you'll feel until you've had the children.  The best chance for a successful relationship is one in which the two parties agree on where they stand on key issues------------ finances, religion, communication, etc.  The more a couple has in common, the better the chances of making it for the long haul.  So, now at his young age he may say he is okay with your stand on religion . . . I think this will come back up and be a bigger issue down the road.  Some couples work through this by choosing a faith outside of the one either grew up with--------  and both joining that one as a couple.  Something to think about down the road.  His feelings on what HE wants here are equally important to yours and it will change as your life circumstances change.  (as in getting older and adding things into your life).

You have to remember that the divorce rate is 50% in this country (sadly).  I don't see marriage that way--------- I see it as something that should be forever.  But, I think most people enter into a marriage with the hope it will last.  So, what can one do to make sure it does?  Look at historically what causes divorce in couples.  I hate to say it but the younger you marry, the greater chance statistically for divorce.  Financial troubles, a great cause of divorce.  

Are you afraid that he will cheat on you or you'll lose him if he goes to college?  That worries me.  That is an insecurity that you must deal with because just keeping him close to your side will not make this go away.  If he is committed to you and you are to him, then you should be able to handle the college experience without making mistakes that break you up.  

I strongly believe in premarital counseling.  I wish it were a law that couples would have to do it and LISTEN when the counselor points out that they are going to have struggles.  But it is not a law------------  you are a smart lady to be thinking about doing it.  

I think you have much to think about.  All I've said here is for the only reason of helping you have more information to add into your thought process.  I wish you luck!
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1564517_tn?1314349923
The money I get form the government is for my dad's child support. And the only reason I get help from the government is because I don't have that support from my family not because that's what I want its just how I am able to live day to day.  Very personal topic. And although I don't make that money I have learned how to pay a bill, balance my money, and spend wisely.

My oldest sister met her husband in JH so I personally don't believe that age decides when someone is right for you.

When it comes down to it it really sounds like everyone ASSUMES that we are like ever other high school couple. I do support his religion and we have already agreed on how we will raise are children at least on the main topics such as religion, homeschooling, behavior. Everyday we talk about something new we want as part of our future and how it will work.

Statistics do show a trend but that doesn't mean we are a statistic...

Cheating is not even part of the picture. He wont nor will I ever do that. Were not that type of person and we share a strong trust. We are attached at the hip and have been since we got close and never have got tired of it. Unlike most people we can do everything or nearly everything together and it works! :D

Couples make decisions together and that's what we are doing. We are doing what we can to find what is best for both of us. Communicating and acting on it, because that is what we would do if we were married.

We will be attending premarital counseling as soon as we find an affordable place. :D

As for children, like I said before we will start to have children after I graduate college so I can be there for them. It would be selfish to have anytime before then.

We are planning to get married in 2012... the start of our sophomore year in college.

My fiance is doing his best to stick up for me and us. He wasn't raised to talk back so he is doing his best to stand his ground with his parents being rude. Him doing this in his own way is a part of him becoming independent and doing what he wants with his life for once.

All I can do is take it one day at a time I guess. Thanks again everyone.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Okay.  You confused me in your post before this and I didn't think you were planning on getting a degree.  Good, glad you both are.

I don't know what to tell you.  I try not to make assumptions but I do know you are young.  Many of the best lessons I learned in life came as the years passed.  I think you have some lessons ahead.  I'm not downing your age or telling you are wrong, but I do know that my years have taught me much.  

I'm going to stay on topic and not discuss whether your life plan for yourself is one I'd want for you.  I was only pointing out that if it were my son, it would not be exactly what I had hoped for him.  I do want my sons to find a great partner and to happily marry--------  but yeah, I hope that they continue in our faith and I hope that they do not marry out of highschool and I hope that I can get along with who they marry and that they don't look at me with everything I do wrong and with the idea to "rescue" my son from us.  Keeping in mind that this is how his family may feel would be helpful to you.

You need to switch your thinking about them.  They GAVE you their son as this great boyfriend that you plan to marry.  They raised him to be a nice person that treats you well.  They provided for him and cared for him and gave him his inner sense of being that is secure and kind.  Be THANKFUL to his parents rather than seeing every wrong thing they've done.  Maybe look to them  for the lessons YOU can learn.  Your boyfriend will be happier and your marriage will be more peaceful if you look at his family that way.  He should remain loyal to them, stay close knit and always remain respectful.  You need to respect him and them in that regard.  They have meant a lot to him and always will.  You either join in that or you become a source of conflict in his life.  Even with all the love he has for you now, that will eventually come back to bite you.  Embrace his family as the great people that raised him!!

I fear the reason you can't do that is due to your own childhood.  I feel like you resent what he had and want it gone.  I could be off base but am pretty sure that working on the past pains of your own childhood will make you more loving toward others such as his family and supportive of his need for them.  
good luck
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973741_tn?1342346373
I really did want to comment on how great I think it is you want to do premarital counseling and that in general, you are thinking about the things that will affect a marriage with your boyfriend.  That shows me that you are definately mature for your age.  My comments are meant only to help and I do hope the very best for you and that you have a happy and great life.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I wouldn't say that age defines whether a relationship will last or not, but statistics say something about the general population. Everything thinks they will not be a statistic and they are the exception, but that's not always the case, so we have to be careful with our decisions and what we do in our lives. We were talking about this the other day in my social psychology class about relationships and marriage. The couple has a greater chance of staying married if they marry after the age of 20, both grew up in stable, two-parent homes, dated for a long while before marriage, are well and similarly educated, enjoy a stable income from a good job, did not cohabit or become pregnant before marriage, are religiously committed, and are of similar age, faith, and education. It calls these predictors of a more lasting marriage. A long lasting marriage is best if based on stable friendship and compatible backgrounds, interests, habits, and values, and not just passionate love. Of course you don't need all of the predictors in order to have a long lasting relationship, but if you have none of them, then it can spell trouble down the road. Things can be great now, but as you add on more responsibility and stress as you get older, it can cause a lot more conflict and problems. Premarital counseling is a great idea to go for, to better learn how to fight fair and communicate better.
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Avatar_f_tn
Something to consider is, in those college years, you really grow a lot as people.  I think sweetpea03 pointed this out as well.  I married when I was 21, and we'd been together since we were 17 & 18.  We both started out in college, but he dropped in and out, constantly changing majors, never had a steady job, still doesn't have one (and we are 33 now), trying to start his own business, makes no money, and spends all his time on his own projects.  I got a BA, then an MA, and started a career in business that I've been at for 10 years, I am the primary caregiver for the kids, I pay all the bills, do the majority of the housework INCLUDING handy(wo)man stuff that MY DAD used to do.  In essence, when we were 17 & 18, we started out sort of in the same place -- had teenage jobs, living with our parents, off of our parents, or close to our parents, squeaking by on meager income but no kids, few responsibilities (no house, for example, and we were still driving our 'first cars'), it was mostly fun and free.   Over time, I 'outgrew' him.  Doesn't mean that I don't have any feelings at all for him but it is VERY difficult to live with someone who is not in the same stage in life as you.  And you can't predict this until you're finally done growing up which I realize in retrospect is several years after high school.  Contrary to your situation, his parents adore me --- because I am playing the part of his MOM and keeping him fed, clothed and sheltered, since he can't seem to / doesn't want to do all that himself (never has, since he moved in with me right after he left his own mom).  My mom HATES him and my dad is sort of ambivalent / doesn't want to make waves.

Not saying this is exactly how it is with you and your fiance, but it is something to give some thought to. You have a lot of growing time still to come.  My parents didn't want me to marry, and at least not so young.  They didn't like my fiance/boyfriend/husband either, but came to deal with it.  In fact, they kept reminding me til I walked up to the altar, that I didn't have to get married.  But I wouldn't listen to that because I knew what I was doing at the time I thought, and now that I'm older, I see their point.  I gave up a lot of my dreams (or rather 'changed' them - traded a promising opportunity for international teaching and travel and acceptance to get my PhD for a 9-5 job that I didn't really like, and am still at!!) so I could be with him or stay with him, since I was so in love and I thought we would always be able to make it work.  Having children - although they are the light of my life - didn't help things, it complicated them and even made them worse (we are more stuck, and my family is more mad, not at the kids or me but at him for making me stuck here!).  I wish I hadn't sacrificed those earlier experiences.  We might have stayed together, we might not have.  But I shouldn't have been fearful of that.  I wish I knew then what I know now; I think I would be a much different (and happier) person.

Maybe that is the position his parents are coming from, and they choose to express this through their religious beliefs, etc.  It may be important to them that their son experience the world on his own a little longer.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry, on re-reading that, I didn't mean to be a big downer :)  You sound like a very sensible and mature young woman and I admire that.  It sounds like you and your fiance are very dedicated to one another and I hope that it works out for you.  But... I also know what it's like to be in the position you both are in, and that it isn't always -- but CAN be -- a smooth drive into Marriage Central and a bumpy ride after that.  Maybe coasting a little farther through your college years before you decide to marry might help his parents deal better, too... and feel better about the decision you both are making.  Admittedly it sounds like they're taking out on you what they fear about their own son's future.  I don't think it has anything to do with you personally... parents can be like angry bears when it comes to protecting their kids and their kids' futures!!
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1564517_tn?1314349923
Your message has been the best thing I have heard from anyone... that includes my temporary therapist, which is pretty sad... just because she is suppose to be their for me. Even without reading the second message your feed back was the best for me personally so far because I understand where your coming from and you did it without judging me. So thank you. I have been thinking lately about giving him time to figure out what hes doing and what he really wants before moving forward in the relationship. I'm just trying to figure out how to do it with out him thinking something is seriously wrong because it will be a big change to how we have always done everything... I also dont want something bad to come from the change. Its a hard position thats for sure. Thank you again for your personal experience and views. Please keep in touch.
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Avatar_f_tn
Omg I want 2 know r u married yet , in laws r a pain . But u can't help who u fall in love with. I have 2 warn u it will be very very very very hard at times. A lot of tong biteing  and walking on egg shells. But if u love him how can u live without him. Ur marrying him not his family and make sure he knows that. Make sure he is being a man and sticking up 4 u.
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