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When to separate from your spouse?
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When to separate from your spouse?

I am at a turning point in my short marriage. I have been with my husband almost 7 years but married for under 2 and considering separating now to save both our sanities. I beleive I forced my husband into the marriage by ultimatum and now I feel horrible and will take all the blame for the marriage being as bad as it is....we have grown apart very quickly, we have nothing in common anymore - he is a couch potato and I am fairly active, I have most of the financial responsibility and getting tired of that - when I try and talk about it with him and his lack of shared money its always a fight - even when I was on unemployment insurance, he sat back and watched me struggle to pay bills and take humiliating calls from creditors..I work full time now and looking for more work to get our debts down while he works part time with no intnetion of full time. I have supported this for 7 months now but I cant anymore.
We say hurtful things to each other and neither offering apologies later, the sex ***** when we do have it (every 3 months?). I have not considered an affair, that is too disrespectful but I am at breaking point and this morning I catually called my husband a parasite to which he responded with a barrage of hurtful things including no one likes me thats why I have no friends....can you see where this is going??? He said he will be out of our home this week and I have no idea how I even feel about that. To separate ot not to separate is the question killing me right now....has anyone else been on this brink of separation and was able to turn the marriage around? Ultimatly I would like to but I dont want to beat a dead horse either...
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Avatar_m_tn
Oddly most divorces take place after the wife has her income increase past her partners (even in lesbian relationships) or women on many of the relationship boards will say that they are waiting to leave untile they are more secure financially.  Kinda selfish actually so far as parasitic behaviors go.

If you have kids both of you should get counseling, his behavior is actually somewhat indicative of passive aggressive or depressive states of mind.

If you don't you should go before you do, and should have probably left long before you were in a more secure position.
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285927_tn?1380802356
My parents never had a fight to my knowledge. If they disagreed about how to handle us kids (10) of us, we never knew about it. They were married over 50 years. They married when my mother was 13.

Our current generation has nothing that would make a marriage last 50 years. We are in love with the idea of being in love and will hop into arelationship with both feet and sprint our way thru to divorce in such a short period of time.

The things I see missing these days are (1) Committment. committment is a decision, not a feeling. It means I have pledged myself to live my life with you thru all things, for better or worse. Committment is now a feeling.
(2) Respect. respect is the key to keeping the committment part. Treating our significat other like we want them to treat us. Words leave deep scars, whether we appologize for them or not.

We spend 3wks to 3 months with someone and then start looking for a lifelong committment, and wonder what is wrong if we do not hear those words I luv u and want to spend my life with you.  We invest more thought and time into our college careers.

Personally, I think we need to make it harder to get married and even harder to get divorced, with the exception of physical abuse situations of course. The people who pay most for our actions of course are the ones we love the most. Our children.

Only you know what you can and cannot live with, and what it is going to take to turn it around. But one thing I do agree on. If you are going to leave, then leave. Cut short the belittling and tearing each other down. After all, you both at one time claimed you loved each other. Be kind to each other.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your insight and I agree with everything you said. Because we have no children, it is so easy to say "I'm leaving". I want to try and I want to make small changes, I just hope my husband feels the same way. We are to discuss our options on Thursday.
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940642_tn?1336067111
I have been married for 10 years, together for 15 total. We recently went thru a difficult patch and I thought it might end in divorce.  We got close to "the brink"  We are not 100% ot of the woods yet but we are on the right track.

The way you have described your husband makes him sound very difficult to stay with. However I suppose you two must have had something in common when you were dating and early in the marraige.  Its time to start thinking about those things again.  What was it that you did then that you dont do now?

The first advice that I always hear or read is that if you want to save or change your marraige, you first have to work on or change YOURSELF.  After all you have told me he sounds like he needs to change, but if you start changing the relationship has no choice but to change.  And hopefully the changes will be positive.  Talking to friends or relatives that have been thru bad times can help you with perspective or ideas.  Some of the self-help books might give you some good ideas, or of course a marraige counselor.

Unless he is physically abusive, I've also read that you need to give it ONE YEAR from the time you decide that you need to get a divorce.  That's a long time, but that is what I read.

You need to see a marraige counselor.  I think you both also need (maybe him more than you) to check if you are depressed.  There are two sides to the story and I bet his sounds a lot different and perhaps you will each start to see the other's side in a new light once you speak with an independent 3rd party.

Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the advice. I ahve brought up the idead about a marriage councellor before and my husband was not willing to go...but this time I may push the idea. Hopefully he will be receptive since this is the closest we have come to separating - maybe we both need a wake up call on how to re-kindle what we once had.
Thanks
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940642_tn?1336067111
You can go to a marraige counselor without your husband.  My wife did not want to go at first so I went without her.  Eventually she did go with me, but she missed a meeting and was late to a few meetings, her way of showing her distaste for the whole thing.

Now I cannot say that the counselor saved our marraige, I think she and I did it together by working hard on it.  But going to a counselor let my wife see how concerned I was and absolutely dedicated and committed to saving our marraige.  That in itself was helpful.

There is one thing we have that I dont think you have...  an 8 year old daughter.  I would walk thru the fires of hell for her.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi to all who may read this. I am desperate for help. Here is a nutshell of my problem. I met my husband when I was 16. He was 22 and in college. We had a one night stand and didn't talk after, but we got back to being friends and we stayed that way until I was 19. We began dating serious and he was so great. One day I don't even remember what it was but we got into it, and he got in my face cornering me into a closet screaming at me and throwing everything he could. I left and he wooed me back. Over the next year we lived together and had several more fights like the first one. I always went back because he said he loved me. Anyways his mom is a nut and extremely religious so she pressured him into proposing to me when I was 20. We married in Vegas (just us). The first year of marriage we got along somewhat but the fights were there and his temper seemed to be getting worse. Our first (I'm considering) physical fight was Thanksgiving day of 2007. After all the fights I found myself fighting back instead of cowering, so on Thanksgiving he was again in my face yelling so I flipped him off right in his face, he grabbed my wrist and shoved my hand back into my face. Hard enough that my lip was split open and swollen and I fell really hard. I again left and he called his mom crying telling her what he did. So we went to a "Christian Counselor" that his mom chose!!!  We told the pastor what happened and he said that he needed to get his temper under control. So from then on until we split his temper grew. our fights included calling each other every name we could think of. He punched holes in our wall, pushed me into the dirt knocking the wind out of me, broke all MY possessions, (never his!!) and just really hating each other. Yet after the fights, he would say: "you know I love you, if you wouldn't make me so mad I wouldn't react that way.."   I also used to be somewhat of an emotional person. He was not. I used to cry after our fights and cry at sad movies. By the end, I realized I couldn't cry anymore, it was like my survival instincts made me numb. So in February of this year when I got my first check from my new job, (because I wasn't working, I was going to school) I had enough to put a deposit down and move out. He was desperate begging me not to leave and saying that we just never gave counseling a chance. I was in survival mode so I ignored his pleas and packed really fast. I started dating an old friend immediately which I know was a huge mistake. I was soooo afraid to be alone without my husband. Since we had been together so long. Well its been six months now. Up until now I haven't thought about him much or anything, but now I just can't stop. The bad things that made me leave him have seemed to fade away and only the good memories are what I've been thinking about. I have talked to him twice recently just to see how he felt after all this time. I think I just wanted to hear him say sorry for making me leave. Unfortunately he was very mean on the phone, he blamed everything on me and my family. I was very hurt and felt stupid for calling him.    I wanted to have children, and almost did with him, but knew that he wouldn't stop and I couldn't put my kids through watching his abuse. So my mom says I'm exhibiting symptoms of a battered wife. yet, I feel like I miss him for a reason and maybe I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving him. There is so much damage between him and I, and especially his family, they were very upset that I deserted my marriage, instead of doing the Godly thing and just stay in it. So I can't see how it would ever work out, the whole town thinks I left him for another guy, and my husband believes it as well. Our divorce is final in September, I'm feeling second thoughts on mailing the papers, it's like the final goodbye. Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm desperate, I just want to hear his voice one more time.   Am I crazy?
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't think at this point there is anyway to turn the marriage around. It just seems like you two just weren't made for each other. I'm so sorry to hear about the verbal abuse. I think that if you guys stay together a whole lot longer, it's just gonna get worse. There is someone out there much better than him and someone who is perfect for you and will never hurt you in any way. It's gonna be bumpy road that leads you to the you need. Good luck!
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Avatar_m_tn

Thank you Sara2009. I'm so glad you took the time to read my super-long boring post. It means alot to me, I just got home from town and couldn't wait to see if someone had responded. You said exactly what I know is the truth. I just wish I could get over missing him. I must be one sick puppy to miss someone that didn't really even love me. Hopefully I will feel better soon.
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Avatar_m_tn
Elli, I read your post and you sound a lot like me. A person who puts everything into her marriage and doesn't really get anything out. I know that the thought of leaving your husband seems to be something you possibly cannot do, but the way I see it is, if I were being supported by my spouse(which I was for a good while) that I would do everything to pitch in in areas I could. Like making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house, all of which without being asked to.  I have also been the one to support the other person, and there is nothing worse than when your not appreciated for your hard work. It's not like you want a thank you card everyday for paying the bills, but resentment will set in and grow fiercely. I bet you feel a lot of resentment towards him. How could you not?
  And you know what? The fact of you possibly pressuring him into marriage you need to get over that fact. God forbid the man would want to marry after seven years of marriage for Christ's sake. Did you hold a gun to his head?  I'm assuming no, lol, so he consented just as much as you, that's all there is to it. It seems like he resents you for wanting to marry him so he's just letting you take the brunt of all the stress and financial support. You have to remember Elli, that you are only given one life. You have the choice to make it as amazing or as terrible as you'd like. You have grown apart, that's a fact, the other fact is that people hardly ever grow back together. If you decide to leave, (which I have a feeling you are) then don't turn back. You are obviously successful and can easily survive on your own without him. So either sit him down and tell him everything that your thinking and wanting. He's either going to respond with initiative to work things out, or he will do what most people do when they're in denial, they will turn it around on you. Saying things like you make him guilty for not working full-time or not making as much money as you. It will be something manipulative. Just remember what I said. If you don't change this, you never will, and your life will pass you by before you realize.    Good Luck
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940642_tn?1336067111
You've said so much in your post.  It sounds like you answered your own questions.  You should NOT go back to him or any abusive relationship.  Life is too short, the damage lasts too long.

After all that you have endured it is hard for me to imagine that you lasted so long with your abusive husband.  Your mom is absolutely correct that you are acting like a battered wife.

To be honest, I have never understood why women stayed with abusive men, but maybe my recent difficult experience with my wife is similar.  I thought she cheated on me and I thought we were going to get divorced.  In the process, I lost my self-esteem.  I got so low that I didnt feel attractive or worthy of anyone elses love or affection so I clung to her,  which made her loose even more interest in me.

This will sound cliche, but once you derive your happiness, self-worth, and self-esteem FROM WITHIN you will no longer be looking for a relationship or abusive man to make you "whole".

Good luck
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285927_tn?1380802356
Mail the papers, he does not want you! I cannot understand why women want to be treated like dirt and call it love. You dont think much of you do you? You also need counseling or you will turn around and find another loser just like him in a different body. You are gone, dating, so what on earth are you thinking?
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Avatar_m_tn
Well, thank you first of all for being so honest with me. I have been very confused lately that's for sure. So if the both of you feel the same, that I am just really damaged and I need time to heal, then that is what I'm going to do. I don't love myself. I actually despise myself rather. I feel like a failure and a person who couldn't "hang in there." I know that's crazy so hopefully I can turn it all around. I'm going to mail the papers in September and try to never look back. I'm scared of the future, and even more scared to get to know myself again. Atleast now I can cry, that's always a plus. A person told me today that physical abuse is broken arms and bruises. He said that getting "pushed" doesn't constitute abuse by your spouse. Does anyone agree with him? Do you think maybe I overreacted?  Just want to know.... I thought it is anything that involves un-wanted touching??
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285927_tn?1380802356
Words spoke they way they have been constitutes abuse. Shoving is abuse. Your fear of going forward and getting to know yourself again is a result of an abusive relationship. But in order to move forward you must leave the past behind. Fear is a state of mind, you can overcome. I wish for you better things ahead.
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592969_tn?1248329005
If I were in your shoes, I would sit him down and tell him how you feel.  Then, tell him what you expect from him. He can do the same for you.  Then, suggest that you separate for awhile to think about your relationship.  File for legal separation, so that the money separates at this time.  Then, the balls in his court and he can try to change or not.  If he changes and does what you have asked, you can try again. If a man feels that he is about to lose his woman and does not want to lose her, he will make the changes and try at the relationship. Right now, he is much to comfortable and taking you for granted.  You need to shake him up a bit and if he doesn't shake up, then there is no point in continuing a relationship that has already ended.  
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Avatar_m_tn
You went through a lot together and at a very young age and change is scary.  But do believe you did a good decision. ? I agree and believe things would have gotten worse for you.you will find someone that loves you truly and treat you the way you deserve..a new path is your way so enjoy life and enjoy your journey. You are strong and the world awaits you..reach for the stars and go get your dreams..good luck to your new future..
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