Why won't my husband keep a job and what can I do?

I have seriously considered divorcing my husband because of his lack of ability to keep a job.  He either gets fired from or quits every job he gets, some very good ones.  I am working right now, but don't make very much and we have two children. He quit a very good job he had last week because the boss "disrespected" him - he just WALKED off the job, again a good-paying one, not easy to come by in our economy, because of this.  With the holidays coming, our kids needing things, etc.  I am very depressed about this and don't know quite what to do.  I have tried talking to him about it but every time he just blows up and says I only think of him as a paycheck, he wouldn't get mad at me for getting fired (yeah right), etc.  What can I do before this marriage ends?  Today is our 6 year anniversary and I don't want to scrap an otherwise OK marriage due to this issue.  And we CAN'T afford counseling because of no insurance - how can you afford medical insurance or out of pocket counseling when hubby won't work?  Thanks for all advice.

[mayflowers]

Has your husband ever been treated for bi-polar disorder?  It sounds like he's a little paranoid and angry.   Those people will fly off the handle when they think they are being disrespected.  Actually I used to be like that but have since mellowed (meds, therapy, God).

You have a family together so he needs to help support you and the kids.  That's not asking too much at all.  He has to take care of his responsibiliites.   If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he needs to find a job and keep it b/c you can't make it on just your salary.  I know you said he blows up every time you talk to him about it, but how else are you supposed to get your point across unless you leave him and show by your actions that you won't tolerate his lack of employment?  Maybe wait for a time where you are calm and be rational yourself and he is more accepting of your concerns.  Timing is everything in these situations.

Hoping it all works out!  

[fearfactor]

No, he doesn't have bipolar - he has been psychologically evaluated and has NONE of the symptoms but thanks for the advice anyway.  

I'm not leaving because it's against my religious beliefs.  I am just so sick of even living, I am tired of trying.  Guess I will just get a second job.

[sara......]

I would NOT get a second job. This is almost like saying 'its okay for you to be irresponsible and walk away from jobs - I will take care of it all' when HE has a part in supporting his family!
Can you sit down and tell him that you are at the end of your rope, and that you have considered leaving in the past because you do not feel that he takes his responsibilities to his family seriously? This may make him realise how serious you are and that he needs to grow up.  I mean, you work, and I'm sure look after the kids too.
Please don't just get a second job, you would be validating his behaviour. Do not think he will feel automatically feel guilty if you get a 2nd job and change his ways.
Good Luck, sorry you are going through this!

[doodad]

Are you serious? get a second job? do yoiu want your kids to grow up thinking that its ok for an adult to walk out on thier family, thats what your husband is doing by not doing his part. this has nothing to do with you and the kids this had everything to do with your husband thinking that society owes him something. he needs to step up, be a man and take care of his family

[fearfactor]

No, I can't talk to him because he is verbally abusive, too.  If I were to try and talk to him it would just be him berating me and saying I think of him as only a paycheck and want him only for money.  I don't know what to do.  I am so sick of this man it's not even funny!

[sara......]

Wow, that is really bad.......I'm sorry but I could not be in a relationship like this - Can you?? It sounds like it is beyond salvaging, if you cannot even talk to him. I don't want to scare you, but your kids are going to grow up in a disfunctional household, and they may resent you one day for seeing you let yourself get walked all over - have you ever thought of leaving?
Please don't get a second job, like I said its just validating his bad behaviour.........
Sara

[green eyed lady]

Oh I would get another job alright...too save money so I could throw his sorry a*s out!! Good luck to you and you children.

[fearfactor]

I have considered divorce, believe me.  I am just too scared to do it.  It's almost like I am used to the abuse, even though it makes me hurt and sad.  Thanks for your advice, everyone.

[dove3053]

What are you doing? Do you think posting to this forum will solve your problems. I certainly can't hurt. It seems to me like your just sitting around complaining and not willing to do what is necessary to insure your well being and that of your children. So you have choices. You can continue to complain and people will feel sorry for you or you can start to take some positive action. Why don't you get up and out and start changing your life. My guess is you will just keep posting and complaining about things. People get tired of hearing it. It would be nice to see you take some positive action.

Dove

[fearfactor]

Wow - that was really negative.  I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me.  I sincerely doubt myself as to whether I should be mad over these things or not.  I have been going through this for 6 years now....sometimes I doubt myself and think it must be something I am doing to make him act this way.  Plus, I haven't posted on here in days.  I HAVE been taking action, namely, looking for a better job so I can move out with the kids and have called my mom to get some moral support (haven't talked to her in a while).  I have also been talking to trusted friends who are helping me realize it's not ME but HIM with the problem.  Not sure why you went off on me....

[dove3053]

I was trying to get your attention. I was in a relationship much like you are in now. I know the feeling of fear because you have no money and you are lonely. I don't think things will get any better with you and your husband and I think you know that too. I would like to see you move on with your life and not have to depend on anyone. I would like to see you happy. Tell me how you would picture your life without this guy?. For instance what kind of job you would be working at and where you would be living and what kind of new friends would you like to have.

Dove

[dove3053]

I have read fearfactors other posts. I believe she said this man was  very cruel to their dog. I don't think it would be wise for her to stay with him. To tell anyone to stay in an abusive relationship is like signing their death warrant.

Dove

[fearfactor]

Why yes, it's real....I am as real as can be and sitting right here now!!  In the first post, I was just at my wit's end over that particular issue but the other issues have always been in the background.  What is up is that I'm trying to decide whether to try to salvage this marriage and I am just weighing pros & cons.  Believe me, I wish this post was fake and I had a loving husband!  LOL!!

Thanks, everyone for your advice - I have not yet completely decided what to do but have gotten back in touch with some friends and family who are supportive and are helping me in this hard time.  

[dove3053]

I think this post is real. She is just having trouble making her mind up as to what to do. She is not happy but then is afraid to leave because she doesn't know what will happen. I think things will get worse and she will still be there and something very bad may happen. I think she is a battered woman and many stay in a relationship until they are forced to leave by extreme violence.

I was one of these woman. I always hoped that things would get better but they never did. They just got worse. I finally got a restraining order and divorced him and never looked back. At least I try not to.

Dove

[dove3053]

I'm having second thoughts about fearfactor. I wonder now if those posts are real too. Fearfactor just posted and said she is an attorney. That sounds weird to me.

I stand corrected.

Dove

[fearfactor]

You know jack **** about me - people can be abused and still be professionals.  I'm sorry I ever posted on here because obviously the people are all jerks.  

[dove3053]

We only know what you post about yourself and your situation. From your last post you sound anything but porfessional. No need to lash out at everyone because I posted something that offended you.

Dove

[lost_in_the_city]

peace and love!!

[JCFEIRN]

my husband has always quit his job.  he has never had a job for more then 10 months. I want to leave him but he has degenerative disk disease in his back and is bi polar.  I was hopeful he could keep his last job since it was with my daughters boyfriend but now he is saying he is the "grunt! "  and has to do all of the hard ground work without any help.  He is saying that my daughters boyfriend and hired helper are doing and getting along better together then when it was just him.  My daughter says it is because he can't do the job right since he is new at it and the helper can since he is a veteran at it.  My husband is resentful and is going to quit and disassociate himself from the whole thing including family affairs.  what do i do

[teko]

Oh man, have I been there and done that! After years of getting evicted for non payment of rent and having the electric and water shut off everytime I turned around and the kids in a different school every six months. I left. We remained friends. He is still to this day a deadbeat, and still to this day my heart hurts for lost love. I cannot advise you to stay or to leave. Just no this. Be very sure you can walk away forever, and I do mean forever, without looking back with regrets.

[Greatmum27]

Hi there, first off im really sorry to hear you are having a hard time, but i would like to offer some advice. This is a complex issue that involves much more than his inability to hold a job. The immediate problem is that your husband is insensitive to the stress he is placing on you and the family through this conduct. That tells me that you are dealing with someone who is both immature and selfish-traits that certainly go hand in hand.
The issue isn't teaching him how to keep a job; the issue is teaching him how to be reliable and pay attention to whose needs are at the top of the priority list. The fact that he will sabotage a job so he can get laid off because he doesn't like being there, rather than considering that you will suffer, is problematic.

But if you want out, you must earn your way out. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We quit marriage  too soon. Turn over every stone, investigate every potential avenue of rehabilitation before you throw in the towel. You decided to marry this man, and with being married comes facing many problems together.

My relationship advice is: don't suffer in silence - confront the issue.

By that I mean talk to your husband, see a counselor, see your pastor, talk to a trusted friend of yours or his. Do everything you can to find a way to mitigate this unacceptable situation.

Then, if the problem doesn't improve, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and say, 'I was not like him. I didn't quit just because it wasn't fun. I did my work and tried to resolve this problem. Now I can move ahead in life with peace in my heart.'

I hope this relationship advice helps...