YOUR THOUGHTS ON HUSBANDS AFFAIR

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR OPINION,
                                       I have been with my husband for 20 years,we are in are early fourtys,,recently i discovered he was having an affair,yes i suspected it but could never ever think he would actually do it,,i trusted him completely,we were very close,,i found out through his girlfriends husband ,they were seperated and he wanted to work it out with her,,he called my home after the 5 month of the affair but i was at work and my 19 year old daughter answered the phone ;he thought it was me,,he said your husband is having an affair on you and he spends all his days with her,buys her everything and spoils her,,when i came home my daughter told me,i confronted my husband,he denied it all,he said the man is lieing,,i told my husband i believed everything,my husband told me he loved me and it was not true,,8 days whent buy and i found and talked to this man,,yes my husband did have an affair,,i ascked the man why he wanted to find me,he sais she wanted me to find you to let you know about the affair,,because she is pissed off,,because he buys her everything and pays have of all her bills,he spoils her and she wont have that any more,,i ask him who broke up with who,he said they are not broken up,,he told her he needs time and he loves her and he has alot to loose,so she called him and he did not answer,he told me about a secret phone they communicated on,,i checked the phone records and yes the communication continued until i saw this man,,but took time off of work and know they did not see each=other since the phone call to the house,,now husband admits it,,he say he broke off the affair 3 days prior to the man phoneing the house,,then why did he keep contact with her,,he says he made a mistake,,and he thought i would never find out,,he said he would have never left me,and he realize what i mean to him now,,he called the other woman in front of me and said my wife knows everything now and hung up,on her,,i ask him why he did it,,he said it was a mistake ,,he is trying hard hard to make it up,,but queston bother me the man said she gave him an ultimatum your wife or me,,my husband denies it,,he said she broke it off with him,,and he tried to tell her to give him time,,,what do you think,,

[nikki827]

Give him time for what? To find the nerve to tell his wife about the affair? Personally I feel if it were a mistake it would have happened once, he would have told you about it and let you decide if you wanted to work through it. He was comfortable living in your ingnorance. I say leave this man, and his unfaithfullness! Good luck

[lor662]

THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE,I ALSO FORGOT TO MENTION ALL FRIENDS NEW,AND MY OLDER SON ALSO SAW HIM DRIVING IN OUR CAR WITH HER,,I FOUND OUT AFTER THE FACT,,AND SHE HARRASSED ME,,BUY CRANK CALLING THE HOUSE SEVERAL TIMES A DAY TILL I CHANGED THE NUMBER,,SHE ALSO NEW MY HUSBAND HAD A WIFE AND FAMILY,,BUT THAT DID NOT STOP HER,,I NEVER  SPOKE OR CONTACTED HER,,I WOULD NOT STOOP TO HER LEVEL,,AND AS FOR MY HUSBAND ,,HE HUMILIATED ME BEHIND MY BACK..THANKS

[lor662]

I ALSO WHANT TO MENTION,WHY WOULD YOU KEEP CONTACT WITH YOUR MISTRESS IF YOU BRAKE UP,,I THINK HE MIGHT OF LEFT ME,,BUT HE MIGHT HAVE REALIZED AFTER ALL THAT TIME SHE WAS MESSED UP,,,,WHEN HE SAID TO HER HE LOVE HER..I BELIEVE IT,,WHY WOULD SHE LIE,,HE THE CHEATER,I THINK HE JUST GOT CAUGHT AND HAD TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISION,OR FACE THE REALITY OF IT,,EVERY-ONE NEW BUT ME,,EVEN ARE OWN CHILDREN,

[iam1butterfly]

I think that he's telling both you, and the other woman, what he thinks you want to hear. Whatever you decide to do, from this point on... do not trust him.

[mami1323]

I sent you a pm, just to let you know that I know exactly how you feel.

[islander]

He was unable to break off with you first and then pursue a relationship with another. It is so hard to leave something that works so good/functionally for an entire family but as a person you are not fulfilled anymore. People do fall out of lust with each other. Most affairs (meaning more than a one time event) result from a connection that is so fullfilling that it leads to sex. It is too bad the person that feels so sad or stuck, can not do the right thing which is to first seek treatment to make sure it can't be fixed and then leave.  They are scared already before the affair even occurs or is realized. These are the weak.  You are the stronger person in the relationship.  So it is up to you to be able to accept that you were or are no longer completely enough for all his needs but are so good in every other way he could not chance loosing you. Do you let him get treatment? Do you agee to be functional family with no intimacy and still grow old together?  That would stink for you. I think its so hard for the person that was cheated on to be forced to be the one to end it. It was out of their control (because they did not know what they were not providing for the other) and now its over.  But in my opinion, its over. If it were me I would get divorced legally but let him get treatment and give it a try. If I don't feel good about it he can leave.   Good luck to you and know this, he had no strength to alert you of what he needed. He is the one with the problem.

[lor662]

do you feel this way about all affairs or just my situation,thanks

[Key27]

I think your husband should have communicated with you.  I disagree with islander when islander implied that you were not fulfilling  his needs.  This is a typical mentaility of many when a man cheats.  This is not always true.  This allows the man or the cheater off the hook. No, if he married you, he has the responsibility to tell you if he was not happy in an area in the marriage.  8 times out of 10, it is not you, it's him that has the problem.  The truth of the matter is that if he gets with his mistress, he will cheat on her as well.

My former boyfriend cheated on me and he tried to blame me, saying that I didn't do certain things sexually a lot that he like.  As we became sexually comfortable with each other, Our sex life was wonderful--for him and I.  However, he still talk to other women.  He did not matter.  If a person is in a committed relationship, they are suppose to communicate with you.  Men have mouths and brains; they can talk and let us know what's going on.  Just like my ex, some men cheat regardless.  You can be the most beautiful and have good sex, they will still cheat.  A good man is going to think twice---I am not saying a good man won't make a mistake, but not carry on an affair with a women for very long.  This society lets me off the hook too much, they never have to take responsibilty for nothing.  He was suppose to love you not the mistress and he has the responbility to you and his children.  whatever you choose to do, choose smart and make sure you don't be a door mat for anyone.  Everyone is made beautifully and special in God's image and you deserve to be treated as such!

[Key27]

Adding to my previous comment:

  Correction-this society let men off the hook too much

Also, he is spending money on her, he could be investing in your family's future, instead of helping a women he barely knows very well.   He love, time, and money are going to her---This is a HELL NO!   Although I believe people should always try to save their marriage first, but it takes two, he needs to take responsibilty.  And also, many men call thei mistress in front of their wives or girlfriends...that does not mean a thing...my ex did the same thing---action yells and words are just words.

[lor662]

Yes i agree with you,emotionaly he had problems i guess i never new,we where together for 20 years,,19 when we got together,,he says many things after the affair ,like i was his first real girlfriend,,he would have never left me,,that comment is degrading,,i told him wow thanks you would have never left me so your saying you just wanted to screw around on me,,he says i thought you would have never found out,,why is that cause your a good lier and i had full trust in you,,no marriage is perfect,,but our marriage was not bad,,i agree im a good hearted person,,thats why i listen and feel sorry for him begging me to stay,,for some reason i feel sorry for him,,its weird,,thanks key27 for your views

[mami1323]

Oh Lor I got that one to, I would never have left you.  Well thank you so much, should I feel special now?  

[islander]

Sorry I was not following the thread.  I did not mean it was just your fault. He has a problem. You have a problem. In your last reply you admit not knowing he had a problem. How can we know what is going on in someones mind unless they tell us. Many people need to be prompted to discuss their feelings. Especially men. So if our relationship is not intimate in that way (just the talking, listening with no advice) where each partner feels comfortable enough to have a private counseling session if you will with their mate then problems arise.  Who has time for that? lol  
Again if you are okay with living your life with him without making love go for it. If not, you can not change what happened.  You are not alone. Its extremily painful.  Especially when the marriage was for so long. Sometimes you;ll get the feeling it was a waste of your life, you did all this and for what, to be alone.  Its a loss, tremendous and we go through stages.  I hope you get to the peace stage soon. Good luck

[lor662]

Thank you for your opinion,,believe it my husband is sorry,,real sorry,,he is the man he should have been 10 years ago,,he is loveing the emotional connection is there for him,he buys me things now,,he tells me he loves me and means it,,he thanks me for giving him a second chance,,he is open with me,,he is a complete change,,it just was a bad time for him to do all of this now after an affair,,he sais he appreciates me and sorry he did that and hurt me,,,i think he is worry now ,,my feelings are changeing,,he is right,,its funny but the more time goes buy,,i feel like i am ready to leave him,,my feelings are changeing for him,,i feel like you needed an affair to love and appreciate me,,but now i feel im the one who is falling out of love,,i dont no how much longer i can put on this act with him,,he asckes me you dont love me anymore now do you,,i tell him it still bothers me,,and im trying,,

[mami1323]

Are you sure you don't still love him but you are so hurt from what he's done.  I felt the same as you at one time, where no matter what nice things my fiance was doing, I couldn't really appreciate them because they came after something that destroyed me.  Now that more time has gone by, I still don't forgive him and have my doubts but I can appreciate the nice things he does.  It isn't me trying to fake myself into believing that I am happy, I really do love how he treats me know.  It's been almost a year since his affair and I'm just now feeling this way.  So perhaps you need to give it some more time or take that trial separation and see how you feel being apart from him.  It takes a long time to heal.

[lor662]

I honestly dont know if i do,,let me ask you something,do you think it matters who breakes the affair off,,and if the misstress did and your spouse was trying to get back to her and she said no,,would you feel different about him,,and i think they were not broken up befor i found out like he claims,,because he was still calling her as i confirmed through cell phone records,,he tex her 56 times she tex him twice what does that sound like to you,,,it sounds like she broke it off not him,,maybe  he just says what he wants me to hear,,because she dummped him and now he has alot to loose,,lets remember something they lie and cheat for months and now they no how to tell the truth,,please i dont think so,,im just tired i guess of lies,,i was second for months and i dont want to be a choice because she dumped him ,,honestly what you think,,thanks

[mami1323]

I do think it matters who breaks off the affair but we don't really know what happened unless we were a fly on the wall.  All I know is I go by how my fiance is treating me now.  Who knows why they decide that we are really the one's for them.  I have no idea if my fiance is telling me the truth or not, it's up to him to prove it to me.  I know one thing, I've decided to give it another chance then I have to give it that.  Remember it took me a year to get to this place in my mind.  It wasn't overnight.  I can't live my life wondering what happened and why it happened and will it happen again.  Because that is a miserable life.  So I choose to live it to the fullest now and take everything as it comes.  If my fiance were to do anything like this again, I would know that I had the strength to walk away.  I'm not about to let anything like that happen again.  I'm not going to focus on the affiar or on any of the details any more.  It was a promise I made to myself so that I can put all the energy on the relationship and moving forward.  Its not an easy thing to do but I'm willing to do it.  If you feel like you can't then I respect your decisions to do that.  You need to figure out what you want to do.  If you want to stay than you need to try your hardest to work through these issues.  I recommend some couples counseling and some individual counseling.  If you decide it's too much then you need to let go of this marriage so you can have some peace of mind.  I still do recommend individual counseling just so you can work through all of these emotions you are having.  Recovering from an affair has been the hardest thing I ever had to do.  You have more years invested in your marriage so I can only imagine how hard it is for you.  I wish you the best of luck.

[lor662]

Thanks for your opinion,,it helps and i am glad your at the working out forgivness point i know its a struggle...as for me,,20 years together and that was the most cruel act of selfishness and degrading act on my part,,i have a hard time because i think she broke it off not him,,he ruined us finationaly mind the spelling,,you have to wonder what kind of man listenes to his wife say she loves him and does everything a wife does then go spend are money and go sleep with his mistress,,and come back with a smile on there face,,and he says a mistake ,,exactly what was his mistake getting caught,,after all he did brag the affair to all his friends,,so when we were together they new,,that makes me feel so discusted,,my son who is 23 saw him with his girlfriend in our sports car  that took us years to get,, living the life while i was busting my *** off at work,my son told me after i found out not to cause problems,,i dont think i can stand him and every thing he degraded me with,,im a joke to every-one people we know look at us and say behind my back ,,oh her husband ran around on her,,please,,it is still is said till today,,its not like he was trying to hide his affair ,, he had no respect for me  who worked 7 days a week to pay the morgage because he would lie about our savings,,and now im ready to take my youngest daughter i feel and leave his dirty ***,,i need to be away from him,,befor school starts again,,but not after he has nothing,,just like he did to us,,we got on our feet again,,and im the lier now,,ya i tell him i love him back,,but the whole time i think he is a discusting pig,,one day soon,,lets see what he will be driving,,hopefully a bus,,thanks mami

[mami1323]

I can't see forgiveness here from you Lor, to me it sounds like you are done and ready to move on with your life.  It took me a year to forgive my fiance but I had to want to let go of all the hurt and anger in order to do that.  If you can not and you keep focusing on the affair, you will not be able to remain in this marriage.  I don't blame you for it either.  Some can forgive and rebuild the relationship and some can't.  You need to do what makes you happy and if it means letting go of this relationship than that's what you should do.  I wish you the best in whatever you do decide to do.

[lor662]

Thank YOU,as time went buy for me the shock and stress also did,,but its just something i cant forget,,i deserved respect from someone i had children with and shared and devoted my life to,,he also did not use protection,,wich is also another selfish act,,i stay devoted to our bed,,and he gives that aspect of it up to a person he just met,,please,,i dont think so ,,i teach protection to my children,,so i guess he is a child,,who made that decision for me also,,im so glad i stayed though,,just to see and get over the hurt,,but i guess im still hurt,,for the respect of it all,,i gotta hand it to all the woman and men who are affected by us non cheaters,,you are strong and determend people and they are lucky for you for a second chance,,but now after all of this i cant say any-one will ever forget an affair,,its a stab in our hearts to all us who are not selfish and have respect for ourselves and are partners,,when you spend a great amount of years with your partner,,we deserve to be respected,,an affair is degrading to us in every way,,i am leaving him ,and i will leave with more now than i would of when i found out,,i wont even say good bye,,the last time i remember him saying good bye was when he went to sleep with his misstress,,,i wish all happyness for you and stay strong

[mami1323]

Thanks lor, please keep me posted on how life is after your marriage.  I'm sure you will be so much happier.  A weight will be lifted since you have been going back and forth in this bad place for a while.  It is unfair and selfish and completely destroys you as a person.  Recovering from my fiance's affair has been the most difficult thing I've had to do.  I will never want to ever feel that pain again.  I hope you can find happiness and your husband will understand what consequences there are to his careless and thoughtless actions.  Good luck.

[Encephalomalcia]

Your husband is responsible for his actions.  He is the one who promised and said his vows to you.  He was caught cheating and you have a right to be very angry at him. How you can forgive him or forget what has happened, I do not know.  I know for me, I could not.  I am very big on honesty.  At the very beginning, I made it clear to my husband how I felt about cheating and what the consequences would be.  I would definitely leave him.  If you do file for legal separation, make sure that your bank accounts are at the least amount because he will get half if both names are on the accounts.  Try not to think about the other woman and put blame on her.  It is your husband with whom you should be concerned with. He should have been a husband that was honest, a husband you could trust and communicate with and one who respected you.  Do not blame yourself in any way.  If there are problems at home, the spouse should communicate them to the other and not step outside of the marriage.  You are in no way to blame for any of his actions.  I know men like to put a spin on things to try to take some of the blame off of themselves, when they should take responsibility for their actions and accept the consequences.