affairs over computer

Has anyone experienced a spouse or partner having an affair over the internet? My fiance and I have been together for 15 yrs and we have a 13 yr old daughter together. She accidently found out some things on the computer pointing to him having an affair and came to me with it very upset. I done some more digging and sure enough it had been going on since this past May. To say the least I am very upset, angry, hurt and god only knows. I don't even know what to do. At first he denied it all until I told him of the proof. Then he claims its not an affair cause they never had sex or even met. But everyday they talk about how much they love each other and how he is single and want to meet soon to be in each others arms. I am so hurt and confused and don't know what to do. Please help. Any advise?

[wildflower77]

I have not had this experience myself but in my opinion, an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.  An affair is an affair...period.  If you're wanting to work it out, I would suggest getting marital counseling immediately.  Hopefully he will stop his denial once he sees how bad it's hurting you.  Good luck to you.

[mami1323]

I don't blame you for hurting.  It's cheating in my opinion.  Just because there are no physical acts, he's proclaiming his love for someone else and also lying about his status.  He needs to own up to this actions.  If he's making excuses for it and trying to explain himself as innocent than that isn't saying much.  There needs to be remorse and regret, an understanding that what he did was wrong.  Have you confronted the girl?  I would send her an email telling her that you are his fiance and you appreciate it if she wouldn't contact him any longer, just in case she's in the dark or have him do it.  Not that it makes a difference but if she's a real woman she will back off.  If you want to salvage the relationship I suggest counseling.  But to stop it from happening again, he has to realize what he could lose over this and see the error of his ways.  Otherwise, I see him doing it again.

[las03]

Yes, I did contact the other girl through the e-mail I came across. She said she was sorry and had no Idea. Which I believe because he told her he was single. She said she would have no further contact with him and I have been secretly been checking his e-mails over the last 2 days and she has not. He has also been off the computer since I confronted him other than checking weather or something. But he has not once apologized or anything. He said once he was just trying to be nice to her and it got out of hand. But the other girl said he is the one that started the relationship going.  I agree, I believe it is cheating as well. I don't believe you have to have intimacy or personal contact for an affair. I even have trouble looking at him right now. Like I said I just found out this past Monday. He went to kiss me good-bye going off to work this morning and I just turned my head and said go to work. Still in shock. Should I have him  explain to the other girl, or just leave it alone?

[iam1butterfly]

Yeah... leave it alone.
The less contact that he has with the other girl, the better for all.
If anyone deserves an explanation (not an excuse), it's you.

[mami1323]

Yeah I agree, leave it alone.  It is done with, she's probably disgusted and wants nothing to do with him.  I wouldn't even try to make it work with him if he isn't remorseful.  You are not a punching bag, you take it and all's forgiven.  A betrayal is so hard to get over but even more difficult if the other person doesn't feel like they've done anything wrong.  You have a lot to think about.  

[las03]

Well, after 3 long days, He has actually apologized for what he has done. He claims it was just a game and did not realize it would hurt me. ********!! Right now I find that very hard to believe. He says he never meant to hurt me in any way and he does not really love this other girl. He said if It were me that did this he would be devestated and he now sees my point. How do you believe someone that does this to you?! I am so confused. Is this some kind of mid life crisis men do or what? I am still so very angry and hurt. My mind feels like it has been going a hundred miles a min. Today I discovered she had sent him nude pics of herself to his e-mail that I never found the other day. Guess I was too upset. So, I cried all over again and got more angry. I did delete them all off my computer completey. I told him of me e-mailing the other girl to stay away and he got mad at me at first like this is my doing. Is that because of being caught or them wanting to end something themselves? Either way she still has had no further contact. This is gonna take alot of time to get over if it can be worked out. This is an awful thing for anyone to have to go through.

[mami1323]

I think you need to think about being with him.  Again, I would only give him a chance if I felt he was completely remorseful and he is not.  He apologized but still didn't own up to what he did.  By saying it was just a joke doesn't really show you that he was truly sorry for what he did.  Plus, him getting angry that you told the girl makes me think that he was more angry because you blew up his spot with her and now she won't want to have anything to do with him.  If he was truly sorry and wanted to make things work, he wouldn't care if you wrote her back or anything.  He would be bending over backward to make you feel comfortable and basically he would give you the power because he messed up so badly.  I don't really want to use the word power but it's basically like he would know that the ball was in your court and do whatever it is to make you feel better.  He would be humbled and he's not based on what you wrote here.

[las03]

I think you might be right. He does not seem truly sorry for his actions. I learned on the computer this morning he tried e-mailing her AGAIN at 6am while I was taking the dogs out. So, everything he said was just more or less to shut me up I feel!! She has not responded to him as of yet. I can't believe he tried to contact her!!  I think I may ask him to leave the house for awhile so I can sort things out. It is so hard to just throw away 15yrs with someone. And you can't just turn love off either. Other hard part too is going to work like there is nothing wrong in your life.

[mami1323]

Yikes, that's not good.  Do you know what he was trying to communicate to her?  I think you do need to make him leave.  You need space to evaluate your situation and to figure out where this is going to go.  No remorse means he will most likely continue, if not with her than with someone else.  I'm sorry, I know how much this hurts.  Just hang in there and take your time.  No one says you have to decide right now.  But make him feel the consequences to his actions.  Let him realize how hurtful it is and how he destroyed your trust.  This way if you were to work things out with him, he will know what could happen if he were to do it again.

[las03]

He is still saying he loves her through the computer, yet telling me he no longer has contact with her. He does not know of all the proof that I have on them. He contacted her again at 2am today. Do men think we can be this stupid and not know? I still have not kicked him out as of yet. (as you can tell). How can he continue this and keep telling her he loves her so much and the 2 of them have never even met! I don't understand it at. Our daughter is heartbroken as well. She can't even hug him anymore or tell him she loves him. She is only 13, how sad is that. You would think that if anything else would wake him up. This is gonna have to come to an end real quick. I can't keep doing this to myself or my daughter much longer.

[mami1323]

I responded to you in the other post.  I'm so sorry.  It is really sad and pathetic.  She knows about you and doesn't even care.  There hasn't even been physical contact so how could they possibly love eachother?  Men don't realize how smart and methodical us women can be when we want to know something.  I am a master detective when I want to be.  People don't realize the consequences until after it is smacked right in their face.  I would show him that you know it's still going on and kick him out.  Let him feel the pain, why should you hurt on your own.  He will be the one without a family and if this woman thinks she's won herself anything than she is dumb. She won herself a man who will cheat on his wife of 15 years and his daughter.  What does she think he will do to her?

[Bob534]

Men really are too much sometimes. Girl, I have been there! My ex cheated on me on-line with women who were younger than me but MORBIDLY OBESE. Not onw of them was less than 250 pounds. I am thin and attractive. i stuck by this man only to find he had this whole other side to him, fetish wise. I also discovered VERY graphic and disturbing violence/rape type of porn that creeped me out. I also found out he was masquerading as ME on the internet and talking to people sexually using MY images for years, both men and women. FREAKY STUFF. Needless to say we are through. He has nothing to do with my daughter. He has since vanished from my life. You are married, and it's different I guess when you are that committed to one another. Do whatever you feel is right. Maybe try make him jealous, see if HE likes it if you talk to me on-line.

Good Luck!

[las03]

I would love to make him jealous. I have told him the other day I had to go to court for a ticket violation, which I got out of and I just said to him the reason I got out of it was because I flirted with the cop and how sexy he was and he was getting alittle pissed. But the cop never showed so it was thrown out. I thought it was funny. I said, well, if you can have "friends so can I" He did not like that at all.

[mami1323]

Oh well...too bad for him.  

[las03]

My thought exactly! lol I loved it! Well, Update. Its been a week and so far no contact between the 2 of them. We'll see how things go. He has gotten better around the house and other things and trying to make up.

[mami1323]

Maybe he realized that he didn't want to lose his family over this.  I hope it all works out for you.  Come and check out the infidelity forum.  We have about 21 members now and it's a great way to meet other women going through similar situations.

[las03]

Thanks, I will be sure to do that. Keep you posted.