any advice for a young single mum?

So I just took a pregnancy test and im pregnant, im going to get a test done by my doctor this week, but i feel pregnant. here is the kicker, im 20 years old, My ex bf just dumped me, He is from australia, I moved there and gave up everything for him, he lied to me about doing drugs and then sent me back to america, all within two weeks, as soon as i got home he told me he didnt love me anymore and i just found out im pregnant. I could really use some advice from someone who has been in a similar situation...and what you did...keep it or.......im just lost help?

[cheshchesh819]

hey,i know this is heartbreaking but as i said in my last answer,all contact should be stopped even your mother,tell her to block him all this is doing is causing you so much bad vibes and whilst you are trying to make a vert big disission in your life you really dont need the added confusion,sorry to be so blunt but the bottom line here is your ex is a complete waste of living air,let her have him you deserve so much more,let him stay an ex,why the hell anyone would want this drug taking senseless waste of flesh is totally beyound me,please just concentrate on you and your unborn child things will inprove honest.

[mammo]

What a jerk!  I'm sorry you are enduring so much, and I know it's scary.  You have to decide if you want to keep the baby.  I don't believe in abortion, and there are so many loving couples who would want, and love your baby. I was left alone at 23 with 3 babies ages 4 and under, and I made it.  My children were my driving force.  But this is your decision, and a very difficult one to make.  This is your baby, so truly think about this.  I have met many women who at one time had an abortion and it still haunts them to this day.  I know others who gave their baby up to loving people and still struggle with wondering how the child is, what does he/she look like etc.  I know single moms, some by choice who wouldn't trade their lives for anything as their baby has brought them so much joy.  So you see how your choices can affect you.  Talk to your family, and truly think about your choices. I'm sure you will hear from others who can empathize with your situation, and feelings.  I wish you all the best, and do take care.

[AnnieBrooke]

In the U.S. many if not most adoptions now are "open" adoptions, which would allow you to be in touch from time to time with the family who adopts your child.  If it is not the driving desire of your life to be a mother at 21, you should certainly consider it.  As mammo says, there are so many wonderful people out there who are dying to adopt, and nowadays there are nowhere near enough babies to fill the demand.  If you are interested, look into the agencies near you and pick the one with the best reputation, and go from there.

[cheshchesh819]

sounds like you had a lucky escape,now your pregnant not the worst thing in the world,noone can tell you what to do keep it or get an abortion that has to be your choice.One of my friends had an abortion years ago and still regrets it to this day.I am not going to say that bringing up a child is easy either as a couple or on your own,but it is a love that is so overwhelming it is unreal,the rewards weighs out the cons for me,i have my low days but more happy days i wouldnt be without my kids they are my life

[ker539]

thank you so much for everyones advice its really nice to hear. iv now taken 4 home preggo tests now, all positive. Its so weird, its such a unreal feeling like it isnt happening. Everyone has told me to take care of it...including My ex's mother.

I had sent her a email yesterday just telling her whats going on..she had gotten pregnant at my age and kept it and ended up having a beautiful family so i thought she would shed some good advice well all she had to say was that her son was in no shape to handle that kind of responsibility and i was to young to take on a child and that me and jack ( my ex) needed to talk about our future, especially mine.

so i just feel like im a huge burdon now to them. They all think of me as to young like im incapable of having rational thoughts....im afraid to talk to him b/c i dont beileve he is in a good mental state going through drugs and counseling but he is 26 years old and we have had unprotected sex our whole relationship so its no mistake, actually i beileve i got pregnant the day before i left australia when he told me he didnt even care if i got pregnant.. I just know all he is going to say is to get a abortion so i cant even rely on him at all.. =[

[mammo]

Your ex's mom is only thinking of her son, not you and not the baby.  If you want the baby you can do it, women are doing it everyday, everywhere!  How can your ex's mother look at her beautiful child and tell you to "take care of it"  with yours? I'm assuming she means abortion?  You have to do what is in your heart, your decision has to be one you can live with for the rest of your life.  Do you have family that you can rely on?  There is state aid to help you with all this and even pay for you to go to college, where there's a will, there's a way. A baby can bring everyone closer, but you can't live your life as if this will happen.  I'm not sure I'd even want the father around the baby until he is sober, but he should help support the baby, he's just as responsible!  I know you have a big decision to make, and it's has to be yours and what you want for you and your baby.  Feel free to keep talking to us, maybe we can help in some way, I know just having people to talk to about this helps.  Take care.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you don't intend to put the baby up for adoption, you're going to need to have good legal help.  No matter what your ex says or his mother says, your ex has the responsibility to pay child support.  If he is Australian, you are going to need to know the law in Australia in regard to child support, and to have a lawyer in Australia.

Forgive me for saying this, but were you hoping the advent of a baby would make him and/or his family wrap you in a warm embrace?  It doesn't sound like you should expect anything of the sort.  

You need to make your decisions and plans as if nobody is going to help you.  If someone does, that is great, but so far everyone is saying they won't (at least in his family).  I believe they feel you are trying to force something.  So, the decision to keep the baby or put it up for adoption should be made with the full awareness that you are pretty much on your own in raising it if you keep it.  Then go from there -- are you ready to do it on your own?  Adoption is a perfectly honorable (and sometimes very admirable) alternative.

[ker539]

No anniebrooke i didnt expect there family to be that supportive of it they really shelter jack and know that he has been doing drugs on and off for a loooooong time.

But when we were together i actually had gotten extremely close to his family.  I understand she is looking out for her son i really do. I dont want him around in this state not at all i want him in a healthy mind set and not going drugs.

I do have a family i rely on my mother had my brother when she was 23 and the guy left her completely so she understand and i have 8 loving aunties and awesome cousins so i would receive alot of support. Its definitely do able, but yeah im not relying im him being there what so ever , i want him to want to be there obviously and if he doesn't realize what he has then i pity him and its his lose. Im just trying to stay calm and not have a break down b/c i feel i need to be in a calm state to make the right decision and im a strong beilever in whats meant to be is whats meant to be and everything happens for a reason.

im going to set up a doctors app. to know for sure obviously and then i think see a therapist because iv really suppressed everything that he has done to me to just deal with it. i really dont think he truly understand what he has done. right before i left australia he told me he wouldn't care if he had gotten me pregnant, and told me this was just temporary and that he wasn't going to let the only girl hes loved walk out of his life, he even told me to leave some of my stuff there, b/c i would see him again, he even sprayed one of shirts with his fragrance and gave it to me and told me to just smell this when i missed him jsut a lot of stuff liek that, then as soon as i got home 5 days later, he told me he didnt think he loved me and that was basically the whole conversation its like he has completely de sensitized himself i just dont understand and im just trying to focus right now on what is best for me, because he clearly does not give two sh*ts right now and i cant rely on him for any support, but him saying you need to get a abortion and i dont need to talk to him for him to send me back to square one and feeling awful about myself

[mammo]

You are definitely over-whelmed and with good reason!  I would also have expected a different reaction out of his mother, after all this is her grandchild!  I know as a parent, if I were in her shoes I would be feeling pretty bad about the whole situation and do everything to help you and would make my son get his act together for the sake of the baby.  I could never just write someone off like that!  I'm glad you have so much support, but I know the way he handled things has thrown you for a loop, and now you learn you're pregnant. If you keep the baby, it will truly be a big loss for all of them!! Like you, I believe things happen for a reason, and sometimes these things end up being  a great blessing to us.  You will figure this out, talk to your mom she'll understand.  Take care.

[ker539]

thank you for all the kind words its nice to see!

[ker539]

well just keeping everyone updated, His mother just emailed me and asked me to get a abortion, and im just shocked. thats all she could say, nothing supportive whatever so ever, just asked me if i would get one. wow

[AnnieBrooke]

You said to me in an earlier post, "I didnt expect there family to be that supportive of it."  So, why, after everything else that has been said by them, were you now "shocked" that they said "nothing supportive whatever?"   Don't be shocked!  Don't live under an illusion, because to the extent that you are, that will be the extent to which you will be basing your decision about what to do on unreality and wishful thinking.

The reason I'm talking like this is not un-supportive, no matter how it might sound.  I'm wanting you to be able to decide your future course of action without any illusion that the future might hold some support from his family for your decision not to have an abortion, or someone 'coming around' because of their own history of when they had a baby, or your boyfriend having a change of heart, or his mother realizing how much she loves you, etc. etc. etc.   You have got to take these hopes out of the equation when you are making up your mind about what to do.  They have clearly convinced themself that you are now another complexity to the problem of their son, and know he's hopeless, and they don't want it to fall onto them to be responsible for anything more (probably because it's hard enough for them to be responsible for him as it is).  

To make a good decision, it has to be based on reality as best you can, and the reality of this situation unfortunately does not include them (except that your ex will have to pay up for support).  

Take care, I really am not meaning to sound harsh.

[teko]

I dont want to sound harsh either but you need a wake up call. You did not use protection, which tells me you act on emotion instead of reason. You give up everything n go running off to some dude who does drugs and rejects you, now your pregnant, And only 20. Missy, you got to sit down and clear the fog for starters and look at the real side of things. You will of course make the decision to go forward with this pregnance, but you need to realize that you ultimately will be responsible for this childs care and upbringing. You need to turn to your family for support and not count on this guy or his family, cause frankly, he probably is going to be absent. You need to think about getting an education that will pay the bills, as this is not going to be easy. You are overwhelmed right now so after a few weeks or months, you need to sit down and put down on paper what it takes to live and budget and take steps to be able to do it yourself. Your life is about to change drastically but you can do this if you put your mind to it. Speaking as a Mother, If my daughter did this, I would be upset with her yes, but would support her and point her in the direction she needed to go. The decision has been made, you are pregnant so you go from there. Good luck

[mammo]

I would ask your ex's mother to not email you, and tell her you clearly see where she stands on this, but it is MY decision to do as I see fit with my baby!  She sounds like she has issues of her own and you don't need someone like her in your life.  Your ex and his mother are toxic to you, stick with your family for support.  

[ker539]

thank you for all the different opinions. Its not harsh its life. I talked to him today on the phone, he did tell me that he wasnt going to be there for the child or me and wanted to clearly state that he regrets nothing that he did to me, and that he was not going to be with me, even though i didnt ask him to, me and him together is really the last thing on my mind because he has treated me so awfully. I dont know what to do, I really dont know if I want to have this baby and bring it up in such a negative environment  i really dont know what to do now especially having said talked to him. He told me i was selfish and said some not so nice things...i dont know how much more of all of this i can mentally take

[AnnieBrooke]

On the one hand, you say that you never had any interest in having the baby's father involved, and that you have 8 loving aunties and awesome cousins so you'd have a lot of support.  On the other, you say "I really dont know if I want to have this baby and bring it up in such a negative environment."  What is negative about 8 loving aunties and awesome cousins and a lot of support?  Isn't that where you live?  Or are you still feeling to some extent that the Australians should act a part?  They are saying clearly that they don't want to.

I agree with teko that you need time to adjust to the situation, and then to sit down and maybe write it all out.  You're going to need to figure out your future, your job now and future career, your emotional support, your options, and (if you keep the baby) how to accomplish all the legals between you and Australia so there is some money to help take care of the baby along with what you earn.  

The fact that you keep being surprised and getting emotional when the ex and his family keep saying they don't want you to have the baby -- well, it's surprising that you keep being surprised.  Don't hope or assume that they will step up, and you'll make better decisions.  

Good luck!

[mammo]

Ditto on what Annie wrote!

[cheshchesh819]

listen stop trying to understand your ex he is on drugs,something i will never understand,block his mother fromemailing you and change your number,they have made their feelings quite clear so contact should be stopped,this is no longer up for discussion with them,then you use this time to decide wot you really want to do,knowing you will be doing it without him and his,Good luck.

[ker539]

thank you, yeah that was made pretty clear by them

[specialmom]

Okay, I'm chiming in.  Hope you don't mind.  I'm not going to say what you want to hear right now because if a baby is involved, reality has to set in sometime.  Better before the baby arrives than after so that you aren't surprised.  Raising a baby-------- not easy.  And extremely expensive.  You need to consider some things.  Have you signed up for assistance or are you under your parents for medical care during pregnancy?  Where will you live once the baby is born?  How will you provide an income to care for yourself and the child?  When you are working to make money and possibly going to school to better yourself and have a more stable future, who will watch the child?  Are you willing to be completely sleep deprived to care for your child?  Are you willing to give up the vast vast majority of your personal life because you will be taking care of your baby during any off moment from school or work you have?  All of this must be considered.  Those who sugar coat it for you are trying to stay positive and not scare you.  But------- it is real life and what needs to be considered.  

If you feel comfortable with the above questions and are working out such plans in a realistic way, I'm very proud of you.  But do not get caught up in the "idea" of all of this without thinking about the truth of what it is like.

Just talked to a woman today that has a 22 year old daughter with two kids.  Her daughter wants her to babysit all of the time.  She is so fed up she can scream because she says she already raised her baby and does not want to do so for someone else.  So-------  you have to realize you may have to do it all alone.  Support is great. But it sounds like you will have far less of it than you are expecting/wanting.

So I don't know.  I am a huge fan of adoption.  Sometimes it can be such a beautiful experience for a child.  I am in no way implying that you won't be a good mother and hope that it all works out really well for you.  But it is beyond hard to be a parent.  So if you decide against adoption, just be prepared to answer the questions above.  Not to me------ or anyone here.  But to yourself.  good luck

[ker539]

it just seems my bad luck doesnt end. My mother has a facebook and is friend with him on it. she saw he is now in a relationship with his ex gf who harassed him through out our whole relationship wanting him back and constantly calling textings and he alays told me he was over her and would always say how much he loved me and how he realized he never even loved her all this ********. and his mother told me (called me last night to be supportive to me) told me they have been talking for two weeks now, note he dumped me about 3 weeks ago, this relationship happened yesterday which is when i told him i was pregnant. so he knows im pregnant gets into a relationship with this ex...im so ******* shattered he has zero respect and obviously cares nothing for the baby and would disrespect me and not take me being pregnant seriously what so ever..i didnt sleep at all..i was sick to my stomach all night. im so crushed on top of everything he has a gf, its his ex gf before i dated him, and yet he probally lied to me about her through the whole thing...

[specialmom]

Well, you DID say he is on drugs . . . and he really hasn't shown you much respect for a while now . . . and it IS safe to say that he and his family would like the baby to just go away . . . so yes.  I agree.  He's a problem child with more issues than I can list here.  So . . . WHY do you want him back?  You should care for yourself enough to see him for what he is and want better for yourself.  Pregnant or not.  I always worry when someone writes of how creepy a man (or woman) is and is lamenting about their bad luck or they want them back, etc.  YOU really need to ask yourself some tough questions.  Why do you have such low standards for yourself?  Why would you want him in your life?  These are important questions that you need to really think about because they are the key to digging yourself out of this whole.  

Babies are beautiful things.  They are life, hope and joy.  I'm so very worried about the things that you are concerned with instead of what you should be concerned with.  If you are bringing life into this world----------- forget the loser guy who dumped you and make some plans for how to care for that baby.  If he shows back up to be a dad, so be it.  But you obviously can't count on that (and if he is using drugs and is unstable--------- you don't WANT that).  I'm still an advocate for adoption if a person finds themselves in over their head and feel they might not be able to handle the responsibility of a child.  It's hard and your number one priority from now on is that child.  Forget the guy.  
good luck----------  and I mean that with my WHOLE heart!

[ker539]

Nono im not saying i want him back at all, hes treated me awfully, he has no heart. Im going to get a sonogram and see how far along iam. Will i get to see the baby then? if it has a heart beat i absolutly cannot get rid of it..theres no way. its his loss im realizing this im just afraid that if i have it that its going to remind me everyday of him. i dont know my brain is torn in so many ways. I have great support from my family and would welcome and help me in anyway. I can go to school at anytime. thank you specialmom after last night i realized what a heartless basterd he is. obviously his ex gf who he talked so much crap about is his main priority. I love how he knows im pregnant and gets back together with her. karma will find him.

[AnnieBrooke]

Honey, you say you don't want to get back with him, but now you are all disappointed and bummed out that your pregnancy didn't keep him from dating someone else.  Is the intention of the pregnancy to somehow attract him back?  Please don't even go there.

[mammo]

Your baby is alive and growing, it's a living fetus.  It shouldn't matter if he/she reminds you of your ex.  You are so very fortunate to have your family's support.  Be happy that the lousy ex of yours is now someone's else's problem.  He is spinning his wheels with his life!  You can move forward and do very well, while he remains in his poor excuse of a life. Put all your time and effort into where to go from here, his day will come.  

[ker539]

thanks mammo =]

[ker539]

anniebrooke, i understand what your saying, but your not inside my head and you dont know me personally only what im writing down and venting. Im not trying to attract him. hes left me, he is back with his gf, im just saying what is going on with him , im only human i can help but that it makes me sad. I wouldnt be having the baby because of him or to get him back. hes already told me he doesnt want anythign to do with it if i keep it or me, so that is very clear in my mind beleive me.Im disappointed in him yes, because hes not the person i thought him to be, and im sad for the way iv been treated...

[AnnieBrooke]

I was merely responding to you saying:  "I love how he knows im pregnant and gets back together with her. karma will find him."  It sounded a little bit like you thought he was supposed to do something else.  

[cheshchesh819]

hey,i know this is heartbreaking but as i said in my last answer,all contact should be stopped even your mother,tell her to block him all this is doing is causing you so much bad vibes and whilst you are trying to make a vert big disission in your life you really dont need the added confusion,sorry to be so blunt but the bottom line here is your ex is a complete waste of living air,let her have him you deserve so much more,let him stay an ex,why the hell anyone would want this drug taking senseless waste of flesh is totally beyound me,please just concentrate on you and your unborn child things will inprove honest.

[ker539]

exsactly thank you! i went to a service for woman for unplanned pregnancy's with my mum today. I got tested and they set up a ultra sound appointment for me wed. it was the only time slot available. the counselor had a lot of good advice and made me feel alot better. they other a lot of support there for me wether i keep the child or not. im going to take each day by day and i think the ultra sound will be good in helping me make a desicion.

[cheshchesh819]

Good,you sound like a girl who has a sensible head on her shoulders,i am glad you are getting the help you need,please let us know how things go on wednesday

[ker539]

thank you =] i will keep you guys updated. since yesterday it has been alot easier to just let him go, or take him and everything he has done out of the decision. hes made his choice crystal clear, there for has no say! said he didnt want to be a dad, he wasnt going to be there, and i was very selfish for thinking of keeping it, and now he is back with his whorey old girlfriend so! crystal clear now and it has sunk in my head alot more! im excited to see how far along iam but really nervous at the same time

[cheshchesh819]

really glad you are feeling better and believe me the scan is an exciting thing,you sound like you have practically made your mind up what you want to do.

[ker539]

yeah im not sure, i believe wed. will help me with my decision!  and i believe i will be pointed in the right direction. according to the wheel chart, i could be 9 weeks pregnant due to when i last had my period and if thats so i could never get rid of it then, i saw baby models of what they look at 6-11 weekend what they have developed and i didn't think even at 7 weeks it looked anything like a baby, so it was very educating and opened my eyes a lot. Of course im terrified i feel very hurt but some how im doing ok through all of this, i know there is going to be ups and downs, but my family is being incredibly supportive which im very very lucky to have. Of course im also very scared to be a mother so young, im worried i wouldn't be a good mum but im hoping thats a normal fear? i don't know im really just venting here.

[cheshchesh819]

you vent as much as you want you are bound to have these fears even on my third i felt the same but believe me when they come along it is the most natural thing in the world you just bond and love straight away.

[ker539]

yeah a lot of my friends who have children say you and your child grow into each other. I have my ultra sound tomorrow and im sooo anxious!! im so anxious to find out how far along iam! and of course im nervous to find out if the baby is in my tubes or if ill miscarriage. At this point im going to keep him/her. Iv finally just been able to take sh*ithead out of the equation. as bad as it hurts you know but a lot of thoughts and emotions have finally sunk in. im not even going to email him or his family and tell them im keeping it. his mum only emails me when i email her, and shes very short with me like she doesnt care at all and im just seen as a burden to them. all she said was we are concerned for your future and we are sorry for the situation you are in. just very cold, so if they email me and ask me what im doing ill tell them but im soooo drained for caring to much. ill let everyone know tomorrow how the appointment goes!

[mammo]

I think this child was sent to you for a reason, and you will never know love like that of your child. I would not talk to your ex or his mom in any form, just let them wonder.  I know all your decisions are tough, you can't just turn off your feelings because someone has been a jerk.  But you sound mature and are making good decisions regarding all this. You realize that none of them would be a good influence on this child, and you and your family have so much to offer your baby.  It will be their loss, your gain. It's all about the baby and you and the life you will share.  You are entitled to child support from the father, so when you can, see an attorney and find out how this works with him in Australia.  A lot of attorneys offer a free intial consultation, so you can at least find out what your rights are.  Please let us know how the ultrsound goes, we're all thinking of you!

[lovinlyfe06]

wow i know everything you are going through... I got pregnant at 18, the father of my baby left me and got another girl pregnant within a 6mo. time period!!! can you believe that... thats a stabb to the heart.. said he didnt want nothing to do with us and she ended up putting it in his head that he was not the father (mind you he was my first and only guy i had been with..) we told his mom the night i found out i was pregnant and she has been there and supported me ever since.. within the time from when i got pregnant, me and the babydaddy ended up being friends and i've became the other woman... i couldnt let go i loved him... 3years late they broke up she moved outta state and me and the babydaddy got married... just keep your head up for you an your baby... i use to work 2 jobs and go to school full time... family was really supportive.. i wish you the best of luck!!!

[ker539]

So i had my first ultra sound today! iam 10 weeks and 3 days!

It was the most amazing,scary,overwhelming thing iv ever seen. the baby was moving around like crazy like it was doing baby aerobics in my tummy! i cried so much and laughed.

im just incredibly emotionally drained right now and very very exhausted from crying lol. ill post more later im about to go sleep because my brain just wants to turn off right now!

[IrwinStone]

congratulations.

[ker539]

so i Just got a call from a doctor who reviewed my first ultra sound. They want me to come back tomorrow because he saw "shadowing" and what he thinks to be maybe a extra pair of fingers?...He said everything is normal and its nothing bad he thinks it could TWINS!! oh my god. They said they are not sure though because the pictures arent that clear. My brain can seriously not even process the thought of having twins right now Im not allowing my self to freak out until tomorrow!

I did also inform my babys father's parents (because we do not talk right now because he has a new gf) that I was keeping my child and i have not heard back from them, but im not really expecting too.

jeez..