Would you guys consider not giving the baby the baby daddys last name? My husband and I are seperated and soon to file for divorce. He cheated on me while I am pregnant and I dont consider him a good role model to be around my child. I want to raise this baby exclusively.
If he doesn't want to be in the child's life, and if he was a jerk to you, and if he is a terrible role model, those are all tremendous arguments for keeping the man out of the child's life. Does he want to be in the kid's life, though? Will he fight you on it? If not, I don't see what he has to say about anything.
Whether or not he wants to be in the child's life, if you're going to be divorced by the time the baby is born, I don't see any reason to give the kid his last name. It can be odd, taking a kid to school or in other settings, not to have the same last name as your child. You'll want the child to know that the two of you are a team, not he and some missing dad.
Hi and glad your strong about this, good for you. I feel giving the child the fathers last name would be best for the child. As the child grows im sure the father will be involved and would make things seem a bit more normal for the child. Im feel the child will understand that sometimes people have marriage problems and to separate and will have a daddy to call dad no matter what your relationship evolves to.
I honestly feel like the title of a dad should be earned. He has not done much to prove he wants to be a dad. He has done nothing but emotionally hurt me. He told me he had an affair when I was a few weeks pregnant. I have had spotting and reallly high blood pressure due to the emotional distress he has put ne through. When I tell him I dont feel well to please help take care of me he leaves in the middle of the night and comes back late. He confessed to having phone sex with another coworker 4 years ago before we were married and were living together. Apparently the other woman ended it because she got caught by her baby daddy. I feel like I dont know who ive been married to. I dont want him to be part of my childs life even if he wants to be involved. All of our actions have consequences and him losing his wife and child will be the consequences of his actions. I just dont trust him to be a good moral role model for my baby.
I gave my daughter her dads last name at the time we were dating and living together. Though I wasnt in love with him i was sure hed be a great father! I was wrong and i wish i hadnt given her his last name because he hasnt seen her since she was 3 mths old and she is 12 now!
But if i had been married to him i think its a tad different! Whatever you decide realize one the child gets in school its much more of a big deal then when they are 1 or 2! Good luck
I am just going to give my adivice here that i don't think you should put your child into this situation as you are doing by thinking of ways to hurt your husband through your child. Of course you should give your baby their father's name. And regardless of what happens between you and your husband, you should support his role as dad and do whatever you can to help them bond.
I know this situation is hurting you badly. I'm so very sorry for that. But make sure to not use your baby as a pawn of any sort to hurt your husband with. If he is the biggest creep on the earth (which he may be)--- you still need to be supportive of him being the father.
Your feelings of not wanting him to be part of your child's life even if he wants to be involved are out of anger and spite. and that is NOT in the best interest of your child. You'll find after you give birth that it is no longer about us and our feelings but about what is best for the child. And ever child wants two parents whether one was a creep to the other or not.
I guess I'm confused. Does he want to be in the baby's life or does he not? If he does not, and you are not interested in child support, I think I would let his cheating self go. And then you are free to name the baby whatever you would like. But if he does want to be in the baby's life and to be a father to the baby, that is a different ball of wax, because as your husband the law does automatically presume he is the father and there is just a whole lot of moral force in the argument the other ladies are presenting, that a man who wants to be in his child's life has the right to do so. So which is it? Is his cheating a way of saying he wants out and gone, or does he want to be a dad?
I do normally completely agree with you anniebrooke but in the instance of a baby needing a dad, his cheating is not relavent. Sadly, there are a lot of men who didn't do the right thing by their wives but are excellent fathers. Every kid wants to know their mom and dad. If he ends up being damaging to the child, that is when I think a woman cuts ties. Otherwise, they have to put all their own hurt feelings aside for the sake of their child. I realize that it is so very very hard to do.
If this man walked away right now and wanted no contact with the child, that would be so sad for the baby.
But I don't think that is what is going on. She says he wants to be part of the baby's life and she doesn't want him to be. Ugh. NOT good in my opinion.
It's hard being a parent. But on this subject I have a rather strong opinion. I feel bad for any woman that has been cheated on (or any man). It's awful betrayel and when they want to leave you while you are pregnant (for another person or not as it sounds like in the case of this situation)--- wow, it would cut to the bone. but That is very different than looking at your child and saying 'no dad for you.". good luck to the poster
In this series of posts (maybe she has said something else in another thread), shoegal does say she would cut him out whether he wanted to be involved or not, but doesn't say whether he actually wants to be a part of the baby's life. In other words, is this a moot issue or not? I see you and the others took it that she was mad at an interested dad wannabe and was planning to cut him out of her and the baby's life out of spite. I had read it that he was so on his way outta there, and not interested in hanging around to be a dad. So many women on this site have to deal with that problem, and given the heartache it causes -- well for a lot of them it would be better to go before their child is ever disappointed once by an absent dad who had promised to be there. But I guess the thing is, she isn't clarifying how involved he wants to be. I do agree that a child needs a dad, what I can't tell from what she wrote here is that if she were to allow it, would he be it.
I just think for the future hope of the dad and child having a relationship, it says something to have the father's name on the birth certificate. Kids have to bring these to various things. I had to check all the birth certficates, for example, into a second grade log book for football. There was ONE kid out of 40 something that only had their mom on their birth certificate. Acknowledging that there IS a dad might be meaningful to the child at some point.
But it is really the posters choice. I was just trying to give honest feedback. I'm fully supportive of the hurt and betrayel that she must feel. I'm so very very sorry about that. Sadly, that become secondary to doing the right thing by a child. Wishing her lots of luck.
Hi, specialmom, I don't think the o.p. was talking about removing the dad from the birth certificate. All she mentioned was not giving the child the dad's last name. Maybe some states would have a problem if a couple with different last names chose to have the child named the mom's last name instead of the dad's; I don't know. But in any case, I'm not seeing anything here about removing the dad's name from the birth certificate.
Anyway, after pm'ing with someone whose feedback and opinion is more valuable to me than anyone else's except RockRose's, here's my newest opinion:
- If the original poster is turning down an interested dad who will be involved with their child, just because he has behaved badly to her, that is not morally correct because it hurts the child. So all her talk about him being a bad moral example, well, she is not holding the moral high ground if she is wanting to keep him away from their baby just because she is mad at him.
- On the other hand (and this is where my original post came in), if this man is showing by his behavior that he is on his way out and isn't going to ever be reliable in any way, and will do things like fail to pay child support, say he will be there for visitation and then not show up, have various women around, and will not be interested in the child or being a father, then the time to cut the cord is now. Even if that were all true, I wouldn't cut him off the birth certificate. As specialmom says, it will sooner or later matter to the child to HAVE a father, at least there.
Ok to clarify it a bit. My husband did indeed walk out from our home. I tried to tell him he didnt have to be with me as husband and wife but that he should be there for me during my pregnancy and help me with my appointments. He basically refused and left. Im not against him being in the babys life but I dont want to cause my child dissappointment when its father doesnt want to be around. Sometimes as a parent we need to make self sacrifices and hes being selfish. I currently am 3 minths pregnant and very hormonal and dont feel capable of being the bigger person. As time pases and things heal I hope it can change the way I feel but right now hes acting like a coward by running away from his pregnant wife and other responsibilities.
It's hard shoegal. Really hard. your thoughts will change after you have this baby and fall in love. We do change once we become parents. Hopefully he'll step up to the plate to be the father he should be and he should be welcomed to do so as that is what is best for the child. Many couples split up but still coparent. That's the reality here.
PS: My husband went to one doctor's appointment,. My 20 week ultrasound. I went to all others on my own. he was working and busy. Not all men go to these and really, the only help I ever needed in going to the doctor was when I was pregnant for the second time and needed someone to watch my one year old. I do get that you feel lonesome and what should be a happy time is overshadowed with the loss of your relationship.
But once you have the baby, I would see if he wants to be involved. Down the road if he is a creep and has nothing to do with his child, he loses dad rights.
Anyway, I think a counselor would be really helpful for you. Please consider that to work out your emotions.
Also, if you plan on asking for child support (which is the child's right to receive), it is better to put him on the birth certificate. good luck
Giving the baby the fathers last name is traditional. However if you feel that you dont want to give the baby the fathers last name then dont. The baby will know who the father is as im sure you will either tell them or the father will be involved. Plus hes on the birth certificate so its no surprise who it is. I will be due in a couple months and tho the father is involved i will be using my last name.
Good luck and dont let the traditional ways get in YOUR way :)
I have two children with the same father and I'm currently carrying my third from another. My oldest two have their father's last name. I was young we were together thought things would never change, thought eventually we'd get married. But obviously that didn't work out. The father of my third is currently not here. Complicated relationship he's deciding to wait til the baby comes to play daddy. So on that note I decided to give her my last name. I feel it's a privilege for your child to have your last name and until things change like he decides to be here during the easy part then he isn't deserving. I've thought about conversations years from now when she asks why her sister's have their dad's last name and she doesn't and I plan on being completely honest with her. Am I wrong?
Excuss my language but hell no i just got to the part were ui read he cheated on u dont even put his name in the baby name im not doing yhat with my baby due in sept. U have only ur last name ur maiden last name not his ok :)
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