divorce or not?

I am 28 years old and I have been married for 4 years.
My husband is 35 and owns his own company. I was married when I was 23 and he made me sign a prenuptual agreement the NIGHT BEFORE own wedding.
Since then he has been controlling with money, decisions and pretty much everything. it is subtle and almost manipulative (I have to ask for money) we don't really have conversations and he talks to me like a child. In ways I know he loves me but it is also controlling. I have been so depressed and might I add......we don't have sex.
I am scared to leave because I have no job right now and I am afraid I will be homeless and penniless.
I also feel guilty about divorcing bcause I know it will kill him but I feel like I am too young to be this unhappy. I

Does anyone know what I am going through? how do you make it after divorce, when do you know it is time to leave. If anyone is a lawyer do you know about prenups.Thanks

[kathy434]

I don't want to tell you what to decide.  This is something you need to give thought to, and then make a decision for yourself.  I have never been divorced, but I know and understand what you are going through.  I have very high doubts that he will change for the better.

You need to go get a job and keep your income for you, and in your own bank account.  Start saving for that "rainy day" or for when you choose to leave, you will already have a job and you will be able to afford your first apartment.  If you deside to stay, you will control your own money and you don't have to ask him for squat.  He can pay the home, utilities, groceries, health insurance, etc.  But if you have to beg to have basic needs met, you had better realize now what your values are and how they differ from his values.
He is tight and too controlling and he will not change.  He may even get worse with this control.
I believe men who are very controlling are men who live with a lot of fear and they won't share anything.  
You also have got to consider your differences in sexual needs.  If you are not getting your needs met, then realize this is the way he is going to be in the marriage.  If you can't stomach that, then this is a major part of your decision making, because it isn't going to just go away.
He either has no sexual interest, or his interest doesn't include you.
Money is nothing, if you are disrespected, and made to feel inadequate, controlled, and like a child, and you are already unhappy.  You do not need to leave the marriage penniless, or homeless.  You can get a job and save up to set you free.  You are able to live on your own.
You are still a Spring Chicken yet.  You can and will have a active life as a divorced woman.  I would not consider this a failure, to divorce.  I think he is a failure for a husband, friend, lover, and generous individual.  I think he doesn't know what love is.  He doesn't demonstate it.
I don't see that you have anything like a healthy marriage.  These are my opinions because you asked.  But the decision is ultimately yous.  Good luck.   K

[kathy434]

Let me add.  It will not kill him for you to leave.  He may not like it because he is losing his control over you, but he will get over it.  He won't die in a heap of sorrow.  He won't like your decision if you leave, but he will live.  He is a big boy.  I wouldn't worry about him.  He isn't worried about your feelings as they are now.

[doggylove]

Thank you very much!!
I know it is my decision but I feel like right now I AM controlled by money......that is why I stay. This economy is hard as well because no matter how hard I try I cannot find a job (at least a job that will support me) I think maybe I am just so unhappy that my focus is screwed up.........like I can't REALLY find something because I am consumed by these feelings, will I be able to support myself? Is this the right decision? Do I REALLY love him or is this just a rough patch? Do I stay for the money?

I think at this point I am trying to save so I CAN leave. I am so scared.......

Thank you for your input.

[sammy73]

Try the website http://www.keepyourmarriage.com/ControlProduct/CP-PrelaunLP.htm - they sell an e-book on how to deal with a controlling marriage.

I haven't read that book, but I did get the other book they sell, about how to rescue a marriage when your partner says they don't love you any more.  I found it very useful; hopefully this one is too.

No financial interest in this myself, of course, just hope that I'm pointing you to a resource that you'll find useful.

[teko]

Part of what you feel with the insecuity about surviving without him is a result of the control factor. Thats how and why it works so often. I agree, start your own account in your name only and get a job, have yard sales, get a credit card in your name only and save for a rainy day. All women should do this anyway as a good credit issue. Then when you have enough and if you still feel the way you do now, you are under no ones control except your own.

[doggylove]

That is what I have been trying to do. The fact that I have a college degree and NO job is what is scary!! This is a whole other issue, I know.

I would be making minimum wage wherever I go, which will NOT supplement me but I guess I need to keep trying. I know that i can move in with my mom but.....UGH!

See, he doesn't yell or REALLY get mad about things but it is just the way that he talks to me or the things that he does. The worst part about this whole job thing is that three years ago....when the economy was good and I could have been looking, fresh out of college........he said he didn't want me to get a job and that any money I could make he would just PAY me..........like an employee!! He said having two stressed people in the house would be too much. Now i am frantically looking and no hope in sight.....as of now. I just wish I could go back and gotten a job regardless of what he said, but i was not comfortable rocking the boat. SORRY for the rambles

[teko]

Keep looking. Something will turn up when the econemy starts turning around and then if you still feel the way you do, you will be able to move on.  In the meantime I think, you need to have a serious conversation and let him know how you are feeling. That might be enough to turn things around before you walk out and end it.  I hope you do what is going to make you happy, whichever it is. Hugs

[shady_grove]

I had divorce once and now going thru the second one.  This time, he doesn't want to be with me anymore because he lost control over me.  I would highly suggest you to put small money aside $20 here and $30 there...eventually you will have enough money to save up (don't ever tell him you are doing this!).  This is how you can save up and once you decide to walk away, you can actually have something to go by.  Of-course, you will find any work to support you after.  Eventhough you have signed 'prenuptual agreement, you can ask for financial support when you divorce.  Since he is the only one who is making income, he will have to support you after divorce. You need to have proof of your average spending monthly.  You also need to checkout the divorce state law.  Google it and read more to get information before you make a decision.  Good luck.

[kathy434]

Consider telling him you want to visit a girlfriend for a couple weeks and you need him to pay for your flights and spending money.  Or,

Tell him that you decided to take a cruise for a few days or week or however long you choose, and get a girlfriend to meet you to share the cabin and enjoy some laughter.  Laughter is such good medicine.  It puts the endorphines in your brain on a high.  It is a natural pain killer.

The break may be what you need, right now, to clear your head and heart for the time being.  Being away gives you time to consider lots of other perspectives that come to mind.  But the main goal is to have a ball doing stuff you and friend love to do together.

Remind him, should he be resistant, that he said that he would pay you not to have worked.  So now you are collecting your "pay", and make sure it is a good wage for the four years of marriage that you stayed home for him.

I go to my girlfriends every other year or we meet to travel someplace in the US.  Just us two.  We laugh our hearts out and have such fun for a week of exploring, and touring.  This year we are going on my first cruise, her one of a few.  While my husband and his sister are also going, I don't intend on spending the whole time with him.  She and I plan to do things outselves alone.  Then I invited her to stay the rest of the month with us if she pleased.  Well she won't stay the entire month, but we will have time to go antiqueing & exploring, shopping, whatever we want for a week after the cruise.  I never asked my husband for his permission to invite her.  He was a little suprised at my boldness, but there really wasn't anything he could or would say by then.  I am growing too to be more independent.  I understand how scared you feel.  But we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Bit by bit you will have to start giving yourself permission to demand more, to expect more, to install barriers that he understands he cannot cross.  Barriers that are in place to protect you mentally, emotionally, physically.  You are his wife, and demand equal partnership in your marriage, that's respect and dignity and compliments.  Tell him to bury his talking like you are a child because you are an adult and you demand to be treated like an adult.
If he refuses, then treat him like the jerk he is behaving like.  He won't like a taste of his own medicine, for sure, but let him feel what you experience from his treatment of you.  Demand more.  You deserve much better.
What is your college degree in?  I know there are many people struggling for work, who have degrees galore.  It is not you.  It is the economy.  But with some research, try to find one of these professionals who helps you lay out the most eyepopping resumes.  If you still have trouble, contact Dr. Phil.  He knows somebody that does this.  What have you to lose?
And when you land a job, if he has a tantrum and threatens you, just let it roll off your shoulders and go to work.  In time he will cool his heels.  And don't work for his company.  Stay as independent as you can, sock away your money in your name only, and by the time you have a nice little nest egg for yourself, and you still want to leave the marriage, then you have all the income and freedom to make that split.  And you will be alright.  You won't live homeless or pennyless.  You will live with dignity and your head high.

[doggylove]

Ok, so things went own this morning,

When I am REALLY tired I tend to talk in my sleep, and last night i went out with a girlfriend of mine, just for dinner and came home around 9. Last night i just a was saying something about a cop..........have NO idea what that was about. Anyway, this morning he asked me about it and freaked saying he doesn't think I love him anymore and that I am immature and I don't handle things like he wants. I said that I was really young when we got married and he never wanted me to get a job until now and that I really didn't get to grow up etc... He asked if i still loved him and I paused (not good) and said that it is really hard to see the love when I have so much resentment for him.

He started to cry and we both cried and then we kind of....I guess got over it? or resolved it? I was taking a shower and still upset and he opened the door to say goodbye and he was soooooo nice and quietly said that crying makes it more dramatic............like a joke or something!!? Now I am soooooo confused because I don't know how I feel and It was hard for me to say I love you, and when I saw him cry I felt like taking all my feelings back, like I got scared and everything flashed before my eyes about getting divorced, trying to make it on my own, regretting things. It was scary but I realize how he thinks of me and that I REALLY haven't been able to grow up. He has this way of being very manipulative and making ME be the bad guy and it is MY fault. I constantly doubt myself..........It has been the WORST day and now everything seems fine but I feel like there is another storm coming........

[kathy434]

There will lots of storms coming, let me assure you.  But you won't melt in the rain.

Your husband mocked your feelings and your telling him honestly how you felt, by pulling such a low stunt to act like he was crying?  And then to tell you while you are in the shower and can't come back at him, he fights dirty too, that the crying just made it more dramatic!  How insulting!  How insensitive.
Your problems communicating with this jerk are not solved.  He has just told you he cares nothing about your feelings.
Go find any job you can for now even if it means min. wage.  You can be earning money while you are looking for a better job.  Eventually you can get that job you really want.  But not to work when your husband treats you like this will only make you lose more self esteem.  His behavior is mentally and emotionally abusive.  Keep your playing field level by spending time away from home, working and socializing with friends who treat you with dignity and respect.
You didn't deserve what he did to you.