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divorce

My exhusb and I were separated for several years before we divorced and I thought I was o k. Well divorce was final in May of this year. I can't believe it, but I want him back in my life so bad. During the process I didn't try to stop it. I didn't ask him to reconsider his decision. I don't know if it's just separation anxiety or what, but all I a  sudden one day I realized that I still love him. During the time we were separated I would have sexual dreams about him, but I 'chalked that up to the fact that we had a good sex life. Whenever I saw him I wouldn't feel anything for him. But for some reason I'm longing for him. I want to be with him. I want to make love with him. I honestly don't want to feel like this. I haven't dated seriously since we separated and haven't had sex with anyone else. Please tell me why I would be feeling like this now.         PLEASE HELP
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Avatar_n_tn
Well the first question I might ask is why you separated and divorced him?

Secondly, were the reasons were valid, and not merely a lack of morals where sacred things like marriage are easily disposed of based on conditional love or feelings at the time?  Today too many people treat discarding a marriage lightly.  I hope you put heart and soul work into analyzing the true need to kill your marriage.

Having said that, if there were true grounds for divorce, then what you are probaby feeling is remorse, grief, guilt and sadness.  What you are probably grieving is "the marriage" not him.  Do you understand that?  Marriage is as much a concept as a relationship.  

Thirdly, if you haven't been in relatiohship with him since separating, then how could you possibly be in love with him - I mean the "present' him.  What you are in love with is either "the old him you once were in love with" which is now a fantasy, or "the he you dream his is" but in reality probably isn't.

Grieving over marriage death is not wrong, it is something that must happen for you to heal properly.  
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Avatar_n_tn
The answer to your 1st is, he wanted out. He said that he didnt feel for me what I felt for him. I know he wanted to experience other relationships. To your second question, I never had a thought of being with another man. I wanted to live up to the commitment of marriage I felt and still do feel that marriage is sacred. Love is not something that can be turned off. He was the first man I ever loved. My fear is that  I mat never be over him. I've had the opprtunity to be with someone else, but I can't imagine it. From the time we began a sexual relationship, I was commited
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198506_tn?1251160515
I am very sorry for what you are going through.  I know of someone who was in a similar situation...She loved her husband but he said he didn't "know" if he loved her.  They were young when they were married and although she was not a virign he was.  She also suspected he wanted to experience other relationships.  What happened with her is that she got herself into counseling.  She still loved her husband but she realized that she had to come to terms with his decision.  It was extremely painful for her but once she came to see it was out of her control she was able to grieve for the loss of her lover and her marriage.  It's almost like grieving a death.  I think it is very nornal what you are experiencing, perhaps you were still holding out hope and in May when the divorce became final it hit you like a ton of bricks.  Are you seeing a counselor?    
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Avatar_f_tn
All I know is that if I was with someone who didn't "know" that they loved me and they didn't treat me with respect,  I would lose all feeling for that person and leave them.  I have never understood why ppl want to be with ppl that will tell them they don't love them?  In a way, it sounds kind of selfish to me.

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198506_tn?1251160515
I agree that I would not stay with someone that didn't love me, it's degrading and unfair to both parties.  However that is not the same thing as losing love for that person.  You don't just stop feeling something, ufortunately.  It becomes a matter then of pushing through the grief and hurt and getting on with your life without the other.  This poster never mentioned actively trying to get her husband back, she only wants to know why she is still drawn to him.  
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198506_tn?1251160515
You never mentioned feeling angry with your ex-husband.  I am curious about that, did you ever have any anger towards him for marrying you when he didn't feel the same way about you?  
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Avatar_f_tn
I think some ppl are drawn to ppl who don't like them b/c they feel they aren't worthy inside and if they could only make that guy love them again, they would be worthy once more.  It's an ego thing.

I know, I've been there.  Once I realized what I what I doing, I realized what a waste of time it was.  That man wasn't healthy for me.  He couldn't add anything to my life but misery and pain.  Even if I got him back, I wouldn't want him b/c he drove me crazy the first time around.  It's hard but realizing that the person who doesn't love you will never help you when you're down, support you, stick up for you, give you nice presents, isn't really the one you should be with.  Quit wasting time and move on to someone who will give you the world on a platter.  This other guy will never do that. Maybe he will for someone else but never for you so what good is he to me?




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198506_tn?1251160515
All good points but not true for every situation.  No matter the reasons for the disparity, to tell someone to basically just suck it up and get over it and that if they don't they are selfish or somehow unenlightened just adds insult to injury.  Everybody heals at different rates.  It does seem excessive that after being separated "several years" that the OP still has such strong feelings.  I wonder if her and husband had relations during the separation or if husband led her to believe a reconciliation was possible.  I think the OP is stuck and needs to explore the reasons why be they insecurity, low self esteme or whatever.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with you to some extent.  I had spent so much money and time in therapy trying to figure out why I felt the way I did, and never came to a good conclusion until I realized, and felt deep in my heart, that this guy wasn't worth the trouble b/c he couldn't do anything for me. I know this sounds selfish but sometimes in break up, we have to get selfish about our needs. It took a while to get there but I wish some therapist had said this to me instead of wasting my time & money.

For the OP, her ex didn't ask for a reconciliation or try to work at the marriage (but neither did she).   Who needs him?  She doesn't.  

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198506_tn?1251160515
You are right that Therapy isn't for everyone in every situation.  I hope Candygirl knows that she is lovable regardless of whether her husband loved her or not.  

Candygirl...I am fairly sure that your feelings have more to do with the finality of the divorce and the end of a marriage that you held sacred then they do about your ex-husband.
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Avatar_n_tn
If Mayflower says that she would just lose all feelings for that person, shes never had them. I learned that with this situation. Although I knew he wanted out, that didn't change my love for him. I want everyone whose listening to understand is that I don't want to feel like this. From the day he moved out, we never had any sexual contact, of any kind. He never attempted reconciliation. I don't have low self esteem. I have good friends and wonderful children that fill my life. I don't understand why now I feel like this now. As I said prior after the separation I would have dreams and I would wake up angry with myself and God why was I dreaming this. I want to come to terms with this so that i can meet someone new and not be deceptive with secret unresolved feelings for my ex. I wouldn't want to decieve anyone, it hurts, I know it, because Ive been there and fighting to get passed it.
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198506_tn?1251160515
I have some questions but I understand completely if you don't feel like answering.  How long were you and your husband together?  How long were you separated?  Are your children young?  Do you and your ex-husband have an amicable relationship?  

One thing I have learned is you can't just will feelings away.  You have to allow yourself to feel them no matter how uncomfortable they are.  It is very hard to step outside of a familiar situation into the unknown, even if that situation is harmful.    
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Avatar_n_tn
We were together for ten years, separated six, but living in the same city. My children moved 2000 mi. away two years ago. My children are 13 and 15. I almost feel stupid about being honest about the separation. That's why I'm dissapointed in myself. I really thought I was ok. I thought that when my company moved me to another state that the emotional ties would be broken. I want to move on
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198506_tn?1251160515
There is no need to be embarrased.  The great thing about these forums is the anonymity they provide.  You had mentioned that when you see your ex-husband you feel "nothing" for him that it's just these dreams and thoughts that are intrusive, I think thats good that when you are in his presence you feel nothing.  Like I said maybe it's not the man but what he represented to you that is causing you all this torment right now.  I could be wrong, I always hesitate to give advice on this site because each person and situation is so much more complex then can be expressed in a few sentences.  I will say again that what you are feeing isn't abnormal.  It could be many things and I will throw a few possibilities out there.  You said your ex was the first man you ever loved but he basically abandoned you to look for the "next best thing"... of course that's got to hurt.  You are probably terrified to get back on the horse so to speak and risk that rejection again.  You kind of had an excuse not to date prior to May because you were still married but now you are officially single and that's scary.  You also have very strong convictions about marriage and through no fault of your own yours ended, is it possible you are taking the failure of your marriage as a sign that you are not worthy of another of another shot with someone who deserves you.  I can tell you that it is possible to move on even if you feel very strongly that you love your ex-husband still.  The first person you date does not and probably will not be "the one" but in time you will find someone who appreciates you and really loves you.  Has your husband moved on? If he has that can stir up a lot of troublesome feelings too.  The bottom line is you have to develop a mantra that you are loveable and worthy of love.  Stop telling yourself that you will never be over him and start telling yourself that the "right one" is still out there looking for you.  I wish you the best of luck.  
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4975191_tn?1361810971
Have you dated since then?

Sometimes when a "finality" such as a divorce comes along, people tend to cling to what was.  In your case, he left you.  In that, his feelings have progressed, where yours have laid dormant, until this "finality" event.  I don't see where you will see any resolve in this.  He's far from where he was when he initiated this process.
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4975191_tn?1361810971
Crap, I just responded to something 7 years old.
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