divorced and remarried

I am a divorced 38 year old woman married for 18 years, My 13 year old daughter and 17 year old son live with their father. I wanted the children to live with me but they didn't want to leave their school and friends. They have lived in the home all their life.
The problem now is I feel disconnected with the children and feel I have lost control in terms of parenting. I have since remarried and live in another state with my military husband. I see the kids regularly, we do alot of flying, spring breaks, Christmas and summer. The dad is working alot and my children have too much freedom and I am worried about my son who has started hanging around the wrong crowd, smoking pot, and smart mouthing me, which he does to the teachers at school as well. He has a job to keep him busy but still he has time for mischief. I also worry about my daughter,( an honor roll student) and her being around her brothers friends hormonal teen boys. She is still a virgin and has not yet started her period. I want her to live with me but she doesn't want to leave her brother or dad.

what should I do? The dad wants whatever the kids want, and we do well coparenting together.

[sammy73]

Unfortunately, if the kids live with their father, and you don't live close by, there's not a great deal you can do, as far as I can see it.  Your ex is the main parent now, he's the only one that can set the tone and make the rules (does he have a new wife/girlfriend living with them?).

You may do well coparenting, but that doesn't count for a great deal if you are not around enough to be doing a significant share of the parenting.  If you'd moved to a new home close by them, they could be spending more time with you and you could have more influence, and you would also be able to talk more to their father and agree a parenting approach.  However, you moved away, that was your choice, and there are unfortunate consequences of that.

With kids that age, I commend you for letting the children make the choice about who they want to live with, and respecting that choice.  I hope they are still able to come and spend time with you at your new home, at least during vacation, as well as you going there to see them.

If you are really worried here, the only thing I can think of is to have a serious discussion about it with their father.  I hope you two still get on well enough to do this in a calm, serious and adult way.  Even if you do still get on well this won't be easy, because his natural reaction is to take it personally, treat what you have to say as a criticism of him, and he will likely become defensive and disagree with you.  You have to tread VERY carefully and re-assure him constantly that you are not trying to have a go at him, you just care about how your kids are growing up and want to have some input into the process.