had physical fight with ex...all my fault!

So me and my ex of three years broke up a week before Christmas. We had been fighting so much and he said he was broken. We continued to see each other, having sex etc. He told me he didn't think we would get back together and said to see how this goes though. Everything was fine until I found out he was going out.of state to spend new years and I got really upset and he promised me he would spend new years with me. He hugged me and held me too and said he was sorry that he didn't realize it would upset me so much. After Christmas, I got him a really nice pair of headphones and he got me some nice things we were still okay. 2 days after Christmas though he started acting strange and wouldn't really talk. I got him to bring me a movie a needed, but he brought over more then that. He brought over all my stuff. It was odd. Well I was sitting in the car talking to him and asked if we were still doing new years and he said no, that it was for the best and he was going to go ahead out.of state. I started crying and just went through such an emotion of betrayal that I started slapping him and screaming. He has put me through stuff like this before...I felt like it was my breaking point. I started telling him I hated him and when I finally got out of the car I started kicking it and telling him to ******* leave and never come back. He seemed so scared, and I had never done that before. NEVER!  I feel like such an idiot, I really do. I sent him email tonight telling him I am sorry and that I felt bad to the bottom of mmy heart. I feel like I cant forgive myself though. Do you think over time that he may want to see me again and continue being friends, or did I hurt him and scare him too much. If I pick up the pieces, show I am doing okay, do you think it would be safe to confront him one day and tell him I am sorry face to face. I feel stupid even sending that email. I picked up running again to help with the pain and I quit smoking, something he hated. I can't sleep at night and feel like major crap. How can I get him to trust me again and talked to me. We were not just bf and gf, but best friends too! How can I help with the pain and unforgivingness of myself? So it was so long, thank you!

[Londres70]

I think he has indicated he wants this over and done with when he dropped off your belongings and blowing you off for New Year's.   I am NOT sure if he is even going to consider you all "friends" after this.  You are definitely no longer "bf and gf."

I would assume let the email that you have ALREADY sent express your apology.  

Let him be especially after slapping him and screaming at him.  A friend doesn't slap you and scream at you especially when he is doing what is best for him.  

I can imagine this hurts and is unbearable, however, let him walk if that's what he needs and wants.  

You have to find a way to "forgive" you and get through the pain.  

Not sure if the relationship was a "rocky" one; sounds like it, but for what ever reason it was time for him to leave it.  

I would NOT suggest CONTACTING him in any way.  

[specialmom]

Hello, sorry for your break up.  That does hurt, I know.  And we all do make mistakes and handle things badly.  The reality, however, is that there are consequences.  It is hard to get over someone slapping us, cussing us out, kicking our car and basically losing complete control.  That would indicate that on some level---  you have some anger management issues. This is something for you to work on.  And knowing the consequences of behaving like that is some motivation to work on it.  Like I said, we all make mistakes and I can tell you are indeed quite sorry and remorseful---  but this will not take away the fact that he may now see you differently.


Reality also is that you do not want to be his friend.  You two really can't be friends for a long long while if ever because you still have feelings for him.  Friendship doesn't work after boyfriend and girlfriend relationships end (and end badly like this)---  unless both parties have absolutely no feelings with the other.  Until you can be happy for him in finding a new girlfriend-----  you really can't be a true friend.  See what I'm saying?

It is sad when a relationship ends, no doubt about it.  I've had my heart broken before and it is a pain that runs deep.  The best thing to do is to work on you right now.  Take a break from worrying about this and just sit with it.  Get a journal and write feelings in it.  Write a list of what was wrong with the relationship.  Write a list of what you want to accomplish in 2012 for yourself.  Get all of your emotion out on paper.  Exercise, spend time with friends/family.  

You couldn't have prevented the break up as it sounds like this is what he wanted.  Your actions didn't make that happen----  it was raw emotion.  But learning how to handle that for the future is a goal you should have.  We all make mistakes and that is how we learn.  Forgive yourself as you were hurting.  You weren't really hating him or being angry---  you were sad to be losing him.  

I agree to NOT contact him.  

I wish you peace in your heart and you WILL have that again, I promise.  Give it some time.  Good luck

[pula88]

Thank you so much for your words. I have an update about what is going on. You see I planned on not seeing him what so ever either. I was shopping at Walmart and he happened to be there. I walked by him and did't say anything, but I had this feeling ( I am a Christian and go to church, I am not perfect, but I  am working on my relationship with God) and I stopped and went back to him. He said hi to me pleasently and we walked to where he worked, which in a store in the walmart plaza. I asked him if he had seen the email I sent him and he said he had and that he really appreciated it and that he forgave me. He seemed really nervous and such. Well we ended up talking for awhile and I went to his house before he left for TN for New Years with his friends. Yes...we did have sex...but it felt like we weren't just using each other...it was like a goodbye...we both agreed that we needed to stay away from each other and concentrate on being better people ad going for our goals, we both agreed to see each other in a month or longer and see how we felt! We both don't want to be with each other and we know it is not a good thing for us, but we love each other dearly! We HOPE to be friends on day and that is all we can think about. As for being together again, I prayed a lot and I felt like God was telling me that it would happen later on down the road. We both have such a connection to each other no matter what we have both went through and idk if anyone has ever felt that, but it is something you can not ignore for long. I am on a quest to strengthen my relationship with God and loving myself. I know that no one can love me or like me if I don't love myself! The pain is still there, but I know everything will be okay! I don't what exactly will happen with me and my ex, but I know we are both hurt, be both love each other and right now we need to recover from that. Before I got out of his car tonight when he dropped me off, I kissed him on the lips and told him that was my New Years kiss for him and to not let anyone steal it. He broke down and told me how beautiful that was. I told him I loved him and that I would see him later and got out and that was it. I can't wait for the day that I can see him again, but I won't until I KNOW I am ready!

[specialmom]

It is very sad when a relationship as we knew it is over.  You are in new territory now.  He's broken up with you and very well may be sad about it but is not saying anything about undoing it.  I've ended relationships before myself and it can be very painful and sad for you when you do that.  It didn't mean that I wanted to get back together with the person though.  He knows how you feel.  You've not only told him but also had sex with him after he broke up with you.  That is a very clear sign that you are eons away from being able to be his friend.  

You need to fill your time dear.  Try to stay busy and move on for now.  What happens in the future one never knows but I wouldn't make getting back with him your life story.  good luck  

[Londres70]

Specialmom makes some good points; agree.