is it time to separate? everytime he does something wrong, my intolerence is the problem.... If I am in a bad mood about something not even related to him, he makes it about him and then tells me I am crazy... and pushes my buttons further... he never agrees or supports my views on things that are not favorable, and all problems with everyone are my fault regardless of the situation.... when I need his help he fights me and is stubborn and makes me fight for it, but when someone else wants help he jumps, the skys the limit.... I can't ever have a productive conversation to air my grievences he always deflects and turns it around on me, but he has no problem telling me his dislikes and I usually make the adjustments, but he will not... he has a drinking problem and I personally can not tolerate alchol, I have a chemical intolerence to it, and when I do drink and it has a negative effect on me, he leaves me and says he fears for his safety, yet he continues to drink daily, some days are ok, others he get sloppy drunk, I have begged him to stop but instead he drinks more...
I believe the answer to stay or not depends are you willing to work out these problems with him. It appears hes an alcholic and this is your mate. Relationships have good things and bad things and the bad thing is his drinking. So he may need treatment and this will be your road with him. Has he been drinking since day one with him or did this come up later. I ask this to see how his attitude was is he started drinking later in your relationship.
thanks for your reply, in the beginning of our relationship 14 yrs ago, we would go out to have drinks etc, but when we would hang out at home there wasn't any drinking, but slowly his drinking after work began more ovious, he lost his license after a lunch time drinking session but blamed it on the meds he was taking for hurting his back.... he didn't get a dui it was reduced to a lesser charge... 5 yrs into our relationship we got married... and he lost his license again, and again it was reduced to a lesser charge but had to take classes so he wasn't drinking and we got a long great..... then you guessed it, it happened again... this time he did get a dui and I kicked him out.... he promised he would change and actually went to aa, which was required, again, we got along great... but he keeps going back to daily drinking at least 3 at home in the evening but I suspect he goes to a bar in th afternoon before coming home.... I personally know that since I started memopause many years ago, I started very early which is part of my family history, I developed an intolerance to wine and liquor with lots of sugar, and yes, it made me a bit crazy but I stopped doing it.... I can drink beer but have to be really careful.... I also have a history of diabeties in my family, even though we are thin and fit.... so despite my husband knowing all this he continues to drink and only wants to be in environements that include drinking which I do not.... first conflict,,,,, second conflict is that I have always let him do what he wants, even if it means I go to an event alone because he doesn't want to go,,,, and we all experience challenges in life in all areas and the last couple years have been extremely difficult for me, problems with my elderly father, which at the on set, my husband declared he would not help, my father bankrupted himself trading stks online..... and dumped the news on me 1 week after I had serious shoulder surgery..... during which time my husband went away for a weekend while I could not drive,,,, then I had the great misfortune of breaking my other shoulder earlier this year while we were skiing,,,, of course he contunied to ski for the days we had left on our vac, but when I asked him to help me bathe he said he would do it tomorrow.... he was hungry and wanted to go out, without me..... when I got mad he started to yell at me and call me crazy.... I was all med up.... and he had been drinking.... I don't mean to go on but he really blames me for all the problems in our marriage and for all my problems in life..... he never has my back.....
You began this thread by asking "is it time to separate"? and then You Enumerate the Issues and Problems over the Years, and You mention (was it 3?) DUI's and that drinking is a Problem between the Two of You. So, my immediate response is, Yes, it is probably time to separate. If You don't want to live with this, then, DON'T. Perhaps He will make a choice over You or the alcohol. If He chooses You.....isn't that GREAT??!! and if He doesn't.....You need to know that now.
you are correct.... I was just holding on to hope and the once in a while times we got along.... but he blames me and only me for the failure of this relationship..... and how I am so "abusive"".... he does like my angry response to his bad behavior... I have made many attemps to discuss in a rational manner which then turned into horrible fights... and of course I am to blame for that..... I'm just very sad
The thing that concerns me is that you were attracted to him and if you leave you might start the whole thing over again with someone else who is the same. I think to make the correct decision you would need a plan on what you will be doing with your now free time.
Love is NOT supposed to hurt, it is NOT supposed to feel bad. We do not tolerate bad behavior or abuse from Our Friends or Aquaintences - why do We feel it's okay to be mistreated by those We love or those Who profess to love us? Why do we??
That being said, I understand Your sadness - There is good and bad in all relationships but when/if the bad outweighs the good, it may be time for change.
This is never an "easy" road to take but You don't have an "easy" path now. Love is a CHOICE. You can CHOOSE to love SomeOne You are compatible with or You can CHOOSE to live with unhappiness.
thanks for your comments, and I agree.... but because of my own lack of self esteem from having a lonely up bringing, and it was not because I had parents who fought with each other or yelled at me, it's because my mother died when I was very young, and not only did I loss my mother, I lost my mother's family due to some family problem my father had with them.... then to make matters worse when my father met his now wife of 30 yrs, I was 12, he left me and my brother alone alot because she didn't like kids... needless to say we never had a relationship,.... my brother and I aren't close either, he moved out when he was 18 and I was 16....at 21 I almost married someone who was the polar opposite of me but he gave me the attention I wanted and I accepted it even though he wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be with, he drank too much and did drugs, but he was with me every day and we did have fun.... we broke up and it took me a long time to find a slightly better version of him to whom I am now married... m husband loves me for my compassion, but unfortunately he is not able to give the same and now here I am... both fearing being alone and wanting it more than ever....but I have serious doubts because my husband says I am the one who is abusive.... and what I truly am is a person that works hard, is very responsible and is hard on myself and probably too hard on him since he doesn't share the same values as I do, which is pretty clear. I just wish he would say to me that I am a good person but we just want different things, and I could accept that, but instead he is blaming me for the failure of our relationship...
I don't have a plan since I can't reconcile what is happening here, is it me or is it him?? I'm not perfect either....
I read in another post that you are a man.... so tell me, if a woman is in a bad mood because of a bad day at work, how do you handle the situation? when situation is reversed, I listen and try to make him feel better, he, on the hand, can't stand having to listen to me..... and says things like "are you still talking
I want to thank everyone for letting me vent and giving your feed back... I am aware that the drinking problem is the most prevalent since he was more compassionate when he wasn't drinking.... and because of the extraordinary events in my life over the past couple of years, as I explained to him several time, my anger, dissappointment, sadness, etc is very close to the surface, but I guess it is just too difficult for him to think of someone else first... even if that person is his wife.
"he makes me think I am crazy" This would indicate you aren't in a healthy relationship as no one should be making you feel this way. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not worse.
After reading your posts, I would say you are choosing co-dependent relationships and your first marriage is mirroring your second; you married two men with a drinking problem, so I would say the problem would stem from your poor choices as you really never had a good example of how a marriage or a relationship should be. This ALL is stemming back to your upbringing. SO, it's in essense you and him......you both don't mix. In fact, you both need to be working on your OWN issues SEPARATELY and ideally not in a relationship or marriage with anyone at this time.
Sounds like you married these guys to try to have some semblance of a "family" and to feel validated; you really NEVER had this is your life.
Now, you just put up with "this and that" and accept those in between days when the relationship is "doable/ok," then it goes back to status quo/chaotic. Then, he is giving you all these "empty" promises that he will change and he really doesn't. You are only enabling him by staying IF he is unwilling to get help to change or unwilling to change.
Perhaps the reason he is always "pointing the finger" at you and blaming you for everything is because he doesn't want to focus on his issues and he's got plenty of them. Definitely doesn't want to accept responsibility for problems in the marriage.......HUGE red flag.
Do you work? You sound VERY dependent on this man. I would recommend getting more indepedent and getting out of this marriage.
The COMBO of you two is NOT working related to issues from both parties/sides.
Sorry the late reply. Short of counceling you might try some behavior modification. There have been habits created by both of you and would need to be changed to get the communication. Im not a doctor so am only speaking from my lifes experience. As a male and being around other males i noticed that there are a few things that men react to from women, but might not be true for all men and you may have tried this already but to me should get results if repeated. One is silence from the mate and the other is a change in routine. Other readers might say hogwash and that silence is not good as need to talk but this is my opinion only and so far your approach has not worked. A example would be when the 2 of you are sitting as usual and you start the conversation and then he says "are you still talking?" Just say to him thats very rude and you really ruin everything and make him think that you wont talk to him again. He might try to talk at that time but keep the silence. He might get mad and try to force you to talk but thats his tool that he uses and just maybe walk away. The change in routine would be not to finish cooking dinner or what ever else you had started doing for him at that time. This all may sound crude but is a form of behavior modification which can be effective when all else fails. From what you describe he sounds content in his lifestyle but his lifestyle in not taking into consideration your needs. He works hard but you also work hard. Everything you describe is his way of communcating to you that you have allowed for what ever reason. He is blocking your communication to him and this is what you have to change. It wont change over night but should over a course of time. Old habits are hard to break. Your letting him be in control but you also have be in control.
Hi there. You say something very important. You say he has a drinking problem and you can't tolerate alochol. That's really all I need to hear.
When in a relationship---- we can make our partner feel like they are on the top of the world or fabulous OR we can make them feel like they are scum in the gutter and terrible. That is the choice we make with our partners and everyone in a relationship should realize this power and use it accordingly. When you love someone you should lift them up.
He doesn't. In fact, he knows how to aggrevate you more and then blame you when you react. That's terrible in my opinion.
With his drinking issue and his callous way of treating you, I'd ask him to go to couples counseling and see if a third party can help make a difference. If they can't, I'd consider holding out for someone in your life that has a better disposition for being in a relationship with you.
You can love someone that isn't a good match for you. I don't think he sounds like a good match for you. good luck
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