help! this break up has lead to depression

I've been on and off with my girlfriend for 3 years.
it was the worst emotional rollercoaster, but at the end of the day..
I loved her, and the emotional pain, in my mind was worth the 'love' and affection.
I've always been a lonely, and depressed throughout the years.
And it was truly a surprise that she came into my life, and I felt like a changed man.
She's been a very emotional person , I think she might actually be bipolar. She was always hot and cold, and indecisive.
We broke up too many times, because she was unsure if she wanted me.
But recently, it looks like that things are truly over.
This is what truly hearts me, is that she won't be coming back into my life.
She even admitted that I've been so good to her, and she doesn't deserve me..
But that didn't matter to me, I've always been there for her.
..But what triggered my depression, was when I found out 2 weeks later she had a boyfriend.
This sent me into a plummeting depression anfd I have yet to get out of it.
I want her back very badly in my life, because she meant so much to me.
She's single now..but I don't know if I can or what I should do about it..
I know she still has feelings for me, but I'm so unsure what to do.

I'm very envious of her , because I sacrificed so much to fall into a depression...ansd she's the one happy ..not me.
This has brought me a very bleak outlook on life, and I've lost all self worth.
I felt worthless. I thought of ssuicide to end my pain, and thought my soul could finally rest.
I know I shouldn't kill myself over a girl..but these thoughts grow everyday. Its like there's demons in my mind.
What's wrong with me? Am I depressed? Should I contact her? Please! Some help, any answers . Thanks!

[mammo]

I'm sorry you are going thru this, but you have to take a step back and look at the whole picture.  She kept you on an emotional roller coaster which takes it's toll on you with her always being so uncertain of what she wanted.  I don't think she derves you either, you sound like you are a very understanding person and she took advantage of this.  If she still had feelings for you, she would not have been with another guy.  So ask yourself if this is what you would want the rest of your life to be like?  Her never sure if she wants you and you always wondering where you stand with her...don't you deserve better than this?  I don't think she's a happy person, it sounds like she is dealing with her own emotional issues, and her actions prove this.  You are so young and will fall in love again, please do not allow this one relationship define who and what you are!  You deserve someone who KNOWS they love and want you!  If she wants you, you will hear from her, if not then I feel you're better off.  Because of your depression I would seek help with this so that you can get on with your life and be happy again.  I can promise you that you will find someone more deserving of you.  Take the time to get yourself in a better place with this depression by getting help and then start living your life again.  Broken hearts are devestating, but one day you will be so happy and look back on this and see why it had to happen.  Take back your life, and move forward.  This emotional roller coaster has been doing you more harm than good, and this was a toxic relationship for you.  I wish you all the best and take care.

[mammo]

I'm sorry you are going thru this, but you have to take a step back and look at the whole picture.  She kept you on an emotional roller coaster which takes it's toll on you with her always being so uncertain of what she wanted.  I don't think she derves you either, you sound like you are a very understanding person and she took advantage of this.  If she still had feelings for you, she would not have been with another guy.  So ask yourself if this is what you would want the rest of your life to be like?  Her never sure if she wants you and you always wondering where you stand with her...don't you deserve better than this?  I don't think she's a happy person, it sounds like she is dealing with her own emotional issues, and her actions prove this.  You are so young and will fall in love again, please do not allow this one relationship define who and what you are!  You deserve someone who KNOWS they love and want you!  If she wants you, you will hear from her, if not then I feel you're better off.  Because of your depression I would seek help with this so that you can get on with your life and be happy again.  I can promise you that you will find someone more deserving of you.  Take the time to get yourself in a better place with this depression by getting help and then start living your life again.  Broken hearts are devestating, but one day you will be so happy and look back on this and see why it had to happen.  Take back your life, and move forward.  This emotional roller coaster has been doing you more harm than good, and this was a toxic relationship for you.  I wish you all the best and take care.

[chrisjavier]

thank you! i guess, for the 3 years i was with her i was blinded, and offered more myself than i should have.

but where does that leave me? its been so long since i've been alone, where do i go..like whats my first step ? idk i feel stupid, lost really. because i can't believe i trusted her, and everyone warned me. i guess i was addicted to the feeling of being wanted.
i just feel like im in uncharted territories, scared ..but i wanna i break out of this depression.
should i never speak to her again? i really appreciate your insight on my situation, thanks again

[mammo]

Hi!  Do not feel stupid for having a kind heart and trusting another, we have all done this.  You're young and will learn as you go thru life that everything is a learning experience for us, and so long as we learn from our choices it's all that matters.  Love can blind us to seeing the real person, or what is really happening, and it's happens to everyone.  We do feel lost after something like this, but you have to realize that you have an awful lot to offer the right person, who is still out there waiting for you to come along.  Don't beat yourself up over this, try to learn from it.  I think the first thing you need to do is realize that you can enjoy your own company for now.  Once we can be happy with ourselves, we develop a whole new attitude and you will appear, and feel more confident.  If she contacts you, and you want to talk to her it's okay.  Just make sure you keep those "rose colored" glasses off and see her for what she is.  She took advantage of you, is unstable and has no idea what she wants.  You have to be very careful to not allow her to take advantage of you again, which is hard to do at this point.  Find a local clinic and address your self esteem and the depression, this will make you stronger and get you in a much better place in life.  You truly deserve so much more and it will happen for you.  Life is all about lessons, and sometimes these lessons are painful and we don't always understand them but we must learn from them.  Don't sell yourself short, grab onto your life and make it a good one, you don't want to miss a second of it.  Write any time, I'm always here.  Take care.....

[chrisjavier]

is it wrong i feel envious? spiteful? i want revenge, and i want to be the one to inflict it..
my emotions fluxiate when im by myself, for the most part im very down..sad , and feel hopeless. but rarely, i have these bouts of anger and tantrums where im seething.
i feel like i cant do anything about it. and in reality... i cant do anything about it right?
like i'd really like to keep her somewhere in my life, possibly a friend.. later in time.
but is that even possible? i think im still blind, how do i see the world normally? im still wrapped up by her, i was addicted to the pain she brought me..

thanks again, very appreciated

[mammo]

No need to be envious, she has some serious issues she needs to work on.  Feeling spiteful and wanting revenge is normal, but the best way to get even with her is to move on with your life!  When she sees that YOU have moved on and doing just fine without her, this will be the greatest revenge of all!  I think right now you are dwelling a lot on her and you need to occupy your mind in other ways.  Get out with friends, and do things you enjoy.  It's okay to be friends if you can, but you need to let her initiate this, not you.  She will view this as a weakness in you and may start seeing you again until someone else comes along, and you don't need or want to be used this way.  Often it's too painful to remain friends with someone like this, so don't let that get you down either.  You need some time and space to start healing your heart, so that you can start living your life again.  Unfortunately at times like this we don't see clearly and all we know is that we feel so alone, and tend to dwell on the good times with that other person.  Try journaling your feelings, putting your feelings in writing helps so much and it's a way to release them.  Weigh all the pros and cons of the relationship and it will make you realize that it was not a good one.  Time will help immensely and in the meantime try to stay busy with other things and one day you'll realize that you rarely think of her any more.

[chrisjavier]

thank you again,
but i try so hard to keep myself occupied.  i have short glimpses of smiles, then it fades quickly into deep and dark depressed moods. i cant sleep at night because im haunted by nightmares and..shes in all of them. like i can only run so far and distract myself from this. but like i feel so hopeless, like i cant do anything about it. my mind always thinks about her.

and idk if this is an accomplisment, i've been 10 days sober . and its affecting the way i look at life. idk if this is a good thing. im still really scared and shaky right now.

[mammo]

Short glimpses of smiles equals progress!!!  Ten days sober the best ever...CONGRATULATIONS!  I can tell you from my heart that this will get better with time.  You are so young with so much life ahead of you, don't throw it away on a girl who was not good to, or for you!  If this depression is too much then you need to get some help with it, which we all need to do at times.  Therapy can help you learn how to not dwell on this, and help with your self-esteem.  This girl never fully committed to you, you have to ask why you would want her back?  There are clinics that can help you with this.  I just want you to be able to see that you deserve so much more than she gave you!

[chrisjavier]

where can i find clinics? and its a weird feeling for me to be sober, yet im still unhappy with life. and i know i'm still young , but  i wanna find that sense of direction and a postive way to live. a reason for me to keep going, or a reason to strive and achieve.

because every morning is a struggle. just to be woken up by nightmares and memories. then  all i want to do is drown in a substance. im still extremely lost, and i'm skeptical ..still about therapy, because...i've gone down this road alone so far..

and idk about religion because i feel almost, ..idk punished for doing good by God.
i'm almost spiteful and angry. im still shaky, and i just want to be pointed in the right direction, yet it doesnt feel like anyone truly understands!..
i thank you for your time and appreciation once again

[mammo]

Google healthcare clinics in your city.  I'm sure you feel odd being sober, for the first time in a long time you are "feeling" again, and not numb from the alcohol.  If you are in a depression it won't go away by itself, you need help. I think you had depression long before this and coped with self-medicating.  You need to decide what you want out of life and go after it.   Many feel lost at times and expecially at your age, but you have to figure out what you want and go after it.  Get involved in activities that get you around others your age so you start to meet new people.  The fact that you've gone down this road alone is all the more reason to seek therapy!  It will give you someone who truly understands where you're coming from and can help you.  But you're never alone, just read all the posts on this site and see how many are suffering.  My son was extremely ill for years, yet he still found a reason to fight for every day, just one more day.  He woke up every day to horrific pain and suffering, yet he fought for his life.  He lost his battle, but he fought a brave fight.  Now you have to fight, and find reasons to do this.

[chrisjavier]

i think.. before the clinics, im going to talk to a priest, then to the clinics. i think maybe if i find God once again, possibly i'll be happy again. i've been sad.. down and out before.. but its never been this bad. i could function normally without being down. now , its just getting out of bed..is the worse thing anyone can ask me to do.

i'm trying to fight, really am. and you and all the other people who are talking to me through this site are really embracing my problems..and i kinda feel needed, or somewhat filled with worth.
i thank you so much, because.. all i needed was a small boost, each day is a struggle. but all i need is a boost each day to keep going.