long story short: i left and divorced my ex husband because he was emotionally and physically abusive. he doesnt bother calling, visiting, or paying his child support, i left when my daughter was merely a year old.....she doesnt remember him now (at 2.5)
i have (using my own money and means) taken her THE WHOLE WAY to see him once, he was extremely offended when she didnt remember him and blew her off the rest of the visit....i wont do that to her again just to try and let her know him, obviously forcing it doesnt work
as you know, most childrens shows have a two-parent household.....lately she has been saying the word daddy in her babble and play, when we are doodling, asks me to draw a daddy, and has recently started asking where her daddy is.....
i have been changing the subject, but thats not gonna work much longer....
at the moment, shes too young to understand the logic, and i was thinking about just saying daddy lives far away
i know that when she is old enough to understand, i will tell her the truth, and not tell opinions....i dont **** talk her dad in front of her if at all, and i dont want her to base her opinion of him solely on what happened...i want her to be able to choose if she wants to meet him, but also know about the abuse without the abuse stories making her hate him cuz im gonna give benefit of doubt and say he doesnt end up like that with her
i also dont want her to hate me for taking her away from him, etc when she does get to know him.....and say she does like him, and he lies to her about it all....how am i supposed to know she will in her heart know the truth???
i just dont know what to do and didnt know who else to vent to......thinking about posting in other forums as well for as much advice as possible...
Hi, I think that saying that her dad lives far away is fine for a 2.5 year old. I would not say too much at this age. You are right, she won't be able to understand. Do you have any males in your life------- father, brother, male friend that can be a male figure in her life a little more?? That would be great if you can find one. Even the husband of one of your friends.
I do think that you will always need to protect her. I wouldn't allow my child to go visit an abusive man or one that acted so childishly or neglectful in his parental duties. I'd fight for full custody and when she is old enough, she can know that this was for her own protection. That he was violent to you may really have to shape her idea of who he is as that is a good reason to only provide access to him with you present.
But it is very sad to see our kids striving for what they perceive others as having. Try to find others who can be a part of her life and love her---- aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, dear family friends . . . all will build her sense of inner self.
YOu sound like a very caring and loving mother. Peace.
Well, she may but she is now 2. You'll always have to be careful with this man and I think that even if she is 16, you'll have to worry about their time together. Even if she is 18. Even if she is 100. He's a violent, abusive man, right?
I don't think we have to "bash" our ex but being honest with our kids at some point is probably essential when it involves their own safety.
You aren't there yet--------- she's still little. But he became less of a man the moment he put his hands on you. I think the lesson your daughter learns is that SHE doesn't have to take the abuse of a man by the example you have set. That is a powerful teaching moment when she is a young woman.
I hear that you are hurting over her not having a dad. And the reason why I say she doesn't really have a dad is because of his efforts with her . . . or lack of.
I have two moms I know that divorced early on from their kids dad and the dad made no effort for years. The kids got a little older and THEN the dad wanted to come around on HIS terms. They hadn't done much of anything for the kids leading up to this------- how did those kids feel? Like their mom and the people consistently in their life are what is important and not this stranger. The life these kids know and the 'parents' they have are the ones that have been around all along.
So, work on good male role models for her life and feel confident that you've done the right thing to protect yourself AND her. You are a strong woman and she will know that when you tell her the full story some day. goodl uck
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