is this verbal abuse from my husband to me and my daughter?

Hy! I am new inthis country, about 5 years, sorry for the bad english ; )
I am meeried 5 years ago. I met my husband here and we gat married after 3 months. We "survive" all this six years, and we have a beautiful daugther (3 year old). Since he was my boyfriend we just to fight and was olnly him yelling me and i just to cry all the time, I dont remember the reason of the fights. After my duagther was born, i start answer him back, becasue it was hard for me to stay silence and him yelling all the time. he always say when he is mad that sionce she is born everything change, all his life, and he say that i change also, that my life is her, but i think of course is our daughter! I make his breakftas everymorning, work fulltime, and study for my licensed in diet technitian! i wake up at 5.30am and go to sleep at 10.3 or 11am I try to do everything i can so he is happy, he alway complain about life thta he is tired. He is angry when my daughter prefer to be with me than with him for go to bed, or to brush the teeth. i think of course if you are roud she never would like to be with you. she love him, but she almost never look for him. yesterday night she didnt want to have her pijamas with him and was calling me and I was trying to be ready with me so i could go with her. At one moment  my husband (that was her ) start screaming : "stop!! don't scream anymore,you are going to stay here alone, your mother is not the only one here!!" and she start crying laughter and calling for me. then i went to the room I hold her and calm here. I told him, you don't need to scream that way, she is scarry about you!! about the way thta you talk!! and than  he scream to her "you are a liar!" and i was what???? why do you say thta???? he tough, I dont know how, she was saying that he was doing something to her, but she only was crying because she want that i put her pijamas and than he scarry her screaming so laut. I just sleep with because i was a little bit scared for both. I have all my passport adn resident card, and i start saving some money in another acount that onlu i have access, becasue i never how its going to end the fights. if i answer him back he start getting mroe mad and he said allways : " if it would not be for me where would you be in your country??". the last time that i answer him back " i am the one that have BS not you", it was the only time that i said somethign to him like thta, but i am just sick of how he turns, if i try to talk or to say honey clam down we talk tommorrow when you are calm, he continue talking, it is really hard to talk i have to talk very laut too so i can say something. I even have him recorded on my phone \, becasue i don't now at this point if it is just normal fights or verbal abuse??
we went to counseling and he alwasy said we are fine is just the stress, but we work together to make this work, and i am like what???? i am the one that do everything at home and work fulltime, pay bills, study everything!! he only work and thats it. but if I say something he would fight so bad at home, and i am scared it could something happen. he never do anything to me or to my daughter physical but verbal he had told, stupid, i need to look for a better woman, you are nothign here, you are the one that humilied me etc...
at the end i fill sad for him, and i think on my daughter, i dont want to take out her family....
what should i do???help me

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry things are so tough on your, first of all.  

Hindsight is always 20/20----  and I guess I will say that I wish you'd acted on the red flags of your husband's temper and treatment of you before you had a child with him.  That sure complicates things.  It is always best to recognize our partner's faults and move on if they make us unhappy to where we 'take it in silence'.  It is very true that having a child changes things in that we don't want them exposed to things that we maybe put up with and we want them to seek better for themselves when they are older and this is their role model of a relationship.  I get how you want things to be different now that a child is watching.

I have two things-----  first regarding your marriage/partner and the other regarding your child.  Habits form in a relationship pretty quickly and often the cycle of how one is more aggressive and dominant and yells and the other is more docile and avoids is a pattern/habit.  It is always hard to change a habit.  I never give up though until it is clear someone refuses to try or simply can not change the dynamics.  So, during a time in which you two are not fighting and things are not tense and your daughter is busy elsewhere, have a conversation with him.  Tell him that you really want to have a happy relationship and that you feel you both have things you can work on (this is always true as no one is perfect).  This might make him less defensive.  Ask him what you could work on.  Ugh----  I know.  But by hearing what he thinks the problem is helps you see if there are triggers that indeed you could work on as well as making him feel heard about his feelings.  Then you could tell him what areas that bother you.  I'd pick one or two in that initial conversation.  You could term it 'our communication style'.  Then tell him that you'd like it to not be as tense, loud or hostile.  That you'd rather that the two of you share things in a respectful way.  See what he says and if he will work on this.  This is a good time to suggest some marriage therapy that can really aid in helping a couple get on the same page.  

Now, with the idea of chores------  ugh.  Some men grow up thinking that women do everything around the house.  That is not great.  I would ask him casually to do something you need done.  Then praise him for it.  Then give him that job again.  

But, I do hear you saying that he tries to help with your child.  This is great.  This is the second part, and it is about your daughter and the situation you describe.  That is actually typical of that age to prefer one parent over the other and often has nothing to do with a grumpy dad,  My second child did this as well.  He wanted me to do everything and could even cry and throw a fit over it.  My strategy

[specialmom]

sorry, new computer that is touchy and it posted before I was done.

Anyway, my strategy was to say "no.  we are not going to hurt daddy's feelings.  He IS going to get your milk."  I didn't give into it and as he learned that his outbursts weren't going to work, he gave up on it.  

Do you have any support where you live by the way?  

[roma1278]

Thank you for your detail answer!!
I ahve family here, my aunt and my cousin. but when i told him to let my daughter stay for a few hours with them, he said no i do not want to disturb anybody.
I think is right what you said about when she ask for me. I have to show her he is loves her very much.
He has change in some way, if I compare now wiht the beginning. But the "volume" of his voice and what he says is the problem.
I know its my fault, I should tooke a desition before we have her, but you know: i was thinking he would change bla bla bla

[specialmom]

Well, do not lose hope.  He still could change.  Try talking to him about it as I suggested.  If he understands that your main goal is for you to have a peaceful and happy home and not to make him into the bad guy----  he may respond.  I think it is right to expect your partner to speak to you in a respectful manner and not yell at you.  I want HIM to see that this is what he needs to work on-----  so the key is that you two talk in a way that helps him see it without closing off because he feels attacked.  Does that make sense?

I feel like there is hope because you do describe him as wanting to help with your daughter, caring about her and wanting her to love him.  He has a heart and just has bad habits.  

Would he see a marriage counselor?