marijuana conflict

I am wondering if anyone has experience with dating someone who smokes marijuana regularly?  Smoking marijuana is not unusual, but the conflict/problem I do not smoke marijuana and have no interest in doing so.  My boyfriend  smokes a lot, and has friends that smoke regularly, and I wonder how our lifestyles would fit together, with him smoking and me not smoking.  None of my friends smoke either, so there is a difference in the group of friends we have.  I  am a bit of a health "nut", so I don't see myself ever starting at all.   He doesn't seem to have any problems of anger or any ill effects from the smoking, so for him it works and he is happy.   He says he will phase out the smoking when I am around, but I am wondering if anyone else has had this issue in relationships?  At the moment, we aren't together as I made a big deal out of whether I would be happy with someone who smoked (and whose circles of friends smoke)..

Anyone?

[treazzure007]

I always had the option of dating the guys in high school that smoked mj.
I never chose to.  To me, choosing someone to date was always about choosing someone I shared a lot in common with.  You dont necessarily fit in his circle and neither does he in yours.  

[jo929]

I would suggest that you move forward, as one who smoke m will just hold you back, and have you studied what it can do to your system.if you want a better life for yourself let him go   lots luck   jo

[green eyed lady]

The old adage about opposites attracting is false...commonality is key.

I think you've already made your decision...I would stick to it. Good luck to you.

[marissposa]

I think it depends on how much of his identity is wrapped up in smoking.  I had one bf who was a smoker and it was no big deal.   But I dated another that was obsessed with it.  Here is a list of what drove me crazy about it:  It was so boring to hang out with him,   the only thing he and his friends did socially was smoke---listen to music and smoke, play guitar and smoke,   bbq and smoke.... and on and on.  It was so not stimulating.  He was always late, because of having just one more hit--- stoners always lose track of time.  We always had to take time out of our lives for him to go buy the stuff.  which of course was not a simple transaction, because pot etiquette  requires that you hang out and smoke together, coz it's not about the $$ bro,  it's about looooove.  There would be marijuana ashes and joint butts littering our bedroom.  He always stole my lighters.  And I had to live with the nasty smell of weed smoke all of the time.
Yuck.

[momagain59]

I left a pot smoker 30 years ago and he is still smoking pot. Life is a lot easier when you are with people that have common interest, morals, and beliefs.

[kathryn80]

I married a pot smoker and at first it was great.... we had so much fun and I even decided to join in.  Then, he started growing... then, he flooded the bathroom... then, I asked him to stop growing, not smoking, and he refused and threw a fit.  It became more important than me and eventually our life together.  I would be cautious.  I will never enter into a relationship with someone who smokes daily... I'd have to be very convinced with someone who smokes occasionally.  

[LovinLife]

Thank you for all the input it is helpful---I don't know where things will end, at the moment, the  'ball is in his court' as I told him our lifestyles were too different to be together.  Unfortunately, I told him, didn't ask him what he thought, so now I am not sure how he feels and if he will even communicate.....its been a few days since I called and apologized, not for what I said, but how I came across, etc....

Livin Life

[kathryn80]

Don't apologize for standing up for yourself.  If he loves you he will see through the "how" you came across to your concern and well-being.  Keep strong to what is going to serve you, spiritually and emotionally.  That's what I didn't learn quickly enough.  I excused his actions and truly became part of the problem.  

[Milly116]

I used to smoke, met a smoker, lived together got married. Then I fell pregnant and stopped smoking and he carried on. He also used to play on his computer for hours on end. He was a great dad, but as the years went by I stopped being interesting to him and all he did with his evenings after the kids went to bed was smoke and play on his computers. I got fed up, felt neglected and lost self confidence. I told him I didnt want to be with him anymore and he didnt seem to care. It didnt make him stop. After years of smoking he began to develop paranoid delusions and would get angry very easily. I filed for divorce and got the hell out of there. He has remarried and is doing the same thing all over again. My ex is psychologically addicted to pot, has been from the age of 16. He won't ever give it up as its the only thing he's ever known. He's 40 now.

[kathryn80]

Wow, we have a lot in common experience-wise.  Was your ex a grower as well?  Mine did.  I begged him to stop and he fell back on something he said when we were both drunk... he was like, "I'll never stop, so never ask me to," and I guess at the time I didn't think I would!  I did... didn't go over so well. Ha!  

Lesson learned...

[sarbearie]

most of the posts are correct.
I ve lived with my parents and
my mother does not and my dad does.
it will be an endless battle unless each of you are very independent
and mind your own lifestyle it has alot to do with each personality
opposited do attract ussually.But not forever sometimes.
And not always.
Personally i wouldnt even go there,dont take the risk
It may be extremly hard to brake up or to seperate untill he aggress to stop.
But its Alright because you have to do whats best for you.
The heart is an trecherous thing.(cant spell!)
In other words:
Only you can save your heart,you cant tell someone how to love,or how not too.
IT always has to learn on your own. <3
And most of us will admit and aggree to that.
ME being young i have really aggred and accepted that as a apart of life.

glad to help be safe,live and let live
<3

[Milly116]

yep, mine used to grow  stuff too. Our bedroom was all low lights, soil and green leaves. very unpleasant, but for some reason, i stuck with him. I must have had very low self esteem and confidence. To be honest, he did have some control over me, like put up with this or get the hell out, or this is the way you met me... etc

We live and learn...

[kelliestarr]

Omg let me tell you first off this relationship won't work out in the long run there will just be too many differences between you two. I got out of a relationship just like this one he smoked and I didn't and still don't. Okay he may act nicely while smoking but I can tell you 100% this will change ecspecially if you ever move in together. As for my own expericence he would put his weed before paying the rent or the bills which was very hard on me. His friends may end up not liking you just because you don't smoke and this will cause problems. My relationship worked for about a year but then he just got more into his weed and the relationship went down hill. I put up with it for along time and I will never go out with a guy who smokes weed again. It just won't work and there are so many other great guys out there to choose from.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for you.

Ohh and I'd like to add : He said this to you-

(He says he will phase out the smoking when I am around)

Also in the long run he won't like doing this one trust me. If he has to do this then why not go out with someone else?

[mags59]

I was married to a man who smoked pot 24/7 (he even got up in the middle of the night to smoke a joint - he couldn't even sleep without being stoned).  If he ran out of weed, he'd get VERY nasty.  All he thought about night and day is where he was going to get more.  I've always thought that marijuana was a harmless drug; I still do to a certain extent, just as alcohol can be harmless (or harmful to someone who drinks too much of it).  But now I think differently.  If he smokes all the time, then he has a problem, because just like an alcoholic, he cannot cope with life's ups and downs without being stoned.  If I were you, I'd get rid of him (I did) and find someone who appreciates and respects what your beliefs are.

[Trialanderror]

I have only worked, not lived, with a few people who had been smoking pot for decades. No matter what they say about it being harmless, they were a nightmare to work with. No sense of urgency, no responsibility, busted deadlines. That`s not what you want in a relationship either. The scariest one was a guy who in addition went on anti-depressants. He threatened to "take out" the whole work place once a week. Alcohol can do just the same. Personally, I would just not enjoy living with an addictive personality partner and if you are a "health nut" as you say, you are pretty sure better off sticking to your own group of friends. Good move.

[MM_McGee]

I smoke grass. When I have it, I smoke it 24/7 from a dugout, which means a few hits a few times a day, and when I don't have it, I don't jones for it or even look very hard, which makes sense because it's not physically addictive. I'm a very published academic getting my PhD and run a business, which together keeps me at the national median income with a few hours of work a day, and I raise 2 kids who get hours of my love of nature, play, parks, and jazz with me almost every day. So, the first thing to know is that pot use is not a moral issue or one of motivation. The people complaining about the smokers they've dated were people who dated losers who smoked rather than responsible winners who smoke (like the lawyers and 140K/yr. sales rep friends of mine). There's no connection between weed and success, and none has every been scientifically proven. These girls dated boys, not men, and maybe that's the real issue for you.

Second, if you don't like him doing it and think you're going to change him, don't bother. It'll become a power issue later on if you really care about it (in other words ,you'll use it as an issue to control HIM, berate him, to explain anything that goes wrong or any mistakes he makes, just like the government uses its illegality for power and control). He doesn't need you using this power over him and you don't need to use it over him. I've been with enough women who don't smoke to know how they act about it to suspect that it's not going to work out. Unless you really don't care; but the stats show that women, after they get married and especially after they have kids, do complete 180s on this issue (like they do on all kinds of other issues related to the personal freedom of their responsible, loving husbands).

Finally,don't blame the use or him for your breakup like these other nasty harpies. If you weren't a drinker and he was, it would also be an issue, too. Just chalk it up to lifestyle differences (like the real people who posted here), remember what you like about him, look for those qualities in your next mate, and move on with a nice hug. Who knows? Maybe the next guy will like fruity drinks  or whatever you're into as much as you do : )

[MM_McGee]

Hey, Trialanderror. My ex-wife hated my grass smoking and she couldn't meet a deadline, make a long term plan and follow through with it, remember a promise, show up in time, or balance a budget if our lives depended on it. .  . .  And, you know what, in a big sense they did depend on it. Any explanation for this you'd like to offer, since you seem to know that smoking grass is the cause of all loser behavior?

[rme83]

you seem upset :) smoke a joint and relax LOL

go into that happy place

[rme83]

I understand we all have our opinions and believes and yes at times "stoners" do seem very laid back and careless

HOWEVER

I am currently dating a 28yr old man who indeed smokes. I could say he smokes a blunt day and night. He had a child out of wedlock (nothing new nowadays) and I could honestly say he is very responsible! He treats his child and me with respect...he remembers dates/times/plans/stupid things i say LOL etc....

I am 27 and I had NEVER smoked until I met him. By far I have to say that smoking is not all bad. Just like some of us like beer and not wine or mixed drinks over beer same goes with weed. It's like I dont like cigarettes but I can smoke a joint every now and then :) I dont see how that would make someone a loser or a careless person.

If you met the guy smoking then where you thinking you were gonna' change him?

I met my boyfriend at a friends gathering all his friends smoke too by the way....My friends dont. It's something YOU as a person need to be comfortable with, Dont try to change him for what you want! Let people be who they choose to be. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. If you are not happy with him and his "addiction" then move on for your happiness and let him be happy too.

:-)

[Gotmoxy]

I am a bit late reading this thread as you were, but something you stated struck me. I believe it went something like this:

"but the stats show that women, after they get married and especially after they have kids, do complete 180s on this issue (like they do on all kinds of other issues related to the personal freedom of their responsible, loving husbands)."

Personal freedom of their husbands? Maybe wives do a 180, because they realize the extra responsibility when it comes to raising children, and some men tend to think it's all "women's work", and try to carry on as if nothing has changed. Like, it wouldn't be appropriate to smoke grass while the children were around, would it? Or go out and do whatever the hell you wanted, whenever you wanted? Maybe your "stats" aren't showing these involving factors.

Look, I'm not trying to bust your balls here. Infact, I'm a smoker too. I enjoy it with a beer or two, when relaxing at night.:)  I just found that your statement above, was a little too gender biased. I'm not a feminist, just an equalist. :) My partner and I both work, do household chores, and take care of our kiddies. We also enjoy each other's company, which includes smoking together. We are happy and we both realize our responsibilities regarding our children, etc., etc.

Ok, just thought I'd through this out there. :)

[ker539]

Oh man, My last relationship, My boyfriend smoked pot, I always thought it was ok and i didnt want to nag him b/c i didnt think smoking weed was that big of deal and i always hated the thought of being a naggy bitchy girlfriend. well this ultimately lead to him having other drugs he lied to me about, smoking weed has mad him depressed, lazy and very unmotivated and paranoid. Obviously not everyone is the same, but i feel where your coming from. it ultimately lead to him sending me back to my country then dumping me when i got home, now i just found out im pregnant. haha good luck!

[Transcendence]

In simple terms...you need to feel & be happy with the person you would like to share the same common interests. If mj is not your thing & it is a bit of a big deal for you when your bf smokes, you need to move on. It will only lead to resentment & cause for an unhealthy relationship. Take great courage & love yourself to find a healthy & enjoyable relationship that will bring about your happiness.

You wont kill him by saying to him, "I need to move on." Be honest with yourself in order to see yourself in a better place & with your ideal mate!

Lovelight & Blessings!

[evergreen19]

I used to date a guy who smoked pot alllll the time. Don't get me wrong, I have smoked and have no issues with it, so it wasn't really a big deal to me at first. But eventually it got kind of exhausting.. We'd go out to a movie and he'd want to get high before it.. When I said no or said he could do it alone, he'd get all mopy and make me do it with him. It's not like I'm against doing it or anything but I just seriously don't care enough about weed to do it that frequently. His friends weren't even big stoners or anything like that, and to be honest it didn't seem like he got too high or anything, but it was him constantly wanting to do it that drove me crazy. It's not the reason I broke up with him but it's definitely one of the things I'm happy to have gotten away from.

Given that you have no intention to ever smoke, I feel as though you two may not be a great match.. I know how uncomfortable it made me to be around all the time and I'm not against smoking.. I think it'd be hard to really relate to him and get to know his friends without sharing the experience. Especially since you're a health nut, it's kind of shocking that you have started dating this boy to begin with!

[missholtzy]

Ok we'll I've been dating my partner of 2 years I don't smoke I just choose not to.  And we've ived together for. 2 years n honestly the smoking dnt bother me I let I'm do that. On the condition tht he leaves time for me also. Honestly I wish he didn't smoke pot but I'm not gunna tell him he can't his old enough to do wht he wants. I love my partner dearly so to save conflict I allow him to have the freedom to do that: ) that's just my opinion. (Allow him to do it but make sure he gives u attention too.)

[Skydiver78]

Okay, while I realize this thread was started over two years ago, it definitely is relevant at anytime.  I just broke up with my boyfriend (he actually left me because he just "couldn't be in a relationship) but he is definitely described here in what most of the pro leaving your boy people are saying.  He definitely seems "vacant" in a way.  Sometimes, he will smoke more than those little dugouts that self-righteous PhD gal was tootin about (or guy - whatever, doesn't matter).  So, the amount makes a difference and also the way the brain chemistry reacts.  Also how LONG they have been doing it.  He's 41 and has been doing this since he was 14 or 15.  The brain is still developing until they are 25 so if this person who was going on and on about how it has to do with you being a loser vs. a winner, uh yes AND no.  It's not always either or in any case, so clearly there are detailed variables to consider.  Do they already have a psychosis (quite a few of us do) where pot would aggravate it.  Do they have a mental or emotional issue?  Then, the other item to this is the fact that they can operate one way out in the world (my ex is a successful self-employed person, who has hundreds of clients) but that still doesn't mean he is on point in ways that non-stoners are.  Especially in the romance, ambition department.  And the connection is lost.  When you smoke you do pretty much zone out -  I know, I smoke.  But depending on the person, it can be a pretty bad state of affairs.  And since I hear my story in 90% of the stories here, I'd have to say it is more the norm than the exception.  And I am a healthy person that has been influenced poorly.  Anyone that needs to alter their consciesness and their reality that much - don't expect to be able to connect to your partner in any real way.  Not when you've checked out.  Give me a break.  Yeah, keep walking sister.  Keep walking.  I was SAVED.  I'm GLAD it didn't work out.  Seriously.  If a person wants to be a lone wolf, then yeah, pot works.  But if they want to deal with life as an interdependent unit?  Forget about it!  I don't buy it.  Haven't seen it work out yet (and I know people).

[H35]

I have been with a pot smoker for better than 7 years. When we first got together, he lied about it. I never drink and I don't smoke--anything. In the first few months we were together, he spent the majority of his time at my house. Because I wasn't aware of his drug use (and would not endorse it had I known), he didn't do it when he was with me. Then I found out. Unfortunately, I was a few years into the relationship, really cared for him, and felt as if I needed to try to accept it if I wanted to keep the relationship at all. Once he "got the green light," everything was different. I noticed big changes from when he was not using to when he was using. When he did it, his motivation and energy level DID noticeably drop. He lost interest in me, in sex with me, in just doing anything other than sitting in front of the TV. I also found it annoying how he would ask me the same question 2-3 times and forget the answer in a very short period of time. So I decided to do a little research on the effects of marijuana on the human body. Not good. I found out that prolonged usage really does diminish the brain's long term memory capabilities. Permanently. I also found out that inhaling the smoke is exponentially more harmful than a cigarette's smoke (possibly because of the filter a cigarette has). And although it doesn't have the same effects as alcohol, it does impair judgment and coordination in much the same way. It isn't as addictive as, say, heroin. Not by a long shot. But the effects one feels when on it (like a steroid user for instance) are addictive...the user gets addicted to the feeling, in other words.
All this aside, it is a lifestyle choice. Just like drinking or smoking cigarettes, or overeating. Smoking pot is a choice. Does it make a person "bad" or "good?" No. But the inherent health risks and "annoying" personality changes (temporary or otherwise) that go along with the use of pot really are not a good thing. And when you are a non-user (like me), it is very difficult to understand the draw of it. It isn't necessary, it isn't good for you, and it causes strife in some relationships. At the very core of the strife is this--one lifestyle doesn't line up with the other's. And that's a fundamental difference big enough so that the relationship probably won't work.
As for myself, I find a hard time looking at my significant other as a drug user (let's call a spade a spade..marijuana is a drug) and saying I'm proud to be with someone who engages in that. Or, if we had kids...is this someone I want as a role model to my children? Someone who uses an illegal, psychotropic substance--for WHATEVER reason? Someone who has an addiction, even if it is just mental? My answer is no. Opinions will vary but my opinion is that there are a million different and HEALTHIER things a person can engage in (i.e. exercise--ever heard of a runner's high?) to "take the edge off" or to "escape" or to "relax."
You can't change a person. And if the person you are with truly enjoys pot, despite the health risks, it is unlikely that person will quit (unless they get throat cancer--which did happen to a pot smoker I know and yes, he was told it was from the increased carcinogens from the pot smoke). Let those people take the risks on their own--while you move on to a relationship with a more like-minded person.

[NMLB36]

I have been dating a weed smoker for the past 7 years and yes he has been smoking weed and cigs through the entire relationship. I don't smoke anything he does, I accept his choice and he respects mine. All of a sudden last month he asked me if I would marry him, not exactly a proposal, but seriously considering. We have always had a great sex life, except for this month. He came too quickly or got weak during intercourse, now I'm wondering if it is because he smokes weed more since he got his medical marijuana card or because he has been smoking at least 2 times a day for about nine years or if it is because of the almost engagement?????? If I accuse the pot he will be defensive so I’m researching and asking others. Please help.

[overopiates]

I hate the effects of pot and I'm married to a daily smoker4years now and we r great.Im a stay at home mom of a2year old he runs his own business.Pot has never been an issue.He is quitting simply because as a dad he realizes even though he never smokes around our child he is getting older doesn't want to b the "Pot smoking dad".It just simply depends on whether its something they do or there whole life.

[AGE028]

I was in the exact same situation as you 7 and a half years ago.  I told my now ex husband that I didn't want smoking to be apart of my life. He told me that when we got married, he would quit.  We got married and he didn't quit.  Then he told me that when we had kids he would quit.  He didn't.  He started to lie and keep it from me, and I would always catch him.  Then I found out he was growing and selling it.  Yep, that is when I filed for divorce.  It broke my heart and I am so sick to my stomach that I wasted the last 7 and a half years with him.  The only good thing out of the relationship is our beautiful daughter, that I now have to split time with.  It's not fair and breaks my heart everytime I drop her off at his house.  Don't do it.  I love my ex and miss him like crazy, but marijuana users are very decitful and selfish!  I know first hand.  Good luck, but there is better out there!

[Becohyes]

It depends on the quality of the relationship.  Whether or not it does or can meet your needs, and his.  There must be some reason you got with him in the first place.  Many relationships will end, as they don't meet our needs.  I wonder about your ages, as time would tell, anyway, how the relationship works for you , or not! It sounds to me as though you already have strongish feelings for this guy.  I just hope you won't regret not seeing the relationship through, and seeing how it goes.  Surely you could negotiate things, like smoking, as you go on.  And it did sound like he is open to change, and to not smoking around you. Are you sure you want to quit on hi now?  If not, then tell him!You can always break up later, but it may be hard to get back together later!(if u later regret giving him up so soon)

[eternity1234]

i believe you do not take the crap that he will leave it later.Ask him by when and if he lives taking it fine.mine fooled me,got engaged to me ,quit it,then lied to me was still taking it, got married quit it, for doing all this crap , we quarrelled a lot and separated, reconcilked again and then same crap...now about to divorce....this is my sad crappy life of 11 years...your guy might be genuine , i do not know...but healthwise also if that good for him.....

[willowsdad]

I e read all these comme ya about men. I'm 29 year old man that had been with my mrs for 12 years and Have 2 kids one is 3 and one is 1 she had always smoked weed but not every day like she started to do 3 years ago we use to have sex twice a day every day and experimented and we loved it then she had our 1st baby we still made time but did go from that much to 3 4 times a week then we had out 2nd and now its gone may be one a month but only if I push for it. Now she works so do I and the eldest goes school then after school at the same place that the youngest goes so we can collect them as we finish at 6pm but when we do get time alone she rejects me all the time no matter the effort I put in. I ran her a bath the other day with candles and cooked tea but she wasn't arsed one bit. She has a joint when she gets in after the kids are in bed but I get nothing at all nothing like looking at a corpse. When in bed I go to hug her she kind of has her elbows out to keep me away or when I'm erect and make it aware by sexually arousing against her she shrugs me off. I'm at my wits end I love her to bits but I'm starting to think is she cheating or just keeping me coz I pay the bills or not interested In me or is it the weed? Help?