need to move on!

It's been 8 months since my ex split up with me. I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I'm at uni and I'd either spend time with friends or go out rather than do my work during the week to see my boyfriend who would want to see me on weekends. (I knew him from home and I live away). After a bad christmas together, I failed my January exam and had a go at him for it saying things I definitely shouldn't have said. He told me to delete his number and never talk to him again.

I've been on a massive guilt trip since. He was the love of my life. I've never met anyone who cares for me so much, he would have done ANYTHING for me - a definite wear his heart on his sleeve type of guy. I've had long term relationships before and tried to see people since but nothing compares to what we had when it was good.

A friend messaged him to ask him if he could talk to me which in turn resulted in me messaging him to apologise for everything that I did to him. He accepted and was really conversational back which I loved. But then didn't reply after sending me a song (youtube... Chris Daughtry - What About Now). He said it was just a nice song he thought I would like. Knowing us and knowing him that's bull. We used to send each other songs to show how much we loved each other and I know for a fact something like this just doesn't go away. I've been feeling utterly horrendous and felt he should know how I feel about him and us.

I sent him another message telling him I wasn't over him and was still in love with him. And that I needed to know how he felt about me whether good or bad because I'm a state and I need to "man up". I pretty much told him to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and asked him to tell me about a new girlfriend if he has one to force me to move on.

He sent a reply saying that he doesn't think he could ever go back there because of all the hurt and tears. He apparently couldn't accept the break up at first but "things happen for a reason and you live in Wales". However, he said he couldn't commit to anyone else and that he thinks about me all the time and listens to songs that remind him of me. He couldn't say he didn't have feelings for me or didn't love me. He was again really conversational and even said goodnight to me and my teddy bear (yes I'm 20 and still own a teddy bear ha!) which was something we'd do when we were together.

I now want to leave university because I hate it here and cant stand the fact it split us up. I want to go home on the off chance he may see I've changed and that I want to be home with him. What do people think? Could I persuade him to see me? Even though I know he probably wouldn't let himself because he knows we'd fall for each other again. I just can't figure out what he's thinking and I can't eat or sleep at the moment. Does he still care for me and is it worth keeping in contact to break down the emotional barriers we both have? Because it seems clear we both can't meet someone new or should I just do everything to forget? I start uni for my third and final year in two days but I literally can't face it like this. All I want to do is quit

PLEASE HELP!!

[iam1butterfly]

For many, apologies don't come easily... in fact, it can be one of the hardest things to do. So, I think that you did right by apologizing to him as this is a positive and pro-active demonstration of maturity and growth on your part.
As for his feelings for or about you... it's very likely that he still has feelings for you... and not just hurt feelings; but loving feelings as well. You see, Love doesn't die easily... emotional ties prevail for a long time after break-ups... sometimes people never get over lost love... even in the face of painful past reminders.
With that said,  it's my guess that he's afraid of getting hurt again so he's maintaining what, in his mind and heart, is a healthy or safe distance. That distance is what is called, "self-preservation." And, that sense of "self-preservation" usually takes on the form of an "emotional wall," kind of like that barrier that you described. So, when people  don't want to relive heartache and disappointment they harden themselves.
Now, the big question is, how does one break through that barrier?
Time... effort and trust. But, you'll probably have to start from square 1... which means that you'll have to re-establish a friendship starting with constructive dialogue. Try and find that commonality that brought you both together in the first place.
From that, hopefully, a renewed and healthier friendship will flourish. Maybe, you can re-connect and recaptured what you once had... maybe, you can't. Just realize that rejection is a real possibility. And, you may have to settle for a friendship and nothing more. But, if you don't try, you'll never know.
Good luck!



  

[jo929]

if you are going to the university, you are going for a reason, and should stay until you finish, but you can remain in toch with your ex, and in time he may beleive that you are sincere, right now he is hurting, but give it time, and do not rush home for things may not work out keep going on, and write him often, if he loves you he will forgive you  luck  jo

[jewelscute1]

FINISH SCHOOL!!  That is your accomplishment.  Not saying he's dumb or your feelings aren't right or wrong, but don't let some dumb guy stand in your way of a college education!  I know you are wayyyy better than that!