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opinions appreciated

I have 2 young children and 1 on the way. I should be happy knowing another little one will join the family, but im just the opposite. Since our marriage in2007, things between my husband and I have gotten progressivey worse. Now, its the worst its ever been. Zero love, laughter, communication, intimacy, etc. I feel as though ive given all I could, and have now "checked out." I want so badly to move out but dont know how its possible w (3) kids. Is staying together and raising our children in a cold, hostile environment better than them having divorced parents?? Thoughts please..
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Avatar_f_tn
Raising your children in two happy homes is much better than one miserable home.  Your unborn baby is a blessing and you will realize that.  You have to do what is best for you and your children, and you will find that you're stronger than you ever imagined.  I was left with 3 babies ages 4 and under and we did wonderfully.  Think of what you and your children deserve in life and make that happen.  My grandson has two very loving and happy homes and is so happy and well rounded that my daughter and former son-in-law were asked by their church to do seminars on how to raise happy, emotionally healthy children in divorce.  Things happen and we can make things better for ourselves and our children.  You can't stay together for the sake of the kids because they are like little sponges and will pick up on everything. I have friends whose parents stayed together until they were grown and then divorced and they all say they wished their parents had split up sooner and saved them a lot of anguish.  I hope this helps and wish you all the best.
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1268057_tn?1379102055
Hmmm.......Is your husband aware of your true feelings?  

Any chance that therapy could be an option for you two?

If you feel you have completely "checked out" and therapy is NOT an option for you, then the option of moving out should be carefully thought out before the ACTUAL execution.  For example, if you have no money, no job, no other place to live plus you have two children and one on the way to think about as well then leaving should be a LAST resort especially if you don't have anything BETTER to offer them on your own in terms of supporting them as a single mother.  

I am a product of living in a cold, hostile environment, well actually, it was more cold than hostile.  No violence or anything of that nature, but extremely cool.  I would have rather my parents divorced and lived happier lives because to this day they are still married and loathe each other; they barely talk to each other.  I think too many couples use children as the "glue" to hold a terrible marriage or living together situation together and I personally don't think children should be used in such a manner, at least, I wish I hadn't been used in such a manner.  

Weigh your options out CAREFULLY (the pros and cons of staying and leaving); definitely don't do anything RASH.  

BTW:  Trying to move out while pregnant and then later taking care of a newborn (hopefully without any health issues) and dealing with two younger ones by yourself will definitely NOT be any "piece of cake."  
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1268057_tn?1379102055
Mammo gave some great insight.
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Avatar_f_tn
I greatly appreciate both responses. It makes me sad to think what has come of our relationship and even the family aspect. I was always so determined to have that "picture perfect" loving household. Ashamed and embarrased to admit, but the plans for kid #1 were made in the hopes of making things better. Now here I am 3 kids later and living in a completely different state (we tried moving to improve things also.....another fail) and things are only way worse. We tried counseling 3 different times, even went away to weekend marriage convention. (all of which drained our $ account) Anyway, I read books, articles, forums, watched movies and I no longer know what to do. It just seems as though we're not on the same in many differnt aspects of life. I'm to the point now were im crying everyday and just a big ball of miserableness not even wantimg to get out bed. But in response to what u mentioned about money, job, where to go,....you're right. Those are all things I dont currently have but spend each minute of everyday trying to figure it out. I try to talk to him about this but he doesnt take me serious. I feel leaving is the only way he will take me


serious. m miserblness
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1268057_tn?1379102055
That's ok that you feel you are ready to leave since you have exhausted all options to save your marriage.

Just make sure you have a plan BEFORE you leave in regards to supporting/taking care of you and your children as a single mother.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi,  Oh, your post makes me sad.  We start out marrying and having a family with such high hopes.  I so wish it could always work out that way.  

You haven't been married long and two little kids and a pregnancy on the way certainly amps up the stress level.  I'm the mom of two boys myself that are close in age and my marriage has had ups and downs I think due to the stress.  When my boys were little, we got disconnected.  It seemed like we lived a little separately----  both with different agendas.  The truth was that we were both coping as best we could.  I will say that I am fortunate that we both wanted a closer marriage and view our commitment to one another as a life time commitment so we put in effort to reconnect.  It has impacted our relationship in many positive ways.  We are closer and the way I felt about him early in marriage has come back.  Hopefully he feels the same.  

So, I'm a person that says some marriages just will not work.  And if the parents involved create an environment for kids that includes volatility and violence that they are forced to witness, it isn't a good place for kids.  But if it is just a home where parents aren't connected anymore and resenting each other under the surface, I feel like we owe it to the family we made together to give it our best shot to fix it.  Sometimes it will work and sometimes it wouldn't but I could never recommend someone to walk away without knowing in their heart they've tried EVERYTHING first.  (again, this does not pertain to people that suffer abuse in their home.  They need to leave right away.)  When I say everything----  I am including the things that make us uncomfortable and involve looking deep into the mirror.  

First thing to do is take a mental health check.  Little kids and pregnancy can do a number on us emotionally let alone when we get hormones involved.  Depression in moms of young kids is common and depression can cast a shadow over our whole life.  Could you suffer any level of depression.  Then, the question is, could your husband?  This needs to be looked at closely and handled if it is a possibility because when we conquer our emotional issues, we are in a better place to conquer everything else.  Also, moving is hard.  It can make us feel isolated and a bit depressed in and of itself.  I'd encourage you to reach out and develop a support network in your community.

Next, as mentioned wisely above, marriage counseling for a couple is so very helpful.  Not all therapists are good and sometimes men like to see a male psychologist--  so you could do a little research to find someone that might help guide you through reconnection.  

Now, I must confess----  I am not perfect.  Ugh, there I said it.  (joking).  But I handled things in my marriage in ways that weren't conducive to making it a happy union.  I took it upon myself to see what I myself did to contribute to our problems.  When I got down to it, the list was long.  These were my things to work on.  I changed approaches and in some cases dramatically.  Sometimes I felt like I shouldn't have had to as I still think I was right but I found-----  my changes caused my husband to change and I was much much happier after that.  

Our bond took over a new look from the one we had before.  It is stronger now and we both know what it is like to feel lonely in a marriage.  That knowledge results in effort on both of our parts.  And we talk all the time about how we must WORK to be a couple.  This work has great rewards.

I want you to know that it is not lost on me that you write of having baby number one to try to make things better.  As you've found out, that rarely works.  I don't know if you and your husband are a bad match as partners.  But three kids later, I'd give it one last try hon.  Nobody has a picture perfect marriage and family no matter what it looks like on the outside.  Many a couple has been to hel l and back to reclaim their commitment to one another.  

However, this may not be in the cards for you.  Divorce happens and ends up being the better option for some couples.  If this is where you think you are headed, now is the time to prepare.  If you don't work and aren't skilled in some area to get a job then this is the time to get trained.  I think every woman should do this anyway to protect themselves in the event that they need an income.  Thinking about such things what life would look like on  your own is helpful----  living arrangements, child care, financial resources, support.  All key to being a single mom.  You should, in my opinion, plan on living in the same area for two reasons.  You really need to be a two parent family even if the parents don't live together.  Dad needs easy access to his kids.  Also, for continuity for kids going through a big change.  They are young so could handle a move better than older kids buy it is still a big change for them.  I see the happiest divorced families in my area as the ones that live really close to one another, the parents work as teammates for the kids and remain friendly in that process, and both being very active in the day to day life with the kids.  

I do really wish you luck.  If you stay, may you find your way to reconnecting with your husband and may happiness rule the day.  And if you go, may it all work out for you to have a new beginning on your own (with kids) and happiness rule that day too!  Peace and luck to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you so much for the insight, and your words are helping a bit. I just feel so lost and overwhelmed with this entire thing. I havent really talked to any close family members, as I dont want them to know exactly whats going on behind closed doors. I grew up in a very loving household with two parents, and looking back, loved every minute of my childhood. I wanted to portray the same environment for my children, and if possible, make it even better. However it seems as though since the time my husband and I got married, things between us have just gotten worse. And truthfully up until a few months ago, I still had hope that the two of us could pull through this and rekindle what we had. I was still exerting alot of effort on my part. Unfortunately, that has all changed with me. I honestly feel I have nothing left, and pretty much go the entire day not talking at all. It's like there's not a single bone left in my body to even be somewhat "nice". But as for the environment we're creating for our children, there is no abuse in any way. My husband is genuinely a good guy. Barely yells, no hitting, no verbal/emotional abuse, etc. Sounds like the perfect husband huh? Unfortunately, I dont get much of anything else from him either. No effort on his part. I feel as though we're just not compatible as a couple. Lately, Ive even been questioning myself if I even still have love for him. A question Ive never had to ask myself before. All in all, Im just so tired of feeling so down and miserable. Plotting each day. Questioning myself and the decisions that need made. And crying! So sick of crying. Im beginning to think I will never be truly happy with life and will never be satisfied....and that scares me tremendously. I lie in bed at night hating my life (at the moment) and then feel guilty for hating my life bc ive been blessed w/ two beautiful little girls and a baby on the way. So bc of my feelings of hatred, Ive stopped going to church. And bc Ive stopped to church, in turn, feel guilty about that so Ive stopped praying. I feel as though im on a downward spiral and its spiraling out of control fast.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh no.  This is not good!  I'm really going to say this in earnest----  I think you should talk to a therapist.  Alone and about how you are feeling.  It honestly does sound like you are suffering depression. Regardless of what happens with your husband, I'd really love to see you pursue counseling.  

Therapists can listen to all of our "stuff" without judgement.  I know what you mean about telling family or friends-----  that makes the nightmare all too real.  And when we are concerned with appearances, it is hard to let those we know that there is a crack in our foundation.  

Is going to a therapist something you'd be willing to do at this time?  Calling your insurance company and getting a list of names is a place to start.  Also asking for references from your primary care doctor or even better, your ob/gyn is also a good thing to do.  Cross reference those two lists and see if anyone matches.  

Sometimes taking this action and setting up an appointment helps us feel less stuck.  We can then talk through our emotions and maybe get some clarity on what is really going on.

I hate that you are feeling this bad every day.  Please try to take one day at a time.  I have made a goal for myself before that I will do one thing for someone else every day.  When I do that 'thing'---  it helped me feel happy.  It can be saying just the right thing to a neighbor that looks down at the bus stop or making soup for your friend who has a cold to laughing at someone's really not very funny joke so that they feel good about themselves.  This may sound dumb but when I can think of that moment of making someone else feel good as I'm going to bed---  it has made me feel a little better myself.

And hon, you are cooking a baby in there.  Be kind to yourself as well.  Get rest and do some things you enjoy during the day.

And again, take one day at a time.  If you leave, you will need a plan.  You can quietly work on this as well.  

good luck dear
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Avatar_f_tn
I been to two different therapists. The last one started off as my husband and I going together, and ended with me just going alone. I felt after all the time and money spent, I got nowhere. So now I cringe at the thought of having to start all over with someone new. . . and possibly this one not working out either. Ill give it some more thought and again I appreciate your time and understanding.  Really means alot:)
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, there are good and bad therapists out there for sure.  I have found that asking around helps---------  sometimes hard to do but you'd be surprised at who all has been to therapy around you and who'd love to go and feels like you are smart and lucky to be doing so.  So, if you ask for some references---  maybe you can find a better fit for yourself.  

Do you think you could be depressed?  This is something to talk to your doc about----  maybe at your next ob appointment.  You are a little stuck medication wise with being pregnant but you can map out a plan to start as soon as you can.  I don't know if you are depressed but how you start your day and end it sounds quite miserable.

I do hope you figure it out.  It is hard to live like this, I'm sure.  I'm a little old school in which I can deal with a lot to keep my kids happy (house with mom AND dad in it) but everyone is different and has their own breaking point.  You and only you can determine where your breaking point is.  

Also, working on that plan in case you leave  may help you feel like you've taken some action of some sort and less "stuck".  Peace.
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1268057_tn?1379102055
In my opinion, you are ready to leave, however, this is not the time related to you're pregnant and have "0" plan.  I am sure this is why you are feeling the way you do....trapped.

Well, you've tried couples' therapy and all you got out of that was a "drained" bank account and ended up going to one of therapist on your own.  One thing really stuck out in one of your posts; the statement "The plans for kid #1 were made in hopes of making things better."  This tells me that the marriage has been "on the rocks" for a while.  Children never make a failing marriage better.  My parents had 5 and became more and more cold and distant to each other.  Living in a home with indifference and coolness between two parent is just as bad as abuse in my opinion; neither is a HEALTHY environment for children.  

If you are reconsidering therapy, I would make it for "one"; yourself.  The therapist can help you to sort out your mental health and perhaps give you the tools, tips and resources related to leaving prepared because it sounds like this marriage is done.  

I am from the school of reality and if the marriage isn't working after 3 kids and numerous therapy sessions, books, etc. then it isn't going to work.  
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