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separation and my children?
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separation and my children?

I been asking a lot of questions on here and I appreciate your help a lot.....My two youngest children have been greatly affected by their father leaving.....My 21 yr old daughter rushed home to look after me and she just could not cope with my crying and misery and she flew to Darwin (2000 kms away) to be with her boyfriend.....she stopped talking to me and never called home....we use to talk every day.....I missed her a lot....so no husband and no daughter and now my 17 year old son was at home.....when ex and I would fight ex would call him and say mum out of control (just so my son could witness his mum out of control) finally my son and I had a huge fight around week 2 and he told me....to put my head up and dont let ex ruin me....I deserve better....since that fight we dont talk about dad and I never say anything negative....I encourage him to see his father.....I asked him yesterday how it was going with dad and he said oh ok....he doesnt know me like you know me.......Then my daughter came home for a visit and she was very angry when I picked her up....I said we have a three hour drive so out with it......she was pissed off that I lost it so much and I should of kept it together......I didnt argue with her I just agreed....she then went on to say that she was proud of where I am now and she will always love me no matter what.....we also agreed not to talk about dad and I never talk negative to her.....I make special effort to be happy when the kids are home and it is going great with the kids now. ....we talk everyday again....but she did say that she has no time or respect for her father and she has no desire to make an effort with him.....and she said her brother had lost all respect for his father and he is worried about who he should look at for a male role model.....I am very worried about them and I dont want them to loose their faith in marriage and love.....Their father is now trying really hard to be his mate and not a father and my son is very uncomfortable with this.....is there anthing else I can do to help with their heeling........please help.......
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1907286_tn?1322064359
   I've come to believe that people (everyone) formulate their own relationships with or without outside influence.  
  Another words you husband & son's relationship will evolve how ever they work that our.  I think that all dad's see thier grown sons as an extention of themselves and the 'best mate' ever.  Give your son his own head, he has to figure this out on his own too.

That you & your daughter have gotten past the avoidance stage then you can support and encourage each other to gain control of your life.  Show them that you can do it and don;t let him win by destroying you.  She too must be able to develope the relationship with her father as they work it out.  

"Loosing It"    When I reach an emotional overload I'm guilty of throwing things.  I never have broken anything that belonged to him. I become self-destructive, self medicate & become withdrawn.  I hope that i never have to process an emotional overload like that again in my life.  It isn't who i am, the shrew that drove her husband away (his image of me) That isn't me either.  That's over, i won't put myself in that situation again.

  Work with your daughter through the idea of 'loosing it' and maybe you can see areas where you can pay attention to.  Don't be negative about yourself -  NO NEGATIVE

Do you write a journal?   -  a computer file, hand written, or drawn. is a good thing.
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1894410_tn?1364193655
I do write a journal everyday, my children and I have been very close their whole life and I encourage them to have a relationship with their dad. But I feel like they dont want to becasue they want to show they are loyality to me......Like Jess came home for a week and spent just 3 hours with dad, even though I said spend time with him if you want....she can not believe anyone could hurt me like this and she is very protective over me...always has and at the moment dad is the problem....hopefully living close to them will distance me away from dad.....Jess said she will make no effort with her father if he wants a relationship then he does all the work.......because her view is dad has never had an effort with her so why should she start....
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Avatar_f_tn
Your children are old enough to decide what kind of relationship they want with their dad.  Don't encourage or discourage them from seeing him.  Let them bring up the topic of their dad, and just be understanding and supportive.  Do your best to be upbeat and happy around your children, they know you're hurting but you don't want their lives consumed with worry over you.  I wish you all the best.
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1894410_tn?1364193655
Thankyou, that is what I am doing, I wish I could just sheild them from any hate or upset.....but that is not life is it....I will always be there with a shoulder for them.....I just see them hurting so bad and I cant stop it...that is what kills me for most........but we are mothers and that is our job to love our children through everything......thanks for your comments.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I think that you could also talk to your kids and see if they would like to talk to someone about this such as a counselor.  Divorce is very hard on kids even when they are older.  It rocks their world.  I was always closer to my mom and sided with her after my parents divorce.  I think that this can naturally happen---  but a parent should do what you are doing, remain neutral and encouraging of the other parent's relationship with the child.  

Sometimes having an unbiased person that a child (grown or otherwise) can vent to helps.  That is where a counselor, minister, family friend is helpful.  Try to see if your kids could use this.  

When our parents are fragile, it scares us.  I remember my mom's tears well.  Oh, she so deserved them-------  but it makes one feel helpless.  The roles reverse a bit.  We know that our parents have emotions and hard times but it fights with the idea that our parents are the strong one's who take care of us.  I gave my mom many well needed hugs.  So, accept the hugs and love your kids give you without always pretending you aren't sad.  That doesn't mean screaming and being hysterical----  but you are human and they love you even when you are sad.  Peace.
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1894410_tn?1364193655
Thankyou so much for your comments, I have repeatly asked the kids with they want to talk to someone, at the moment they are happy talking to there friends and the y do hug me a lot......We are all moving 4 hours away and we will live together....not in the same house because Jess and Matt are very close and it will be good for them to share a house and have fun and I would like time to enjoy my own company but they will only be down the road......I pray everyday that my kids will be happy again......
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