what to do

I have been in a relationship for 18 years and he has told me that i am not good enough for him and that he doesn't love me. We have an 11 year old who he told he didn't love his mommy(me) and this was not a real family and he is going to leave. I am afraid I will lose the house because I cann't afford the payments on my own. He has told me that everything that has ever gone wrong for him is my fault. I admitt this has not been a healthy relationship but I believed in sticking through because of our child. He tells me every day he hates me and does a great job making me feel horrible about myself and that I am worthless. I am tired of crying but scared to death of what the future holds for me. He has a drug problem and now he tells me it is my fault because i am worthless. I don't know what to do. Right now he is still living in the house and has moved his things to the finished basement. I have not told anyone because i am embarrased that i failed. He has cheated on me before and I left him and he came back asking for forgiveness and I did. We then bought a new house and now 2 years later here i am again.

[chigirl29]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  Most likely his addiction is causing his harsh behavior to both you and your daughter.  If I were you, I would see a lawyer as soon as possible so that you can start making financial arrangements.  While, I am normally against divorce, you cannot control the fact that your husband is leaving you.  You have a child to consider, and he is going to be either indulging his drug addiction (most likely) or going through treatment (if lucky).  He will not be much help to you one way or the other.  You have to be strong.  Nothing is your fault, and you are not a failure.  In life, we can only control what we do; we cannot control our spouses.  I think you have worked hard to maintain your marriage despite his cheating and drug addiction so I admire that.  Take care of yourself and your little girl.

[ibizan]

ur an interesting person.......telling this girl to divorce and leave which she should..no one should tolerate this garbage/mental abuse...but u would stay with a man who had homosexual relationships within ur marriage and forgive him if he gave u an std?oy vey oy vey!!!!!sheeez!

[SeriousSam]

Interesting comment.  You criticized chigirl, but really had no insights of your own to help anyone?  You must have left that part off by accident?  Please take the opportunity to add something?

[SeriousSam]

Your in a hard spot.  First of all you need to decide if/how you want to save this relationship you have invested so many years into.

That will probably mean getting everyone into counseling somehow.  Then you need to get him to agree to drug counseling and you need to work on your self esteem, and maybe while your 11 year old is in class, take classes your self to build self-reliance.  If you ever just need to message someone send one to me and I'll give what perspective I can.  Good luck.  I admire you for tryng to do the right thing for everyone.  I think your trying the hard road and probably the right one.

Sorry my post is so short for your very complex problem.

[dyblue]

  sounds like me my husband is leaving after 14 years and I was very upset two children one severly handicapped.  He is emotionally abuseive brought something up from 14 years ago that I did o make himself feel ok for leaving .  He hasn't touched me in two years was just giving me this look of disdain , that look and we gotta go.  I hate him now and it feels better but I'll be nice for my kids.  I,m 45 glad I'm not growing old with him believe we are better off cause we are they'll just get worse we have a chance at happiness and self respect, I;m seeing a law person to cover my *** he won't be much a a catch sporting half a paycheck. I wasn't ready for it but I will be ok, and he will be lonely without our lovely boys  For better or worse I just got the worst.   , but it's going to get better worship me or bloody pissoff, that my new motto .

[jen_]

Personally I don’t think I am good in giving advice to ‘heart matters’.  It’s only you who knows why you choose to remain in such a relationship and no one else.

Sometimes parents use their children as an excuse to stay with a spouse but fail to actually realize the way their decision may affect the kids.  I suppose in theory we are all oh-so-perfect, but when it comes to real life things seem more complicated.

I for sure cannot tell why your husband has been treating you this way but there is one thing I can be sure of:  None has the right to humiliate or mistreat you in any way.

You say your husband is having a drug problem.  Let me tell you this:  I was involved in such a relationship, and some of the posters here have read about it.  I had to try so hard to see the reality behind my fake world.  I really believed I could help but I realized that there’s no way for me to do that as long as I let his problem be my problem.

I don’t know what kind of drugs your husband takes.  But all I know is that you cannot let a child grow up with such a problem in your house.

I understand there might be lots of things you are thinking right now but you must take it step by step each time.  What should be most important at the moment is what is best for your child.

As I said, I don’t know how severe his addiction problem is, but one thing is for sure:  unless he solves this one he won’t be able to contribute to the solution of any kind of a problem in a way that will be most beneficial to all of you.

From experience I know that you will want to help him in that as well.  Unfortunately this is only up to him.

And last, but not least, it is wrong for you to feel you have failed.  It’s him who says he hates the woman he chose to live with for the rest of his life.  It’s him who cheated on you.  It’s him who takes the drugs in order to tolerate or escape from his life.  I assume that you on the contrary have done all you could in order to help this marriage.

I guess you would get a better piece of advice if you shared with us the quality of his relationship with your child.  And then I would ask, what if you didn’t have a child?  How much easier do you think it would be for you, emotionally, to get away from this man?

[dove3053]

My advice to you is to stay in the house and get him out of it. Go to family court and tell them he has a drug problem and you don't want him around your child.

Do not give up the house. As far a paying for it this may sound stupid but worry about that as you go along. That's what I'm doing ann all is well after 4 years, It was my house to begin with but that's another story. My husband was also on drugs and it was hell on earth living with him.

Good luck,

Dove

[dove3053]

I don't assume she is married or else I think she would not have said in a relationship. Only she can answer that.

Dove