why do I still get sad?

Hey everyone, well, here is my story. I am recently divorced from my husband after a 14 year relationship. We had a good relationship in the beginning then things went downhill. I was always the bread winner, happy go lucky and I didn't mind financially taking care of things. I had a successful career and my ex and I traveled, bought expensive things and lived a good life. Of course I was blinded to certain things but my sister told me (when she visted) that she would get so mad at the way he treated and talked to me. She said he would sit home half the day when I was out working really hard. I was blind to most of this. I did notice that he never wanted to socialize with my clients or our friends so I would go without him. He would get mad and accuse me of cheating if I was 5 minutes late! If I ever got upset and wasn't happy go lucky all the time he would tell me I was crazy and needed prozac. If I ever asked how I looked, I never got complimented, he would never say beautiful...he would pick out something wrong.

So, he was diagnosed with chronic neck pain and started taking pain meds. So we had a child and the stress of being a full time mom, he never helped and slept in the other room at night, and keeping the bills paid became a huge stress on me. Shortly after our child was born he offered me a pill so I could "chill out" and I was hooked. He would give me pills in exchange for barters...hour massage, sex...you name it. I didn't care anymore and just wanted the escape...his drugs! This vicious cycle went on for 3 1/2 years and it escalated to the point where I was calling his doc making excuses for more drugs. So one day I said I had enough! I went to detox and then checked myself into a 30 day inpatient rehab. He seemed happy but then always said I was on a 30 day vacation. Be would tell me he was proud then turn around and say something negative. Well, I got out of rehab and went home to him and he was so negative and continued to try and give me pills! I left him....after I moved out we continued seeing each other until not 2 months after the separation he went on a date and I caught him. I said it was enough and I'm done for good.

After that I would meet him to pick up our daughter for visitation and he would call me fat and ugly and that the new girl had a nicer body than mine. I would call my daughter on the phone and he would grab the phone from her and call me a crack head and hang up on me. Mind you, he is still on heavy pain meds. Things have been calm since the last time he did the name calling on July 4 2012. So recently I found out from one of his acquaintances that he is marrying this girl and that she has great health insurance. So my question is...why does that bother me? Why am I sad like I lost love all over again? Why do I feel like I am grieving again? Why do I feel like he is going to be a better husband for her and he couldn't for me? I know he hasn't changed one bit when I have beat drug addiction and have been in therapy since our separation. Thanks for reading, I know its long winded.

[TrudieC]

I am sorry you went through all this and commend you for getting clean.  Don't beat yourself up for still feeling grief.  I went through that with both of my marriages after I left.  Your therapy will definitely help.  Allow yourself to grieve for a limited amount of time.  Then you move on. In reality he is likely to be even worse to this new woman.  Pity her.  Keep your mind on a vision of a new life and a new love.  It does get easier and it does get oh so much better.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, you aren't grieving what really happened, you are grieving the loss of the illusion of an ideal marriage that you were ready to bend over backwards (taking a lot of abuse and paying all the bills) to kid yourself was real.  Now his remarriage is a cold, hard fact and it can't be glossed over.  Try not to mourn for this guy, what you had in actual fact was awful on about every level.

[michelle41292]

I understand what you are saying. You feel humiliated and lost because he has someone and I guess you dont, right?   I would be the same but we know that his wonderful(so called) relationship with this other woman will not last. He will do her the same way probably. We have to move on even though we do love them and wonder why. I am going through a hard time too. Pray and think of yourself.