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will my heart ever heal?
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will my heart ever heal?

im 25, my divorce was just final in April. my ex husband and i used to be happy. we were married for 8 years. we got married when i was 18, we have a little girl who is now 6 together. my life used to be wonderful. he was my rock, he was my shoulder to cry on, he was soulmate. in 2008 i found out he was having an affair with my best friend, it hurt, but i stuck out the marriage until he filed for divorce and moved out in 2010. at first i felt like i was okay, but as each day passes i become more and more withdrawn and depressed. i look at my daughter and i see him. ive lost interest in my hobbies. my life is in ruin at the moment. i cant move on and i cant go back. where do i go? how do i cope? he is trying to be "friends" with me now but he has been spending so much money and so much time on his new girlfriend and her kids that he doesnt even see our daughter and hasnt been paying child support. my heart aches. help me, i feel like im in over my head.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, I think you are on the right track actually with medication. The one thing to remember about most medications for depression, they have start up side effects that are transient.  This means that they are only in the begining.  One strategy is to start slow.  A low dose to begin with ---  maybe half of what is considered a full therapeutic dose for you or a quarter.  This is a common strategy for those who suffer the transient side effects that helps them tolerate the medication.  Start slow, the side effects that are in the begining decrease as one gets used to the drug and then you increase the dose after maybe two weeks and by weeks six to eight, you are effectively treating your depression.  Have you tried this approach yet?

Ya know what sweetie, this is going to hurt.  It hurts to be rejected.  It hurts to end a relationship that we thought was forever.  It is painful to see our children suffer as he is 'too busy' to be a good dad.  I do highly recommend you seek the help of a lawyer to clain that child support which he OWES!  

But I would continue to try to work on the depression because it is hard to recover from something like this under the cloud of depression.  

BTW I would say that you were on the right track with the prozac type drugs.  Trazadone and Xanax are not great.  I'd stick with SSRI's or SNRI's.  There are drugs in these classes that are a little bit different but mild to take.  

wishing you peace.  PM me or contact us any time on the forum.  
13 Comments Post a Comment
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1034736_tn?1319562635
Oh honey, I feel for you.  I honestly do.  I've been there before.  I wasn't married and there were no children involved, but I was deeply in love with a man who left me for his best friend's widow on Christmas Eve.  I lost a lot of weight, developed a drinking problem, and distanced myself from my family and friends for quite a long time.  That was over 15 years ago and talking about it still hurts, but it does get better.  You just have to hold your head high and know that you are a good person and you WILL get through this.  I wish I could give you a big ole hug right now.  Your heart must be hurting so bad.  Please try and get in touch with a counselor.  That's one thing I wish I had done for myself back then.  I think I would have healed much faster.  Take care, hon.  ((hugs))
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm so sorry dear.  So very hard is a break up of this magnitude and with these extra circumstances of the new girlfriend/your friend involved.  That is ugly and painful.  

I would start working on a couple of things.  First, you need to see a lawyer.  You need him to be paying his child support.  He'll need to pay any back support he owes.  That is the law and that is what is proper and just for your daughter.  Of course he is being friendly to you and telling you he wants to be friends . . .  he is getting away with something very wrong and you are letting him.  He owes that money to your daughter.  Period.

Then I'd like you to focus on your own mental health.  You sound depressed and hopeless.  This is normal, absolutely normal after a divorce.  But if it continues for 2 weeks or more every day, it is considered actual depression.  At the very least, talking to a therapist would really help you sort out your feelings and emotions and help you get an idea in your head what your life could look like down the road.  and if you feel depressed and meet the criteria for clinical deperession as diagnosed by a professional, treatment is so much easier in these times we live in and you should treat it fully.  

I feel for you.  Keep a journal as that can be very therapeutic.  Incorporate exercise into your daily routine as that is good for mind, body and soul.  And stay as budy as you can.  

Again, we are here for you dear.  I feel bad you are going through this and can only say that time will heal or dull this pain.  Peace to you and good luck
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3061830_tn?1340642044
thank you both for your kind words. i lost all of our friends in the divorce due to how hard i took it. i wouldnt go out with friends anymore, i stopped dancing, i stopped smiling. i stopped feeling joy in life.. every feeling is numb. and on top of all of these things he shows no concern for a child he tells everybody that he loves so much and does so much for. he is playing with my emotions by telling me if i do this or that we could try to work things out. our daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor in october, he has seen her 5 times since then. she was hospitalized for 3 weeks in october and he stopped by the hospital for 30 minutes. hospitalized again last month for a week and he stopped by long enough to sit in the chair on the other side of the room from my daughter and sat there without speaking and watched swamp people before announcing he had to go meet his girlfriend. im trying not to feel hopeless.. ive tried several medications (prozac, triazadone, lexapro, xanax) and they all yield one common result; they all make me either drunk or make me sleep for days.. and being a single parent with an epileptic child with a brain tumor i cannot chance her having a seizure and me not being fully alert to be there for her. i dont know why my heart wont give up on him despite the awful things he has done and continues to do to our daughter and i. i wish i could move or go somewhere where i could forget him, but no matter how far i go or how long i go without talking to him my heart just wont forget....
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1415482_tn?1337188613
I am terribly sorry about all this my dear. Certainly a divorce is never an easy thing especially when you have been with the person this long. I have never been married before but I understand what it is like to have to sever ties with someone you are in love with. Can I be honest? It sounds to me like he lost interest. This was not your fault, it was all on him. He cheated and you decided to stick it out but HE left anyways. Believe me when I say this, you will be happier for it.

A marriage should be about love, trust, compromise and making it work. It should never be about obligations and unhappiness. You loved him dearly and so you decided to stay, plus you did not want to disrupt your daughter's life, that is very noble of you. However, you are 25 years old, you are young and certainly worth more than what your ex husband could offer. You are an example to your daughter and so was your marriage. Therefore, you should show her a) never accept less than what you are worth and b) that a marriage should be about true and willing love, not unhappiness and infidelity. Remember that our children emulate us first before anyone else, therefore we ought to model the appropriate attitude.

The pain will pass, I guarantee. It hurts now but you will pick up the pieces and with each passing day, the confusion will fade away. You do not HAVE to be his friend, especially since he is not acting friendly. In the best interest of your child, attempt to be civil with him. Most importantly, in the best interest of your child, transform into an advocate for her and let him know that you need parental support from him. He is not completely unattached, he did not divorce her, so he needs to stop acting like a 16 year old boy and own up to his responsibility WHICH IS YOUR DAUGHTER! You may feel weak now but you are something he is not, a mother. You will be surprised at the strength your child can give you in the moment you feel most feeble .

Please speak to a professional, you sound like you are going through situational depression, it usually passes but it may turn into a bigger depression which will be harder to treat. There are other forums on medhelp which provides support from other members who are going through or have gone through similar situations,such as: the relationship forum/community and the divorce and breakup forum/community.

xoxoxoxo Anna
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, I think you are on the right track actually with medication. The one thing to remember about most medications for depression, they have start up side effects that are transient.  This means that they are only in the begining.  One strategy is to start slow.  A low dose to begin with ---  maybe half of what is considered a full therapeutic dose for you or a quarter.  This is a common strategy for those who suffer the transient side effects that helps them tolerate the medication.  Start slow, the side effects that are in the begining decrease as one gets used to the drug and then you increase the dose after maybe two weeks and by weeks six to eight, you are effectively treating your depression.  Have you tried this approach yet?

Ya know what sweetie, this is going to hurt.  It hurts to be rejected.  It hurts to end a relationship that we thought was forever.  It is painful to see our children suffer as he is 'too busy' to be a good dad.  I do highly recommend you seek the help of a lawyer to clain that child support which he OWES!  

But I would continue to try to work on the depression because it is hard to recover from something like this under the cloud of depression.  

BTW I would say that you were on the right track with the prozac type drugs.  Trazadone and Xanax are not great.  I'd stick with SSRI's or SNRI's.  There are drugs in these classes that are a little bit different but mild to take.  

wishing you peace.  PM me or contact us any time on the forum.  
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Avatar_f_tn
You've had much Understanding, Compassion,and Good Advice here, so I will only add that it's no small surprise that You've had so much Emotional difficulty - You are mourning the "death" of Your Marriage - Your Future, Your Hopes, Your Dreams, and the FATHER OF YOUR CHILD!!  Your difficulty with all this is "normal".  (I personally feel it adds ANOTHER dimention when the affair occurs with a "friend" or relative - (been there, done that myself but I won't dwell on that.)  That being said, You really should take Help and Comfort where You can get it (therapy, medication - I wish these had been an option for me at the time) AND You most certainly should be receiving Child Support!!  This is His Child, He too has a financial responsibility.  He doesn't "totally" support the Child - his "Child Support" payment only "contributes" to the expense of raising a Child.  It's His responsibility to contribute.
Good Luck
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You may want to try a book called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burn. It is a book that uses something called Cognitive Behavioural Psychology. It is good for depressions that have a 'cause'. It works by breaking down cognitive disortions and replacing them with more accurate thinking. In some studies it has proven as effective as antidepressants and lasts longer. It is not Polly Anna self help, it is real and practical. I would buy the older book a) it is cheap. It has a yellow cover and you can usually get it for until $10, and b) I think it is much easier to follow that the new book which is wordy. I couldn't get all the way through the new edition but have read the old edition a few times.

The old is gone. It will never come back. He didn't love you like you loved him. Call him dumb, stupid and idiot, because he left you. Him leaving you was the stupidest thing he's ever done. He lost out on the love of a good woman. Your 'soul' mate - he may still be out there. Your ex never truly love you unconditionally, and he never gave you his full heart. You deserve better.

Your today does not define your tomorrow. Work through the book and work at reclaiming your life. And it starts small. Go for a vigorous walk - this is the best thing you can do out of all the suggestions because it increases endorphines and will help beat the depression. Even if all you can muster is around the block once - start there. Take a journal to a park and start writing (bring kleenex as you may end up crying), treat yourself to a single flower (they only cost a few bucks, I like gerber daisies), make you and your daughter a nice meal, paint your toe nails bright pink, if you are spiritual read spiritual texts or go to a religious service. Because you are worth taking care of. My therapist had a great saying "Actions follow feelings. If you wait until you feel like doing something it will never get done if you are depressed. You have to do it, and then you will start to feel better"

Just because he doesn't want you - doesn't mean someone else won't. My second husband - he taught me what true unconditional love was. My first marriage was an illusion, my second is the real deal. At the time I really thought my first was my soul mate. We got married right out of highschool. Looking back though, he didn't treat me right.

And please consider hiring a lawyer to get your child support. Garnish his wages if you have to. Sometimes you gotta be a 'B' and this is one of those times.
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Avatar_f_tn
I really like what lindahand said!!  Good suggestions!!  The only thing I would add is at the last:  "sometimes You gotta be a 'B' "
What I would like to add to that is You wouldn't REALLY be a 'B' to go for Child Support.  Child Support isn't about You - it's about a Parents' OBLIGATION to His Child!!  YOU do not gain from Child Support - His Child does!!
As far as being a 'B'......

               Men who fight and even die for what they Believe are "heroes".
SOME Men think:   Women who fight for what THEY Believe are nags, hags, b-tches, and witches.  Even angry Men who DO get called bad names are called "b-stards, sons of  b-tches, etc., (which are STILL directed at (Women) the Mothers!!

It's Men who don't want to meet Their Responsiblities (Child Support) who have made these designations about Women.  We DO NOT have to buy into this!!  When is enough enough??

Women KNOW that a "father" has a Financial OBLIGATION TO HIS CHILD!!

You MUST look out for Your Child - SHE is entitled!!

Good Luck
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3061830_tn?1340642044
thanks so much for the kind words. truth is i have no support system emotionally, we dont have any divorce/separation/grieving support groups locally. i lost so much in the divorce; my husband, my best friend, trust, self image, confidence. I have lost myself in this battle with him and with my own feelings. I do walk, i walk to burn off my frustration. after everything...... i cant seem to find myself. thinking of dating feels wrong, im not interested in anyone, i dont want to get to know anyone. i dont want to get hurt again because truthfully this has really done a number on me. my baby is my life, she is 6 but she will always be the one thing that can make me smile at the end of the day. i chose not to disclose this in my original post but in october i found out my daughter has a brain tumor and her kidneys have been damaged from a abnormal urethral construction. so as of right this moment she may need a kidney transplant, i relay all of this to my ex husband and he says to me "what am i supposed to do? that kids ends up in the hospital every two weeks". i stand there phone in hand totally blown away. and yes, we do spend ALOT of time in the hospital. he never shows up, he never calls to check on her. i feel like whatever i did wrong to make him not love me has caused him to not love our child, i feel like its my fault he doesnt love us both. through the tests, through the tears, the needles, the meds, the hurting, her crying, the seizures, the hospital stays i have never left her side, ever. he hasnt showed up or called the last 3 times we have been in the hospital. last time we were there he had my truck repossessed (only vehicle i had). he doesnt seem to understand that i had to quit my job in January because she wasnt able to leave the hospital for 3 weeks and I HAD TO BE THERE because i am her mother and SHE NEEDED ME. i have an attorney and i have been awarded alimony and child support, but i dont have the 1500 needed to take him back to court.

   honestly, i could care less about me, she is very sick and im not sure how long i will have her and my reason for life is caring for her and i have to focus on her right now. i just wish i could get out of this rut :(
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Avatar_f_tn
OMGolly!!  MY HEART ACHES FOR YOU!!
You are a Very Strong Woman.  I'm sorry You aren't seeing that about YourSelf.
Do You have Family nearby that can share this burden with You?

You have done NOTHING wrong!!  Your husband is not who You "thought" he was.  It's okay to mourn the loss of the man You THOUGHT he was but it's also okay to be angry at the man You now understand he REALLY is.  There's a BIG clue here in the fact he also seems to care little about his
Daughter.  My feeling is that a man who cheats on his Marriage is lacking Character, Morals AND Standards - but to show no concern for his Daughters' situation is incomprehensible!!  This is not a good man - somehow You didn't realize that but my guess is there were clues You were unable to see.  One day You will look back and see those things.

As for dating now - don't even think about it.  Your Priority is Your Daughter and She needs Your Focus - there's no room for dating in Your Life right now.  You will heal from the pain of Your husbands infidelity, You will Learn, You will Grow and You will make better choices when You are ready to date.  There are Good Men who won't hurt You and after this You make better choices.  Your eyes will be more wide open.  This I know is true.
  
My prayers are for You and Your Daughter.
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483733_tn?1326802046
I can't imagine going through what you are.  I am in awe of your strength.

You did nothing to cause that man to stop loving you or your child.  This is his problem, not yours, you are collateral damage.  Can you call on his family to help?  Tell them what is happening and ask them for help for their granddaughter/nience, etc.  Can you go back to your friends and try and get them reinvolved in your life?  Can you move to where you have family for support?

Please keep us posted.  You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Avatar_f_tn
"i feel like whatever i did wrong to make him not love me has caused him to not love our child, i feel like its my fault he doesnt love us both"

I feel like crying when I read that. It just breaks my heart because it is so untrue. Please consider getting the book I suggested. It can really help with those types of thoughts.

It wasn't what 'you' did wrong. He decided to step outside the marriage. Its on him. You couldn't make him stay anymore than you could turn an apple into an orange. Sure there are things we all could do better, I know you weren't a perfect wife, but you didn't deserve that.

Is there a social worker at the hospital? You would ask the nurses and they would know. The social worker may know of attorneys who will take cases like this. You are not the only one to end up in such a situation I am sure of that. And the social worker may be a good ear to listen for a while. That or contacting pastoral support. You don't mention being religious so that may not be a good fit, but they often know people who know people ... As well have you asked your attorney if they will accept payment once you collect? Doesn't hurt to ask. You case is certainly not typical.

Just take it one day at a time.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry for your loss.  You are grieving the death of your marriage and all your future dreams.  It's a hard thing to swallow.  You have been to hell and back.  You're still here, still standing, still caring for your child.  You have a beautiful future in store for you.  It may not get better right away, it might take a very long time.  If you can just try to think of one hopeful thought each day, and I know that sounds impossible, that one thought will turn into two thoughts then three thoughts and so forth.  You are so young and have this wonderful daughter.  
I am exactly where you are, except I was married for 20 years, have three kids, a 12 year old and 4 year old twins.  My husband cheated and lied to me for three years.  I was so scared when I found out, I just wanted us to work it out.  I gave it 9 months, then I realized this man is an adulterer, liar, cheater and a complete fraud.  I have finally realized I don't want him.  I still get so sad and angry that he could have done what he did.  I feel like I never really knew him, and that scares the hell out of me.
We will both come out of this stronger than we ever were.
For me, this is my second act.  I plan on going back to law school and look forward to possibly falling in love again.
My therapist has told me to do something social once a week.  Call those friends, invite them over for dessert after your daughter goes to bed.  Make a phone call to another friend or family member.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and with myself!
Feel free to PM too if you'd like.
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