Guilt/ Regret- I let my dog friend go

[Cmrosko]

Can anyone refer me to a good place to find support for taking my dog away from the clinic while he was having an internal bleed most likely caused by hemangiosarcoma? I was under duress and pressured about making a decision for high risk surgery or euthanasia. I felt so bad for my dog I felt he had been surrounded by many who thought he should be put to death. At the time I felt I'd rather just get him out of there and asked for herbs to help stop the bleed.
He was lethargic but very much awake and aware. He died in my vehicle about 20 minutes after I left the clinic.
I don't know why I isn't ask the Dr. to get my dog stabilized so I could take him home in better condition and treat him with herbs and supplements so he could have at least a little more time with hans an hugs that really cared about him.. I can't stop rehearsing tho in my mind. I am so sick about it. My dog recently turned 12 an was the greatest source of warmth and friendship. We went for daily walks to his favorite places. I feel lost and plagued by my port , regretful decision.

[tonyb286]

Hi. The grief we feel for our best friends runs deep. Our dogs are often our closest companions, who stay at our side through good and bad times and with whom we probably spend more time with than anyone else. I don't think there would have been any time for you or your vet team to do anything to help your dog and, consequently, you have no need to feel guilt. Sadly, our dogs never live as long as we would like.

You are among friends here, friends that understand your loss and how emotionally traumatic it is. I hope you find some peace and soon start remembering all the wonderfully happy times you have shared with your dog. If your dog could speak to you, I'm certain he would say a huge thank you to you ... thank you for loving and caring for him and for giving him a wonderful life.

Tony

[RynB]

I am so sorry for your loss and know exactly how much pain you are in. My husband and I had our 15& 1/2 year old shihtzu put to rest a week ago. Like you we are lost without her and have had conversations around maybe we should have done this or done that...etc...She was diagnosed with kidney failure and became sick very quickly.
There are no words to describe such a loss and I have been searching everywhere for comfort-something to help ease the heartache. online sources such as Rainbow Bridge  has helped- the poem The GuestHouse has been a godsend-Jon Kabat Zinn on grief and sorrow-writing about my dog to everyone -making a few small donations in her memory to Humane Society. All of these things are helping but it's a moment by moment existence with waves of sorrow that rise up and fall.
Hang in there-it will get a bit easier-guilt is so common and you can't allow yourself to go too far with the what ifs.......talk them out with us here or others-I for one am always willing to respond.
I know that in time you will be comforted by the love you gave and received throughout your pups life.

[ginger899]

If you feel it might help you, there is a grief support forum at "Rainbows Bridge". You should find it easily on Google.

[ginger899]

Maybe I can personally offer you a little peace of mind? I doubt it because we grieve our good dogs very hard. But I had a beloved dog who also passed from Hemangiosarcoma in 2012, so I emphathise.

She initially had some blood clotting problems after 2 breast surgeries in March 2012. She sailed through both surgeries but bled heavily after the second one. No one understood why. Although she was not young, she had great health and finess.

Then she developed a lump on her ribs. She was poked and prodded, x-rayed, sedated (yet again) had needle biopsy. (She detested going to the vet and it stressed her very much.)
She had antibiotics, pain killers forced down her throat, and still nothing was conclusive.
Then she had an internal bleed. I agreed to have an ultrasound to confirm what the vet suspected: Hemangiosarcoma.
He suggested an incisional biopsy to be doubly sure of the diagnosis.
I said no. She'd had enough.  
I could see she'd had enough of all the medical interventions.

The vet didn't pressure me to ether -euthanise her or start her on Chemo. I researched, and discovered nothing was going to cure it anyway, was not going to go down the "Chemo route" with her, for the sake of a possible extra few weeks, and opted for my loving version of 'hospice care at home'. I knew she was dying by that time, but she was happy and had a 90% excellent quality of life. So there was no way I was going to have her put to sleep until the 'time came'. And I knew when it did, I would have no regrets.

I knew there was no way back, but she had a lot of potential still for many good days and I was going to allow her to live them.

It was late as she had tumours on the spleen and liver by that time (shown on the ultrasound) and three medium sized subcutaneous tumours which sprang up literally overnight. It was obvious she was riddled with the cancer. But she was not in pain, although had slowed down, and didn't want to walk far. But she was still happy and having fun.

I bought her Immune Support tablets, gave her nettle teas to help stem any internal beeding, and started her on the "Budwig Protocol". She loved that "Budwig diet" thing. I gave it to her as a treat every afternoon. (It's not suitable for all dogs as can cause pancreatitis in some.)

So we puddled along like that for 2 weeks. I just withdrew her from all the veterinary interventions. Because she'd had enough. The vet completely understood my choice and was kind and supportive.

She had a sudden internal bleed. She recovered. The vet said some dogs, though 'dying' can have bleeding episodes, recover in a day or so, and then regain great quality of life in between them. It was a worrying 2 days, but she started to recover nicely.
Then unfortunately 6 days later she had another one. But that one was massive. I got her help and early morning, had her put to sleep.

I could tell that it wasn't a small bleed which might have been managed, but a very serious one.

I feel for you and what you are going through. Please do not be hard on yourself. It is the most heartbreaking difficult thing that can happen -to have to choose -life or death? for a loved one.
"Getting them stabilised" when they are going through a major Hemangiosarcoma bleed is not really possible. There's not a lot a vet can do. Even herbs won't help if it's a big bleed from the spleen or liver. The only thing that can possibly be done at that stage is wait for nature to take its course and the bleeding to clot and stop. And sometimes it doesn't.

I actually feel in my heart that you did the right thing. Hans passed away with you, the one he loved, in the car and that was preferable to passing on a table at the vet's with strangers all around him.

My sincere condolences. My heart goes out to you. Blessings to your spirit dear Hans!