In need of answers

March 31, 2010, I put my best friend of the last 11 years, Max to sleep.  He hadn't been eating for 2 days, seemed just lethargic and not his playful self.  Took him to the vet, and he had a football size tumor on his spleen.  Max was also diagnosed with cushing's disease 2 years ago, but a mild case.  The vet said surgery was an option, but did not recommend it.  I heartbrokenly made the decision to let him go that day.  By far the hardest decision I have yet to have to make, and I am a seasoned ER nurse---but this one just shattered my heart.  I haven't slept since then.  Can't eat.  Can't stop crying.  I did some research tonight online and it said 2/3 of the spleen tumors in dogs are malignant, but the ones that aren't can be removed and the dog can live a good life providing post-op complications do not occur.  Given Max's age and cushings, the vet couldn't give a good surgical prognosis.  But since i found out that information, I am now just in incredible pain, thinking "i just killed my dog.   i took him to soon.  what if it was benign?"  Can't seem to stop the overwhelming guilt I am feeling.  Just needed to get this out, because right now, I'm just torn to shreds over it.

[auntiemissa]

oh i know how you feel! last nov my 5yr old dog got a bit of a cough so i took her in and her lymph nodes were swollen.they did biopsy and it took one week to get the results back which were cancer.I had a very hard time with this.how do i know when its time etc etc.she wasnt acting or looking sick other than swollen lymph nodes.i had an awesome vet who explained that i could do chemo but that would only give her about an extra 6mo to live.i decided that i would NOT treat her because i did NOT want her last moments on earth to be experiencing chemo(no one should have too).i want you to know that you made the right choice.we cant let life be full of "what ifs" or we would all go crazy.Being with my dog when she was put to sleep made me realize that was the most peaceful experience ever(i was totally scared to experince it but i have no regrets)I wish we could all "go" peacefully.At least your dog wasnt suffering,at least your dog didnt have to experience a surgery that might or might not work or have complications.One thing i was told that helps me is to know that dogs live in the moment.they do not fear death etc.they do not know anything but what is happening in the moment.Your dog isnt "mad" at you because of the what ifs.They dont know what ifs.my dog was in my arms my arms when the time came and thats all she knew.(now im in tears).If you need someone to talk to please let me know as i just went through this myself.Please hang in there

[lindapalm]

We put our dog to sleep in February due to Cushings, so it is very possible that even if your dog didnt have a tumor, the Cushings may have gotten worse and you would have had to do it anyhow.  You'll feel guilty, I did, but I also have come to realize there were no other options left.  You loved your dog a great deal, and he knew it, and you did the best you could for him.  Miss him, but don't feel guilty.

[ginger899]

You did what your instincts told you, and I have a very strong feeling you might have been right. Instincts, especially under such circumstances, are not often wrong. When there is life and death in the balance, many of us make the right decisions.

I had the same feeling when I had to put my last dog to sleep at 14. He had inoperable prostate cancer, quite a large tumor. Yet paradoxically, even though he had times when he was obviously not well, that last 2 weeks, he also had brilliant energy sometimes, and ran around chasing his ball, and digging holes!
Even when it got to the stage he couldn't pee (the last 3 hours or so) and the vet had tried all options available, and it was obvious to me I had to put him to sleep -I still felt "What about that energy he still had?" "Did I do the right thing?!"

It is one of the most heartbreaking and difficult things to do. Part of us cannot imagine "killing" our beloved dog! That's what causes the problems. And yet instinct, and common sense prevail just when our beloved friend needs us most.

I am so sorry this happened. I do indeed know what this heartbreak is like. God bless you.