my best friend was put down and i need to know what might have happened
My sweet little maltese just turned 10. I had noticed for awhile when he barked excessivley..his tongue was bluish. I had taken him to his vet...who didn't seem concerned. One day about 6 mos. ago...he awoke not able to stand. It was dx'd as vestibular syndrome. It had nearly disappeared within 3 hours. Seemed ok...but then one night he started to act like he had to pee...every 2 minutes. The vet gave antibiotics...he seemed better. Then he awoke one night crying in pain. He acted as though his front leg hurt...although he had no accidents or nothing that I saw. Thought it was arthritis...gave him baby aspirin....which seemed to help. His appetite seemed to start dwindling down the last couple of months. He would sometimes vomit...sometimes had diarrhea...but it cleared within a couple of days. I then noticed one morning he seemed to be breathing abnormally. Rushed him to the ER...where he had a pleuril effusion...they did a thorocentisis...withdrew bloody fluid..which was analyzed and cells came back as abnormal...although they couldn't say for sure he had cancer. They told me to have an echocardiogram done...which had to be arranged elswhere. I got him home the next day...and he would now vomit even water. I gave him water by syringe...pedialyte. He could keep it down if given in small amounts. He would not eat at all. Took him back to the ER...they gave cerenia...but he still wouldn't eat. I fed baby formula by syringe. He was losing weight. I had him at his vet...nearly every day...where he received shots of antibiotics, in case of infection. The fluid culture showed small amounts of psuedomonis...but they believed it was not a true infection....but a contaminant. Oliver's bleeding times came back as normal. I took Oliver to yet another vet for a second opinion. He said Ollie was very sick..and referred me to yet another emergency hospital...where they believed Ollie had cancer but said even with further testing they might not find a mass. He had infiltrates in his lungs...some liver enlargement...something in his kidney...slightly enlarged heart..and thickened bladder walls. They told me the best thing I could do was to let Oliver go. I let Oliver go that night. He had not eaten in 10 days...he seemed very restless..where he couldn't get comfortable. I was exhausted...could not think straight anymore...and did not want to see my baby suffer. Now...7 weeks later...I just want to die myself still. I keep thinking that maybe Ollie stopped eating because he was traumatized by my having to leave him at the hospital...and all the testing. Or maybe he picked up on my fears...and if only I could have gotten him strong enough....I could have done more tests to find out for absolute certain why he was so sick....and what caused the pleuril effusion. I just want to go to sleep myself...and never wake up. I miss him horribly...and cannot believe he is gone...and I am the one who let him go. He looked up and he kissed me just after they sedated him before putting him down. I thought maybe it was the first time he felt better...from the sedation...and maybe he was just having some pain from a stomach issue...and MAYBE he could have been saved. If I only knew for sure if he had cancer...I could deal with it...but I got no real answer...it was PTE vs cancer vs CHF vs Cushings...infection etc....but no answer. I am truly devastated. I know I can't bring him back....but he was only 10. Two weeks before...he played tug of war...he was interested in things...but near the end he just was not himself. I am dying inside...thinking...he didn't know why he was being poked and prodded and left in places without me. I was even told he might have died from a broken heart. I am dying of a broken heart....because I couldn't save my boy. PLEASE PLEASE help me....I can't deal with this anymore...
Hey you......I spent over an hour writing a wonderful letter to you, and when I thought it was almost done, I went to read it before submitting it, and abra cadabra....It disappeared....! GRRRR... anyway, here is the brunt of it.
I know exactly what you are feeling, because I had a very similar experience about 7 weeks ago. I know the guilt you are feeling. Yes....guilt. You are questioning wheather or not you should have had Oliver euthanized when you did. You are second guessing all the decisions you made, regarding his recent illness. You appreciate all the kind, loving ,comforting words people are giving you,and you know they are sincere, but somehow....you still feel like you have done something wrong, and no one truly understands how you are feeling...Right...? I can tell you that I do understand. I am experiencing the same emotions. The same doubts...the same guilt. Everyday I question the decisions I made...Everyday...I cry. Finally after 7 weeks...I have told myself, that I need to get a grip on things, and try to concentrate more on what I DO KNOW.....and less ....on the maybe's ...if only's....and what if's.....So....
I know our dogs were sick.....( read your letter to yourself )
I know we loved them enough to take them to the vets.
I know we would not want them to suffer with sickness, just to keep us happy a little longer.
I know any decision we made for them, was because we love them so much.
I know we ONLY ALWAYS wanted to do what was best for them.
I know we need to tell ourselves that ....what is MOST IMPORTANT...is
HOW THEY LIVED....! Not how they left.
I wish I had some magic words to help us both find a way to heal. But Grieving is not easy....and healing takes time. It is normal to feel the way you do.
I can tell you that our dogs know how much we love them, and if they knew how much we were greiving....they would greive with us. I do not want my dog to greive with me, any more than I would have wanted her to suffer for me. Grieving is suffering.
I can not offer you and magic words, because there are none. But I can offer my understanding of your emotions. I can also offer an open ear....so please do not hesitate to reply.....Please take comfort, in knowing that someone does understand....Connie
That really is the saddest thing about our great love for our animal companions. That the chance is high WE are going to have to have them killed...in the end
That whole concept is so surreal and so awful. It is the ultimate betrayal. It is the deepest saddest thing we could ever do. We had our loved one deliberately killed.
That's how it can feel. And of course that realization brings a whole storm of sorrow, blame, guilt, shock, horror, denial.....you name it.
Of course what we have really done is fulfilled our promise to them...that we will always be there for them in their greatest need, that we will be their providers and protectors, we will use our wit, money, energy whatever else, to do our best for them, and if things get hopelessly bad, their world is full of pain, and no medical interventions are working any more -then we will take the responsibility on our own shoulders for them, and be the instrument to take them away from that suffering.
And that's what you did.
I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt quite similar after having my last dog put to sleep. Although in his case it was clearer, he had prostate cancer which had invaded his bladder. He was desperately, hopelessly sick, even though he had been walking that day, digging mole-hills, eating his food.
Yes we tried everything, and nothing worked. But even the night he had been put to sleep and I was waiting for the morning to bury his body, I kept racking my brains, "was there anything else I could have done?" "Had I missed something?"
Even...."Could he have been catheterized, then had a bladder resection, and follow-up chemotherapy?"...."Have I REALLY done my best for him, or given up on him because I couldn't think of another way out?"
Yes I was thinking those desperate thoughts even though I knew in my heart such things would not have been possible.
Whatever your poor Oliver had wrong with him you are unsure. Yet what is clear is that for all the tests, for all the medicine, he was not getting better, he was getting worse -much worse. He didn't eat, not because he was a little bit sick, which could have been cured with the right medication -but because he was VERY very sick, and on his last legs.
His dying could have been prolonged, but you chose to end it for him.
That was a very brave and selfless decision to make. But you had the courage to make it. Because you loved him.
Oh My...I have been in your exact shoes & I remember how awful it was......I still cry (Years later) over that particular guy.....First, my condolences on your loss & heartache....
You sound like a wonderful mom and did everything you could for your Oliver.....He was extremely lucky to have you! I wish all pet parents were like you......
There is no way of telling what happened without a Necropsy (Canine Autopsy). When I was in your situation, I could not bear the thought of the Necropsy, so years later I still wonder what was wrong.....
I did everything you did and still had many unanswered questions.......It still goes through my head as to what was making him so sick...I never found out, either...
Your questioning yourself is part of grief.......As you work through the stages, you will find a way to cope.....As time goes by it will get better....
Please, do not beat yourself up...You did everything you could and more....You also gave him the greatest gift of all: An end to his suffering....
Somewhere down the line you will find the need for another little guy or girl...We all tell ourselves "Never Again", but in my experience, it doesn't last....The need to fulfill another dog's dreams are very overpowering. :)
Or maybe he or she will find you......Never can tell!
Try to enjoy the memories of the 10 years you were blessed with him....Do not let the last days ruin 10 precious years......That wouldn't be right!
My heart goes out to you...I am so very sorry for your loss....Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope time will heal your heart.....Stick around and join us here if you like......You are always welcome.... Karla
"Run Free Oliver~~~You were much Loved~~~One of the Lucky Ones"
Thank-you to all of you for sharing your experience with me.
There is a saying....." If you want to know what the road ahead looks like, ask the people who are coming back."
Thanks for sharing the road with us, and being our guide.
Thanks for letting us express our innermost feelings, without fear of judgement.
Thanks for your time, kind words, and understanding.
I hope today will be better for you than yesterday. I know you would like a definite answer on Olivers condition. I wish I could help. I can tell you, that if it would have been something easy to diagnose, the vets would have found it.
Oliver may have had several conditions that were causing his illness, not just one. Whatever was going on with him, was not good....he was sick. If a dog is normally a good eater, and then quits eating....it is because he is sick. Oliver was sick, there is no question about that. 10 days without eating.....He was sick. I had a boxer a few years ago...she had a lot of similar symptoms like Oliver did. My dog had fluid building up in her lungs...(due to several conditions ) ....the vet failed to pick up on the fluid in her lungs, until she started coughing it up...by then, she was drowning in her own fluids. diuretics did not help...the condition was too progressed. I don't know how the vet missed it...I told her all the symptoms I could think of...but somehow it was missed. I can tell you that my dog struggled for months before the condition was discovered...Regardless of whatever diseases Oliver may have had that were causing the fluid in the lungs,.....you would not have wanted Oliver to live or die that way. Again....Oliver was very sick...you did what you could.....he still loves you, and he always will.
Thank you all for your kindness and for writing to me. Talking helps while I read it...but then the times come where my mind won't stop re-living every moment of Oliver's last days with me. I remember taking Oliver into the ER the first time...hearing the word cancer. I see Oliver's tiny face...his pleading eyes as I left him in the oxygen cage. Ollie was never ever caged in his life....he was never away from me. It broke my heart leaving him...and I know his was broken as well. They did the thorocentisis...and his breathing seemed better...but he couldn't eat. I DID take him to the vets...back to the ER...I fed him by syringe..I tried so hard...but I couldn't help him. I took him outside on the swing and rocked him as much as I could. I told him how much I loved him. For the last 10 days it was nothing but vets and hospitals....and my baby was just so tired. After letting him go....I thought maybe he picked up on my fears and negative energy....and that was why he couldn't come out of it. I was so tired myself...I could hardly take in all the information anymore...I just wanted one of them to please give Ollie parenteral nutrition....make him strong for me. I couldn't stand watching him starving to death. The day before Ollie died he spent alone in a hospital getting I.V. batril for only one day....for what...they never gave it time to work. They left the catheter in so that I could bring him back the next day to receive it again. But then the vet referred me to another emergency Hospital with better equiptment....but I was told not to even bother with further testing as it may not show any mass....it could be everywhere....and it would be a waste of money. They said the kindest thing could do was to let Ollie go. I took him home for a couple of hours before he had to go be put down. I thought of keeping him for just one more night....but I was so afraid of what the night would bring. I wish now that I had done that much....because when Ollie kissed me...I thought maybe...he was coming back to me. He drank a little water that day...without vomiting....he barked at a passerby. If I had ever known what my mind would do to me I would have had the testing done no matter what the cost. It had already cost thousands of dollars...but I'd have sold anything I owned to help my boy. Every morning I wake up to the thought my baby is gone....and it is the very last thought I have at night. I really wish I would never wake up myself....I want to be with him wherever he is. I pray to GOD to please give me a sign that Ollie is okay and with HIM. So far nothing has happened to give me that sign. I have Ollie's ashes...and a pendant with his ashes by my heart. I watched Ollie born...I had both his parents. But I had gotten very ill myself....and kept only Ollie. He was at my side for years when I couldn't move. He even tried to keep my husband who can be very abusive...away from me...as tiny as he was. Ollie was my sole companion...my soulmate. Only recently have I started improving physically...and I feel when my boy needed me....I couldn't save him. I loved the fall...and the holidays...but the thought now just makes me sick to my stomach....just knowing Ollie is not going to be here with me. We didn't go many places...just the two of us snuggling on the couch together...rides in the car...recently as I started feeling better. I have lost people in my life...and this pain is far worse. Maybe because Ollie couldn't tell me what to do....or what he was feeling. I just think to myself....what if I were a dog when I was so sick...and someone decided to put me out of my misery. I wouldn't have been here now. But that is what I did to my Ollie. I decided he had had enough. GOD did not take him. I did it. I actually feel as though I executed him. I know in my heart that I just couldn't stand to see him suffering....it was killing me watching it. I just wanted him to rest...and he just couldn't. But now the finality of it has hit me. He is gone. I can never hold him again...I can never kiss him again. I'm so very sorry for being like this. You are all very good people....to take the time to talk to me. I tried talking to vets....but of course they just say that it was the right thing to do. I feel as if I need to talk to a vet that did not treat Ollie....to see what they thought. I also thought my faith was very strong...but now...grieving like this makes me think that it is not so. Because if I truly believed...I would not be feeling this way. I would know for certain that I would be reunited with Ollie when my time comes to leave here. I hope we all do reunite with our beloved pets...I cannot believe there could be a Heaven without our beautiful pets. Some people say animals have no souls....how could they say that? Their souls are so pure...so loving....they deserve Heaven before us imperfect humans. Thank you all so much....for listening...for your heartfelt thoughts....Dayle
Thank you for writing again....you are trying so hard to help me...and I just read your letter AFTER I already posted my letter. It seems like you went through almost the same with your pet...as I did. I had Ollie to his vet all the time. Ollie saw the doctor more often than I went myself. I told his vet that Ollie had a bluish tongue when he became stressed...but he didn't seem concerned. I noticed it for the past year...but not often. In the end...he truly had breathing problems. That is when he had fluid around his lungs. They thought because it was bloody...it was cancer. I thought I would die when she said that word. I nearly hit the floor. It was just so sudden. I still think Ollie had CHF ...not cancer...because of the way he had slowed down in the past year. But I thought it was just his age. The vet never said anything ....just did his regular exams. My life truly was centered around my Oliver. He was my savior....he was just always there for me. I feel totally lost without him. He taught me so much about love. I never ever in my life had that kind of love. I knew that there would be a day I would lose Ollie. But I honestly thought we would have at least a couple of more years together. I had only recently started feeling better myself...and able to take him places and do little things with him. Before that....we were home all the time. I wanted the time to do more with him...now that I could. I miss him so much....as I am sure you do too. How are you now? are you still having bad days? Ad is there anything you found that helps take away some of the heartache? I know my chest actually hurts...like someone is just crushing my heart. It is so bad sometimes....dealing with it. I know my boy never wanted me to be sad. He kissed away my tears so many times. He ALWAYS made me feel better. I try to think of what Ollie would want for me. GOD BLESS YOU....and thank you...Dayle
Dayle & Two Bits Mom: This is for your both......I'm thinking about you today & hope life is alittle easier......Karla
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
karla....thank you for your thoughtfulness...I need to hear it right now. My husband is yelling at me that he is sick of me...of my crying...and to just get over it. I just can't. My heart actually hurts. Very real pain. I wake up to the thoughts of my baby...and go to sleep the same. I just want to sleep so as not to feel the pain. I'm not crying for me...I cry for Oliver...I don't know what he was feeling...what he would have wanted. The days are beautiful...he would have enjoyed them now. He hated the heat....just like I do...the days are cool and nice....he just loved his sweaters. It will never be the same....not until I know that somehow he is with me. Thank you again for listening....Dayle
Thank-you for your prayers, kind words, compassion, and continued support.....I have met so many caring and understanding people on this forum. You have my utmost respect.....you give so much of your time to try and help others with their grief....I commend you.....Thanks for being here....Connie
I am sitting here reading your letters, and it is scary......Everything...I mean EVERYTHING....that you are feeling and experiencing ...is exactly the same. The same emotions.....even the same reaction from my husband...! He yelled at me last night....! It was unexcusable for him to treat me like that, just because he doesn't understand how I'm feeling. I was hoping my Husband would try to support me in my grief.....I feel as though he "kicked me when I was down".....I know he misses her and he is frustrated with me crying about her....,but...He thinks..I should feel the same way he does.....I wish I did...but unfortunately....I'm not at that stage of grieving yet....and he just can't figure it out....! GRRRRR..... It is horrible to have to deal with something like that when we already feel so bad. That is why I am so thankful for this forum....because there are people like you, Nannysdad, Misfits4me, Ginger899, Ghilly....and so many more like them. You do understand...and all of you are willing to listen and offer help.....for as long as it takes....! Whew....I never though I would say this, but Thank Goodness for the internet...!
Dayle...as far as Oliver picking up on your negative energy....BULLPOOH...! Get that out of your head....! If he was picking up on anything, it was your LOVE....and there is nothing negative about that. He left here knowing you loved him, and he felt it as well. There is no shame in letting your dog know how much you will miss him.
I will talk with you tomorrow....we can help each other through this...!
Hang in there....Connie
I am so sorry you are in pain like this. And especially because you feel alone with your grief. Doesn't your husband miss Oliver too? Or maybe his reactions are just HIS way of trying to cope with the grief he feels?
Maybe not...of course I don't know.
Anyway, let me tell you something that happened to me.
In 1999 my husband died. Nine months later our dog, Toby died too. I was very alone and distraught. I was the same as you for a long time. I howled with pain and grief sometimes.
I knew nothing about "Rainbow Bridge" I talked to nobody who knew about anything like that.
I felt I didn't believe in anything, anyway. My spirit seemed to have left me.
I stumbled on, with great emptiness for a while.
One night I found myself in a tiny Country church. Like I said, my beliefs had been all dashed, yet I still wandered in there. I asked God to help me -to show me what was happening to my loved ones?
I got stillness, loneliness, and emptiness as an answer. I went home. I cried myself to sleep as usual.
I had a bad dream early morning. In the dream I saw my dog's empty bed, I was calling to him, then panicking because I couldn't find him, running about calling for him.
Then heard my husband's voice (I had started to wake up at this point) My husband was calling to me in a very definite way like he was trying desperately to get through to me before I was gone. He called my name twice -three times, then said "He's HERE...he's here with me...Toby's HERE WITH ME!" He said that like I was deaf or something.
The whole experience was so unexpected, and so clear and really shook me.
A little while after I dreamed Toby was running free in beautiful green fields, playing with other dogs. He saw me, and dashed over greeting me with exuberance, his tail wagging like crazy. I touched his head -it felt so real, then panting and happy, he cast me a quick look back, and was off running and playing again, chasing after a little girl King Charles .......
I am not lying to you to try to make you feel better. Both those dreams took me by surprise, but felt so real and true. I really do feel my prayers that day aone in the Church were answered.
Unfortunately, Grief is the price we pay for Love! Yes, it *****! I too remember the husband not understanding why I cried non-stop....Also remember the physical pain of a broken heart....It was very real! But you know what? I SURVIVED!!! Yippee!!!
However, this all lead me to study and read constantly.....The more I knew, the better prepared I would be for the next time.....I don't like surprises...This in turn lead me to this forum to try to help others.....
It taught me an incredible amount about proper nutrition for our canine companions and the dangers of various products deemed OK to use on our pets....It has changed my whole way of thinking and how I will rear my pets......None of my dogs have died in vain......They live on by teaching me what to do different the next time & how to give another dog a better chance at life by incorporating more knowledge in my decisions....
My house is full of Rescues, now....(All special needs that didn't have a chance in Hell of finding a home for one reason or other).....And a new Foster that I should have named "Nightmare", I kid you not! (That's another story!)
There will NEVER be just ONE! I made that promise to myself after losing the first one (The only one at the time), many years ago....
I continue because of the need for other peoples throw-aways to have another chance at happiness & love.....I will be the first to say that it's worth it.......As these poor little desperate souls start responding to how they should have been treated all along, makes my heart sing!!!
Yes, I miss my guys that have gone on before me. I miss them desperately! They will always be in my heart....The good news is that hearts always have more room & more pleasure awaits.......
Just out of curiosity, I looked up Maltese on Petfinders.com.....There are sadly, 1,262 looking for forever homes...........That is just one breed.....
We can never replace our loved ones, but we can add more Loved ones any time we want...Isn't that wonderful!!!!!
I'm praying for you girls......I have faith that you both will pull through just as I did and make something positive come out of the heartache.....
Hang in there......Remember our dogs love us no matter what...It's nice that it works that way, huh? Talk to you soon....Karla
Twobitsmom, misfits4me, connie,karla,ginger899
All of you are such caring and empathetic people. I can feel everyones pain...and know I'm not alone...or crazy...like my husband would have me believe. I look horrid...from crying everyday...lost a lot of weight...feel like I am just willing myself to die to be with my Ollie. I was crying the other night...and my husband screamed at me that he was sick of me....couldn't take my SH anymore...and was leaving. So be it then. I am not like him. You see...my husband has been abusive to me forever...my Ollie would growl and put himself between us...everytime the yelling started. A tiny dog...trying to protect me. Ollie was ALWAYS beside me...in sickness and in health. To ME....Ollie was more like a husband to me. Sounds crazy maybe....but to me...Ollie was more human, more caring, more loving...than my husband EVER was. He even threatened to hurt my Ollie at times. If I dared to leave....I took Ollie with me. Losing Ollie...especially having to make the decision to let him go.....was the worst thing I have ever gone through. And I have gone through nearly everything imaginable. Life has not been easy. But putting Ollie to death....was horrific. Sometimes I think Ollie was put here just until I was strong enough to do what needed to be done. But right now...my strength is not there. Ollie taught me so much. I loved your story about the dream you had Ginger. If only I could get that kind of sign....I'd be okay I think. I know that there is much more to life than our minds could ever comprehend. There just has to be...otherwise nothing in this world would make ANY sense. Who knows for certain what lies beyond our imagination. It hurts me now though too....because I pray everyday. Or I DID pray. I thanked GOD for my blessings....everyday. I thought my Ollie was going to be okay because I thought GOD was showing me the way. I believed it with all of my heart. But it was not to be. Now...I don't know when GOD is talking to me anymore. I feel angry that HE took Ollie from me. I still cannot believe I can never hold my boy...touch him...feel his kisses. I know life is short. But it seems long when you are waiting for something. Waiting to see my Ollie...or waiting for that sign that he is okay....is really hard. It seems I've always wished my life away. And I'm doing it again. But I know that I'm not crazy. Reading everyones letters shows me that I am no different than anyone that had that kind of love in their lives. Thank you all. Please keep writing. It DOES help....Dayle
Good Morning Dayle....Yesterday you asked me if I still cry....the answer is yes...every day, and every night. Yes...my chest physically hurts from the heartache. Our emotions are a powerful thing. Our feelings are something that come from the soul...they are what we feel inside. The only way to deal with these feelings, are to make them come out. In order to do this, we need to make them physical. Tears are physical...written words are physical...gestures are physical. There are 2 things you can do with your sorrow....you can turn it into anger, or you can turn it into compassion. Let the tears flow...cry because you love Ollie and Miss him....not because you are angry with yourself or God.
Turn your feelings into words...write them on paper or write them here...express them...let them out...read what you have written....as you may see, writing is helping....turn your sorrow into compassion, and try to help someone else by offering kind words, and understanding....and last but not least...here is my theory on the physical heartache....Ollie did his job well....he has taught you how to love...the love is still growing...nothing can stop it....As each day passes he continues to fill your heart with love....that's why our hearts are aching ....when he was here, it was easy to just give all that love right back to him....in the form of hugs...kisses...kind words...belly rubs...etc....but now he is gone....and what will you do with all that love that keeps coming....?....eventually...you will have to find a way to express it....get it out...make it physical. If you do not do something good with all that love...then Ollie has lived his life in vain....Take what Ollie has taught you about love, and pass it on...Find a way, to pay Tribute to him....
There are alot of ways you can turn all that love into something physical....and when you start letting it out...you will start feeling better.
Find a Proxy for Oliver...another dog who Needs all those hugs and kisses...not a dog to replace him, because we all know that is impossible....but just a dog who is willing to put up with all that hugging and kissing and loving...compliments of Oliver...! You don't have to get another dog right away...there are plenty of them at the shelters, who would be happy to stand there while you give them all those hugs and kisses from Oliver..! Or maybe you know someone else who has a dog, that you could slather with love...again compliments of Ollie...! Even something as simple as dropping off some treats at the shelter, or volunteering to walk the dogs...or making a donation to help other animal...or writing a poem....or trying to helps others who are going through the same thing as we are.....Anyway..you get the point...Find a way to turn all that love into something physical...something good...and make Oliver Proud...! Show him what a good teacher he is.....!
Let me know how you do it.....Connie
Thanks for asking....It's been kind of a lousy day...Two Bits is heavy on my mind...she would have been 15 today....I am ready to have a good cry over everything....I know if I do, I will be able to handle things a little better for a few days....I did try to keep myself busy today, so that helps...but tonight when I try to go to sleep, I know it will be too quiet and my mind will race. For almost 15 years I use to listen to Two Bits gently snoring...it was so relaxing and always helped me fall asleep....There will be tears on my pillow tonight.....Thanks for your support...Connie
Hi again...It snowed here last night. Something Oliver and I shared with so much joy. Our first snow! We both love the snow...and I'd get Ollie's coat and he just loved getting on his coat and I'd take him and show him the snow. He always had a big smile on his face because he knew how happy mommy was. But now...I didn't even care. There was no beauty in it....because Ollie isn't here with me. Everywhere I look, everything it seems...just reminds me that Ollie is gone. I try going out shopping...to get my mind off of it all....but instead I break down in the middle of the store and have to leave because I'm crying. After church last Sunday...I was alone on a quiet road and just screamed as hard as I could in my car....To GOD...WHY? WHY did you take Ollie from me? I just screamed until my throat was sore. I read everyones letters here....and my heart just breaks for all of you because I can feel your pain. I can tell all of you are wonderful caring loving people....and I think to myself...the people in this world who seem not to care about anyones feelings....they seem better off in a way....because they don't feel the pain that we are feeling. I can't even watch the news because when I hear the terrible things that happen....I cry for the victims and their families. Sometimes I so much do not want to be part of this world any longer. But then I find that there are still caring and wonderful people around me. When I read your letters I feel the love in your words...for your little pets...and for others who hurt. I've thought to myself too.....would I have preferred never to have had Oliver's love and to have never known him....than to feel this terrible pain? His love truly was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my lifetime. Without him....I seriously doubt that I could have kept going when I was so ill years ago. He gave me the will to live. I was giving up back then. I was so ready to meet my maker. But I knew Oliver needed me too....and I tried to get better just for him. I worried about what he would do without me. Now...I am in that situation. I am doing exactly what I worried Oliver would do without me. Dying of a broken heart....not eating, crying, sick all the time. I did not want that for Oliver....and I know he wouldn't want that for me. If he were here....he would be kissing my tears away, saying please mommy don't be sad. I just wish that I was not the one who had to make the decision to let Oliver go. I tried so hard to save him....but inside I keep thinking...if only I waited just a little longer...would he have turned around? I watched him for 10 days without eating...and force feeding him...and it was terrible. When I was told I should let him go...I thought to myself...I was being selfish....making him suffer so I could keep him next to me. But I wish Oliver could have told me what he wanted. I think to myself...he was trying to hold on...did I have the right to play GOD? I honestly don't think I will ever get that out of my mind. Those last minutes keep playing over in my mind. Ollie started kissing my face....was he thinking...finally he was going to get help? And I let the vet put that needle in him and end his life. That is destroying me. For 7 weeks my mind has been playing those re-runs over and over again. I can't make it stop. I keep thinking....I am 7 weeks closer to seeing my boy again. I just want my life to end. I honestly do. I just wish I wouldn't wake up anymore. If this is how it is going to be forever....I just want it over. Losing Ollie has made me so afraid of life. I'm so scared of what is next to come. My heart is hurting so bad that I think I'm having a heart attack....yet I don't care. This is horrible....dealing with life without knowing for certain what lies beyond our lives here. It is the biggest mystery of life. YES...I do believe there is more....but as we have no proof of it....as humans...we still have our doubts. Our minds cannot fathom anything but life on earth. I've even thought of trying to find a pet psychic....to see if Ollie might somehow talk to me. I believe there are people who can see things that others can't. A sixth sense...if you will. I know we have all had experiences where we knew or felt things beforehand. I know I have done that myself too many times. Enough to scare me sometimes. So..I'm sure there are those that can do it. I want to hear Ollie tell me he is okay. I want him to tell me I did the right thing. These are just some of the things that go through my mind. TwobitsMom....Ollie's birthday came along 2 days after he became seriously ill. Every year I bought him his own big steak....and cooked it special for him. He had steak a lot...but on his birthday ....I made a big deal about it. I was going to go find him a gift....but he became so sick. He didn't get his steak....this year. Even that is breaking my heart. I watched him so sick on his birthday this year. I wished I had known...because I'd have done so many things differently. I would have taken him out a lot more....given him anything he wanted while he could eat. I used to take away the cat's food so Ollie couldn't eat it. I would have let him have it. I would have given Ollie more attention when I came in the door and he had waited for me. So many times he greeted me after waiting for me...and I reached down...said hello...gave him a few pets...and went about my business. I would have given him much more of my time when he wanted it....not when I was ready. He was always there for me. But I know Ollie knew I loved him. But when things are going good....we take it for granted. I wish I hadn't done that....but it is too late now for Ollie. I'll be back....hope you are all feeling a little better....and that there is some peace in your hearts today.....Dayle
Dayle....once again...you have expressed my sentiments exactly. Thanks for sharing them and putting them in words for me. What a struggle we have ahead of us.....the hardest part is not knowing if you made the right choice for them at the right time.....and we know, that is a question that will never be answered for us....at least, not in this lifetime. I know that no matter how our dogs leave this world...natural death or assited....the TIMING IS NEVER RIGHT. We always wish they could have stayed with us longer...we always wish we would have spent more time with them...and we always wish we that we might have done something differently.
I hate the reruns of the final hours....I have them with Two Bits...and I have them with Chainsaw ( my boxer ).....I know people say Time will ease the pain...I know that for me, the pain is never less, but it will come less often, and eventually only when we allow it to happen and CHOOSE to feel it.
I still have 3 dogs, I call them my support group....when I give them hugs and kisses..I give them extra ones and.I tell them...."This one is for Two Bits..(or Chainsaw or Peaches or Mr.Bobinski..etc ) and This one is for you." I love it that they are so willing to get the extra hugs and be a proxy for all my other dogs who are gone.
Dogs are such wonderful teachers and healers....They are worth the heartache in the end.
I know that even though I ended my dogs lives....wheather the timing was right or not.....I did it because I did not want them to suffer.....so...I am suffering for them...and that is OK with me....grieving is suffering.....and I love them so much that I am willing to do that for them....for as long as God decides that I should.....That's how much we love our dogs...!
P.S.....I do not watch the news either...and I do not read the paper.
dear Connie...you are so right. In thinking about everything you said...no matter how old Ollie was...no matter when the time came...it wouldn't have been right. Thinking...if Ollie were older...if GOD had just taken him...I'd still have beat myself up over it. I'd have thought I waited too long...made him suffer. If he were 2 or 3 years older...I'd have wanted longer. Your words are so absolutely true. I'm going to try to think of that when the tears start. I just got back...took a ride to an estate sale...to take my mind off of it all....but all the while I'm just looking for "that sign" from my boy...or from Our Heavenly Father. I found no sign....got back in my car....and cried all the way back home. Came on here....read your letter...and thought to myself....Connie is right. We know that more than likely our babies will go before we do. And no matter how, why, or when....it just would not make it any easier to deal with. And yes....watching my baby the way he was...restless, tired, not able to even eat....was unbearable. To me...he was suffering....and I couldn't deal with seeing it anymore. As to exactly what was wrong with Ollie....I may never know. But whatever it was...it was terrible to see. I'm going to try hard to think of your words Connie....because they are so true. We are doing the suffering now. When we made that decision to end their pain....we knew ours would begin. I just pray that somehow we can get through it somehow. Dayle
Dayle....all the suffering we do is worth it, if it means they don't have to.
That is the way I truly feel....and as far as your sign goes...that you are so desperately waiting for....you will get it. You will....but you will get it when you are least expecting it, and you will know without a doubt...that is was meant for you. God will send it to you when he knows you will recognize it.
In the mean time....find a dog to hug....even if it does not belong to you....
Catch you later...Connie
Dear Connie..Bless you for your kindness. Getting through the holidays will be especially hard for us. Last year..everything was perfect. My parents came for Thanksgiving...I hadn't seen them in over 3 years...I had my Ollie....and I was so happy. I had taken some pictures...one of my Ollie...when I took it...I started to cry. My mom remembers because I had said...Oh my GOD...Ollie looks like an angel. I posted it on here. Did you see it? I remember looking at it and thinking that I wasn't going to have him long. Why I thought that I don't know...because Ollie was fine then. The picture just looked so ethereal. I used to paint....not animals....but landscapes.....but I am going to try to paint that picture. I really do believe that Ollie was an angel...sent to me...to get me through life when I couldn't go on alone. I think that now....I need to try to do what Ollie was trying to show me....and be strong and do what is best for me. Ollie could only do so much for me...the rest I need to do for myself. I hope you are feeling better yourself Connie. You have helped me to think straight. Yes...I know I'm going to cry again today....carry Ollie's urn around with me...but I'm going to try to keep thinking about what you said. Talk to you soon...Dayle
You have a picture of Ollie that looks like an angel.....You truly believe he was one....and now,You are wondering if he is OK...?
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say....Yes...! He is OK...!
There are certain moments in our lives that are defined....Little moments that at the time, seem insignificant to others, but, for some reason, unknown to us....we remember these moments....The day you took that picture of Oliver, was one of those moments for you...for some reason, it became defined...so you could recall it. Maybe....just maybe....this is the reason....that day you took the photo, you truly felt he was an angel.....Do you look at the photo today, and think any differently....? I'm pretty sure you don't.....In fact, I'm pretty sure that you are POSITIVE...HE WAS, AND STILL IS....AN ANGEL...!!!! I think maybe you got 1 of your "signs" 3 years ago...Look at that picture...! Look at those eyes...!
Wow....that is wonderful....and now you are going to pay tribute to him by painting his picture.....that will be theraputic....and you might even get a couple of good laughs at your first few attempts...!
Dayle...you said you prayed that we would get through this.....we will....If you want to get through something, you just need to keep moving forward....one careful step at a time...no need to rush.
You will recognize your Sign....it will be one of those defining moments...and you will know it immediately.....I missed mine, when god first sent it,... but....he had my son deliver it to me.....and I knew in a moment..it was meant for me...So don't worry...if God sent you your sign, and you missed it.....He will be sure you get it somehow...even if he has to send a messenger...!
I will tell you the story about my "sign"....when I can figure out how to explain it , so it makes sense.
Let me know how things are going....I will be looking forward to hearing from you!
OOPsssss! I just re-read...your post....The pic you took was Last Year...and you hadn't seen your parents in 3 ......but ....that was my little screw up, and Does not change anything else about my letter....!!!!
Have a good day....Connie
I am reading these because I just lost my dog (11/20/2012). He was only 6 and was rescued 4 years ago. All I know is that he went peacefully in my arms. I am struggling with the fact that I fix things but I could not fix him. Rest in Peace KING. I miss you so much
Thank You, Our dog KING was six and rescued 4 years ago. I was expecting today 11/21/2012 to be his best day instead he died in my arms at 2:50 am 11/20 it all happend to quickly. Your post was very comforting.
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