Concerned Mom of obese adult daughter

I am a Mom of an obese adult daughter (27 yrs old). She has been grossly overweight for the last 5 years (started after she began and quit a marathon for breast cancer). She has a good job, a boyfriend who is very good for her, a house that they bought together, pets, cars and she maintains that she is very happy. During a recent visit, my husband and I noticed that she has continued to put on more weight -- her skin was pale and her hair was greasy and she walked around clutching a giant pillow and curled up on the couch after work covered in a blanket -- on the computer. We had a pleasant visit and I called her a few days later and asked her if I could bring up a personal issue. She said, "Sure Mom". (We were in a "good relationship" period). I said, verbatim, "I'm concerned about your health and weight". She was furious and hung up on me. I didn't tell her how to live her life...just expressed my concern.

She is still furious and hurt and has lashed out at me. I need some feedback from others -- did I interfere in something that is not my business as she has claimed. (I apologized for getting in her business and hurting her). Or is it OK to express a health concern to a grown child? I do not consider myself an interfering mom -- quite the opposite--I am proud of her in so many ways and let her know this many times when she calls with a new job...new accomplishment...or just to say hello. I have been supportive through many hard times and I can't decide if I'm horrified at myself or a little angry at my daughter who has lashed out at me and told me basically that I have done this sort of thing all her life and "if and when" she forgives me...she's never going to feel comfortable around our family again. And she ended one email with the statement..."I guess you were depressed the whole time you were here so I guess I can't do anything right."

I will add that my mother has an eating disorder and I do too although I have worked hard to be a "normal" person with food and health. I have struggled with cycling between getting slim and in shape and getting chubby and inert. I imaging this is part of the problem.

Help! This is causing me to lose sleep and I'm pretty depressed at the state of things.
Thanks to anyone who has any advice. I'm always willing to grow into a better person.

[Zoelula]

Hi DACD

First I want to say I really appreciate your concern for your daughter AND your willingness to look at your own approach. You did nothing wrong, and were only trying to help.

That having been said, unfortunately your daughter is clearly not open to your help at this time. This is obviously a very touchy subject for her. She is going through whatever she is going through with weight and food and she might be experiencing other emotional symptoms such as depression as well. Unfortunately, you may be the last person she will turn to for help, because you are her mother and mothers and daughters have difficult relationships. Eating disorders are often about control and so she will probably react strongly to anything she sees as an effort to control her.

What can you do? Right now, maybe nothing. If she is willing, continue your pleasant relationship as if nothing happened. If she brings it up again you might want to just gently say you were just concerned, didn't mean to overstep, and that you are there for her, perhaps that if she doesn't feel comfortable talking with you but talks with someone else that is ok too. She has all the cards now.

[DACD]

Thank you so much for your response -- I really appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. You are very astute to understand a situation from a description and I thank you for your advice. You have made me feel better and it is very comforting to reach out to a third party (other than family) who can see the issue in a rational way. You are a very kind person and I wish you well.   DACD

[shlee1016]

I just wanted to let you know I have read your post. I really don't have a whole lot else to add because the advice you have been given pretty much covers what I think about your situation as well. I do not think you overstepped your boundaries by expressing your concern. Even though her reaction was what it was and she may have felt hurt, she probably appreciated it a little bit somewhere deep down inside, whether she knows it or not. I think she needed to know that somebody cares about what she's going through and she does. On the surface though, even in her own head, she is probably defensive and nervous about the whole situation. That is why she reacted the way she did. And like Zoelula said, you might not be the one she comes to for help. It has to be hard and I'm sorry about your situation. Let us know how you're doing.

Ashley