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Concerned Mom of obese adult daughter

I am a Mom of an obese adult daughter (27 yrs old). She has been grossly overweight for the last 5 years (started after she began and quit a marathon for breast cancer). She has a good job, a boyfriend who is very good for her, a house that they bought together, pets, cars and she maintains that she is very happy. During a recent visit, my husband and I noticed that she has continued to put on more weight -- her skin was pale and her hair was greasy and she walked around clutching a giant pillow and curled up on the couch after work covered in a blanket -- on the computer. We had a pleasant visit and I called her a few days later and asked her if I could bring up a personal issue. She said, "Sure Mom". (We were in a "good relationship" period). I said, verbatim, "I'm concerned about your health and weight". She was furious and hung up on me. I didn't tell her how to live her life...just expressed my concern.

She is still furious and hurt and has lashed out at me. I need some feedback from others -- did I interfere in something that is not my business as she has claimed. (I apologized for getting in her business and hurting her). Or is it OK to express a health concern to a grown child? I do not consider myself an interfering mom -- quite the opposite--I am proud of her in so many ways and let her know this many times when she calls with a new job...new accomplishment...or just to say hello. I have been supportive through many hard times and I can't decide if I'm horrified at myself or a little angry at my daughter who has lashed out at me and told me basically that I have done this sort of thing all her life and "if and when" she forgives me...she's never going to feel comfortable around our family again. And she ended one email with the statement..."I guess you were depressed the whole time you were here so I guess I can't do anything right."

I will add that my mother has an eating disorder and I do too although I have worked hard to be a "normal" person with food and health. I have struggled with cycling between getting slim and in shape and getting chubby and inert. I imaging this is part of the problem.

Help! This is causing me to lose sleep and I'm pretty depressed at the state of things.
Thanks to anyone who has any advice. I'm always willing to grow into a better person.
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Avatar universal
I just went through the same thing last night with my daughter.  I can only go so long being encouraging and supportive and then I just snap and say something about her weight, and I get yelled at.  So, I just have to leave the room.  I know it is all up to her and I try to be supportive, but it is just so difficult to watch.  I feel your pain and everyone else's on the thread.
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I am in your shoes with an adult obese daughter whom family attempted to fix at a party by letting her know that bariatric surgery was a good option for her. I find talking about her weight or anyone’s weight with her is counterproductive, however, being supportive as far as enjoying her company and noting her strengths and having faith that she has the ability to solve her own problems is scary but best. Any attempt to overstep that and I’m enabling her. I aim to work on my own issues with food or weight without rooting my own horn and pray for her.  Nothing my parents said or  did helped me with my weight issues until I found what worked for me.  It took me many years of trial and error and many during her growing up years.  My husband had weight issues but he made peace with his limitations before we met. I pray for her every day to find her way and trust that she will find what works for her. I am part of a group called OAanon that helps those who live or are close to disordered eaters in relationships so I can get support for myself.
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I am happy to find this conversation.  My 24 year old daughter has gained 60 pounds in the last 2 years and I have such concerns for her but don't know what to do to help.  We have a good relationship and I love her personality, wit, intelligence, etc.  About a year ago I told her I was concerned about her health and happiness and that she might want to connect with a support group like I did 30 years ago when I quit drinking.  She got teary and defensive.  I know she tries to diet and it always fails because she just keeps eating sweets and fast food as if she can't control it.  I keep thinking I should do something to help since I'm her mother, but reading the responses to DACD has convinced me to just continue to be here for her and support her with love and acceptance.  I think anything else I do will be counter-productive.  This is something she has to do herself and it's going to require her to develop some skills she's lacking right now - like self-control, long-term discipline, and delayed gratification.  Thanks Everybody!
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That is a hard situation.  One thing that I wonder about is that often, a fast and significant weight gain is entirely emotional.  Adult women who were sexually abused as children will often put on weight as a true physical barrier, entirely unaware that they are doing it.  Same if they are in a difficult relationship now.  Anything psychological or any trauma in your daughter's life that a counselor might be able to help with?
None in the home growing up.  She has a very good, involved father and grew up in a safe environment.  However, you are correct about the emotional aspect of this.  She always tended to be a little chunky but nothing alarming.  Then she had her first serious boyfriend when she was 21 and he was unfaithful, disrespectful, etc.  It really hurt her when she ended it. She didn't put up with him for very long and I was proud of her for standing up and telling him to take a hike, but her weight gain began as soon as that relationship ended.  I recommended she talk to someone and eventually she did.  She saw a counselor a few times last year, but I haven't seen any change.  She also went to a medical doctor about 6 months ago and got on a weight program where they focus on nutrition, monitor weekly, have special food to buy, and give you vitamins and diet pills.  She lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks and nothing since as she hasn't followed the dietary limitations.  Thank you for your insights - I think you are correct and I need to keep that in mind.  It's not just lack of discipline and self-control - it's emotional.
My sister is obese. My mother is athletic and trim. I'm in the middle, in regards to weight and pretty much everything else.

My mom thinks she's helping when she says that she's concerned, or shares links on weight loss, etc. My sister sees every single one as digs about her weight.

The thing is that my sister knows she's obese. Unless they are delusional, I'd guess all overweight people know they are overweight. It's like the oh so helpful people pointing out that you have a pimple - yeah, you know already, thanks.

You joined a support group to quit drinking. I'm guessing people had mentioned your problem drinking prior to you going, but you didn't quit until the very day you were ready. I smoked for years. EVERYONE - people who loved me and complete strangers - said things to me about it, but I didn't quit until the very day I was ready.

My sister has tried the medical diets your daughter has. She has all the reasons why things don't work, but all it means is that she isn't ready.

Your daughter's weight could be a barrier to men - her first boyfriend hurt her badly, maybe in ways you don't know about or realize - so she gained weight so men won't be attracted to her (in her mind). Maybe she has an issue with food like you did with drinking.

My advice would just be to remind her that you love her unconditionally, and you think she's beautiful as is, which I'm sure is true. If she brings it up, then you can talk about it, letting her lead the discussion. I'm sure her doctor mentions it, she sees things about weight on TV, in magazines, feels it when she's shopping for clothes, etc. You can just be her soft landing spot, her safe haven from all that. :)

That is exactly what I needed to hear.  And it is exactly what I will do.  Thanks so much.
How are things going GLCMom?  How is your daughter?
Avatar universal
First I want to thank every one for this blog.  I appreciate the opportunity to read about a struggle many of us have. I also have a 22 year old son who has struggled with his weight since he was 5.  Food was something he just couldn't seem to control and craves the most unhealthy carbs.  My husband and I cook regular food...you know the kind you find in the garden and ordinary meats.  But it didn't seem to make any difference.  As soon as he became old enough to drive, he was eating at all the fast food places.  Anyway, it breaks my heart and I know he is cheated out of wonderful experiences because of his weight.  I am very careful not to criticise as  it takes me no where.  He is super sensitive and knows he is fat.  I am normal weight and eat healthy and have tried to lead by example, I exercise too.  However, I know at a point in my own life when I was younger I had a food addiction.  I honestly can't tell you how I got past it, but I think it was just persistence as I just couldn't stand being over weight.  not even 15 pounds.  Anyway, I guess I just pray that a light bulb will come on and he will want to change his lifestyle.  He is a handsome, bright ...a good person.  I just want the best for him.  
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My son is 27 and very very overweight. He knows and says he is trying to get fitter but he just seems to put more weight on each time we see him.when he lived at home he played football 5 times a week..but a  injury and subsequent knee operation have put paid to this. It breaks my heart and i know how you feel. I feel he is missing out on a lot and i worry about his health and the future...it is very hard to watch and feel powerless.
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obesity is very complex and not just about food. its also about having HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND BEING HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE AND CHOICES
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I think the best thing to do is be as active as you can and enjoy life. Alot of times people with disabilities tend not to be included or participate in sports due to competition. I think everybody needs to have a sport they love. And do it at least 4 hours a week.
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I have a similar problem and feel helpless.  I have expressed my deep concern regarding his health to my obese son and his obese wife on separate occasions.  All I hear is I know, I know.  Every time I see him, he is even bigger.  I can't sleep at night and don't know what to do.  He is a walking time bomb.  It is so difficult to see him this way.
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How did you deal with problems as a young adult? He and his wife have
To learn for themselves.  My adult daughter is obese and I worry for her health and opportunities that will pass her by. My  brother in law is a bariatric salesman and suggested that to her at a party after her graduation trip when he was drunk. She left in tears. I can say nothing to her about the weight issue. She has seen me work a 12 step program most of my life and not always perfectly. I have seen many bariatric patients come to 12 step programs for the weight that they keep
Putting back on. She feels she will always be this way. I Say I don’t think she’s explored other  options that are available to her but her father encourages her that he’s been where she’s at, and he is a normal weight person today not having to do what I do, but learned what works for him.  Prayers work when our own power is not needed or wanted.
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My son is 34 lost his job can't drive and has moved back home. I want to help but he's very touchy about it. He has health problems because of his weight. He's eating better now here with me but his pre existing issues are so hard to deal with. I need help!
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1 Comments
Prayers first. I have a beautiful daughter who put on large amounts of weight in college and at 25 hasn’t lost it and feels she will just be this way the rest of her life. Since that statement she has put on mor weight. I have worked a 12 step program to manage my weight and life. Her dad was overweight as a teen & young adult and took it off before I met him and continues to this day to keep it off. We met long distance bike riding.  We both still ride today after 30 years of marriage. I have underlying health issues and see a functional doctor to help balance my health points. They intelligently look at root causes and do not use  pharmaceuticals or short term fixit surgeries  at a problem.  My parents couldn’t fix me, but they did pray for me (they also tried shame and that was a no go).  I let my daughter know of things I’m reading and trying to have peace around my body and genes. The one book that gives many hope is Dirty Genes about how to clean them up. Aka we are not at their mercy, but they do respond to being treated right and with respect. Prayers for breakthrough with your son.
Avatar universal
I too have same problem, My son has been obese   for many years, and with several weight related health problem, loss of employment, angry wife, angry in-laws and etc..
I have talk with him and encourage him to know that I do not want to loose him. At this moment he is sick and unable to work. I am afraid that I will loose him.
He will try to eat right but he health is so poor, he does not get a chance to work on his weight due to not feeling well.
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Avatar universal
I too need help with this situation.  My daughter is 26, just got engaged and planning a wedding for spring 2013.  She claims to be dieting but we go out to eat & she still makes the absolutely worst choices. I can't think of anything I Could say I have not said 2 or 3 times already.  Should I just shut up?  I am not just worried about nice wedding photos.  I am worried about her health.  She is always sick with something or another...plus I know she is not happy with herself. ???!!
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2 Comments
I am going through the exact same thing!  My 27 year old daughter is very heavy, bordering obesity.  I've had many many conversations, I'm paying 400. a month for a trainer and she's not lost but I think has gained.  I'm so frustrated and upset about her health and life.  How people will treat her.  What it is doing to her body.  Everyone in our family is health conscious, she is the only one who has done this to herself.  I'm not just upset, I'm really angry.  I try so hard to hold my tongue .  I am just sick about it and don't know what to do.  I feel when we talk about it, she just shuts down.  I know she will never do anything until she feels it in her own skin.  She was such a beautiful child and teenager and had it all going for her.  She went to college and it all went out the window with her weight.  I hate this and I hate that I feel like a terrible person when I talk to her.  I feel like these psychiatrists say confusing things.  It's considered child abuse when a child is fat but it's taboo to talk about weight with your daughter.  Make up your freaking mind!!!  Which is it???????  
I feel your pain. Our daughter is almost 21. During covid she attended online community college. To get herself out of the house, she got a part time job at a coffee shop. With a drivers license and a pay check she went crazy on the nearby restaurants and is now obese. She was always a heavier girl but not obese. As she grew up, I often reminded her of healthy eating and exercise. Apparently it only made her feel not accepted by us her parents. Now we are in family therapy. And I feel similar to you.  Angry and confused. We bought her a swim membership which she only used it a handful of times.  Our counselor encourages us to be honest and speak our minds, at the same time I have to be silent about her weight gain. This only frustrates me and helpless. I'm embarrassed of her appearance and have turned down social engagements. I feel terrible feeling this way. We love her so much. I'm trying hard to focus on what a wonderful daughter she is and less on her weight. We just worry for her health and social options. In our counseling she has admitted her overeating is due to stress and that when she moves away to physical college, she "finds" herself. Our worry is she'll gain even more weight. We have to trust our children. As much as it  out of our control, we have to trust they will do the best for themselves. And if they choose to continue this path, PRAY for strength we can endure it and love them.
Avatar universal
Going thru the same thing w/ 26 yr old daughter.  She hasn't spoken to me in a month since I brought up her weight issue but relayed a message thru my sister that she wasn't mad, just dealing with some issues.  I know her and anger is her first response.  She blames me , the world, whatever, then she gets over the denial and does something positive.  When she was in the 7th grade I told her she had to start doing her own laundry.  She pitched a fit!!  Cried, saying her clothes would be ruined and that I was a mean mom!  She got over that.   Like I said, I know her.  We went thru her break up with her first "true love".  She got over that but it was a lot of work.  I'm giving her time and her space (we live 2000 miles apart).  She lives with her boyfriend in a house they bought together, they have great jobs.  But her boyfriend's family tends to be overweight and she started eating more the way they eat plus she has an office job, blah...She'll get it together.  And I'm sure when we finally talk, she'll tell me that she lost 20 lbs already!  It's hard for me to barge into her life but she's a smart kid and she'll figure it all out!
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I just wanted to let you know I have read your post. I really don't have a whole lot else to add because the advice you have been given pretty much covers what I think about your situation as well. I do not think you overstepped your boundaries by expressing your concern. Even though her reaction was what it was and she may have felt hurt, she probably appreciated it a little bit somewhere deep down inside, whether she knows it or not. I think she needed to know that somebody cares about what she's going through and she does. On the surface though, even in her own head, she is probably defensive and nervous about the whole situation. That is why she reacted the way she did. And like Zoelula said, you might not be the one she comes to for help. It has to be hard and I'm sorry about your situation. Let us know how you're doing.

Ashley
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your response -- I really appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. You are very astute to understand a situation from a description and I thank you for your advice. You have made me feel better and it is very comforting to reach out to a third party (other than family) who can see the issue in a rational way. You are a very kind person and I wish you well.   DACD
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Avatar universal
Hi DACD

First I want to say I really appreciate your concern for your daughter AND your willingness to look at your own approach. You did nothing wrong, and were only trying to help.

That having been said, unfortunately your daughter is clearly not open to your help at this time. This is obviously a very touchy subject for her. She is going through whatever she is going through with weight and food and she might be experiencing other emotional symptoms such as depression as well. Unfortunately, you may be the last person she will turn to for help, because you are her mother and mothers and daughters have difficult relationships. Eating disorders are often about control and so she will probably react strongly to anything she sees as an effort to control her.

What can you do? Right now, maybe nothing. If she is willing, continue your pleasant relationship as if nothing happened. If she brings it up again you might want to just gently say you were just concerned, didn't mean to overstep, and that you are there for her, perhaps that if she doesn't feel comfortable talking with you but talks with someone else that is ok too. She has all the cards now.
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