I'm not sure what an appropriate subject heading would be.
I am getting really angry and upset with myself because I am not able to apply basic skills to my life and my eating habits.
I am seriously concerned about my health.
I find it frustrating when interventions don't work. Especially interventions that others are able to apply and get results from. Not being able to follow through or stop sabotaging myself is really, really frustrating. It's frustrating, upsetting and distressing being this damn dysfunctional. It makes being so stuck understandable (which is why exactly?) but it doesn't help my situation (much).
I don't have, or don't feel I have, the skills to change this.
All this lifetime of negativity is coming crashing down on me. I should have done this, I should have done that. I wish I had of or had not of done this or that. I can't even live my life today because all this stuff is affecting and impacting on it. Stuff I am way too scared to even talk about and other stuff I am much too ashamed to even acknowledge.
My GP says he thinks he knows how this disorder affects me and my life. He says he's seen me at my best and worst. In all honesty I don't think he, or anybody else, has any idea how much it affects me.
I think this could be about a lot of things. Stress from: my T leaving, surgery, treatment, lack of therapy, lack of personal space, the upheaval at home, the farm, finances, relationships, lack of structure. The list goes on and on. The weather, my weight, ... And this is only from the past 10 months.
I know I am extremely stressed and feel exhausted most of the time. Yesterday I had enough and told my father to sort the farm out (I'm tired of spending my time and energy doing stuff unnecessarily -which seems like all the time lately (in the cold, wet and wind -followed up by an even colder shower). That sounds very borderline and I would have gone back out to help but my brother made comments that made me feel very angry.
You seem to be making great progress in your own way. Let me just sharpen your last insight. You experience powerlessness and frustration. Instead of dealing with that directly you assign magical properties to some other person like a therapist to protect you and take care of you and fix you. You don't let them do that and make them powerless which then gives you some sense of power. You can make progress only after you have stepped out of that framework and give up your hope for Magic. When you change your eating behavior you are taking the first step out of that framework.
I guess it is the not getting it bit that really irks. It was convenient that I had a GP appointment too. Although that was pretty much a waste as we got side-tracked by the mh issues. I don't think he understands just how bad things are for me at the moment. And I was trying to tell him.
The safety stuff has been there again and I just want to give in to it. It's hard fighting so many battles. Battles which I tend to own as my own due to my past.
I don't know what the question is. Probably please help, I'm desperate.
Constructively though, perhaps insights into how I can get interventions to work. At least enough for me to get my foot in the door. Enough for me to stop or at least slow this self-destruction.
I'm thinking ahead to other stuff. Alcohol. Sorry the rest is going to remain private.
I don't even understand why my T wouldn't explore stuff with me. He didn't want new material in session because he was going to be away this week, he doesn't want to trigger me and to at least keep our sessions neutral (vs harmful). He said our sessions were counter-indicated right from the beginning. So what's he doing?
Why do health professionals shy away from difficult and sensitive topics which need addressing?
Perhaps I should have deleted this?? It's more info. though. Maybe too much.
This is a power struggle too. You can't save me either.
Funny how abandonment keeps recycling itself.
Am I learning through these conversations or are they just making me more miserable? There must come a time when I have enough answers or run out of questions. ??
Abandonment is an issue because ... it makes me feel powerless?? Can leave me feeling insecure. Perhaps it is because I keep abandoning and giving up on myself? How do I learn to not do that? Especially when I hate myself so much. Or do I? ??
I was just wondering why these issues didn't surface (at least to the degree they have elsewhere) in therapy. It's possible they didn't because I felt contained. ??
The power and control issues are interesting. I don't understand why they are playing out here. Except maybe that I am looking for that ultimate caregiver. I guess that could be considered a trust issue where I trust others more than I trust myself. Or perhaps more specifically, an identity issue.
What am I doing? I feel vulnerable therefore enlist others help (consciously, subconsciously, via projections) then I ?? feel guilty, powerless, hopeless, etc and I ... I don't understand the role of self-harm or self-destruction (through over-eating, etc). I'm trying to destroy the weak or bad object??
I just saw a theme. Once I get people's attention. Once they understand a small part do I think that by handing over control they can make things better??
I was talking about safety. I was just thinking about the power struggle and the saving stuff. When I've been unwell I've asked for support and that has come in varying degrees.
Last time I'd had contact with my GP and T several times, then gave up. I took a large quantity of moclobemide tablets and alcohol, etc. My GP returned an earlier phone call and I passed out while talking to him.
After discharge from the psych ward I took all the discharge meds (prozac, cipramil, risperidone, etc). That was the day after I spoke to the cmhn. I withdrew while listening to him. The next day I called him to say ... he'd said that if I needed help to phone. He told me not to take any more meds. I promptly went and took the rest.
Is that me hurting myself because I am angry with them? The psych nurse kept telling me that by law I had to do this or do that (see him, take meds, etc). My GP was deferring to the T (who was pretty egotistical and unhelpful -and inexperienced).
I was just trying to understand so that I don't make the same mistake with you and draw you into the battle. Am I angry with you because you (or anybody else) can't make me better?? Why am I so angry with myself?? It's hard when you want to hurt your emotional soul but not your physical body. (That's more an agitated feeling . That's hard to explain. Maybe a bit like someone triggering you and you can't respond and have no recourse).
It still doesn't make much sense to me. I guess it wasn't addressed because I hide this sort of material. I guess we worked on much shallower/ superficial issues.
With the food, I'm going to try and create structure around my lunch and dinner and try not to sabotage that by eating other misc. stuff. Hopefully that will help me break this cycle.
Could you please delete my question and posts (unless of course you would like to comment on it/ them).
I'm sorry if you have read down to here. I think I have perhaps posted too much and fear I have/ or are violating boundaries.
Excruciating slow progress. I keep questioning whether I have made any progress in the past year. I sense I have even if my life is still not working as I would like it to be. I am extremely grateful for your help and expertize. Without it I would be floundering a lot more than I already am. Thank you!!
I have seen those dyads, and others, before.
Do I hope for magic, or the impossible? Perhaps. Alright, maybe. I think I may have unrealistic expectations. I think I have struggled to accept that me and my life can't be perfect. I think having that fantasy expunged took a deep emotional toll. Now, I think I just get frustrated that everything seems so easy for so many people. Intellectually I understand it is where and how we focus our energy and other resources. Investing energy, etc into activities where you constantly come up with deficits doesn't really seem all that smart. So I need to take a step back? That is something my GP has often suggest I do. I have usually been so caught up in the situation, crisis, emotion that I haven't had much success at that.
I definitely experience frustration (which is almost a physical thing (sensation) for me. A little irritability mixed with a lot of stress and tension).
I don't think I experience powerlessness in the direct sense. Occasionally yes but for the most part no. I think I experience this more as a sense of hopelessness and helplessness (which equals powerlessness). Powerlessness is what I felt when I was threatened with ect or what I feel moments before an accident or when I have concerns for family, friends or animals.
I think your observations are correct and I acknowledge that is something I have done and do do. I think that sense of power (?control) when others feel helpless is sadistic. So that is probably me splitting off all the negative 'bad' qualities. I find it confusing because more than anything I want that support. Perhaps the support is symbolic or associated with my defectiveness. Therefore accessing support is painful and hurtful.
Another important issue here, I feel, is that of trust. I don't like letting people close because I don't trust them and I don't trust me (myself).
It's easy to see how the pathology (life symptoms) reinforce themselves.
So I need to manage (and understand) my emotions.
It just dawned on me the other day that my fatigue is affecting my eating.
I wake up, feed the stock, etc then come back feeling exhausted and feel fragmented by the lack of structure, etc and so make poor food choices for lunch which leaves me feeling uncontained and perpetuates the binge cycle.
I've only just acknowledged that it's OK for me to feel tired. I've fed out (by hand) over 40 tonnes of stock feed in the past 12 weeks (in the wind and rain and cold) plus done other heavy work and helped with the house, etc. Plus with the emotional stress, which is exhausting in itself, I think I am probably doing OK. My meals aren't fantastic and I'm not exercising but I can at least work on this now. Maybe exercising first thing in the morning would help. My GP suggested I get up 30 minutes earlier. I told him I wasn't keen to get up at 4 am. I haven't been sleeping well again and the last thing I want to be doing at the moment is having 2 hours sleep.
Maybe what I should be doing is not posting here and using that time in other ways. My brother said I'm addicted to the internet. I think its just become about my only coping mechanism.
The house is progressing slowly and my brother is leaving NZ to move to Oz to find work. Apparently there are lots of architecture jobs going over there. My other brother is coming back home at Xmas time so that is exciting. My ex-T is getting married this weekend. We've got some baby calves which is also very exciting.
Some of what I wrote was also affected by my relationship/ interactions with the expert on the compulsive behaviors forum. We've talked and at some point I'll look at what it was that triggered my responses.
Thank you heaps for just being there. It scares me heaps if I think you're like one of the doctors here in town. I can't imagine ever being this open (and perhaps even trusting to a degree) with them.
I just logged on to wish my T well for her wedding but the server was down.
I went to my oncology appointment today. The time seemed to creep up before I even discussed not going to it with my GP. It was frustrating but not as bad as it could have been. I was thinking about getting the screening done (some time in the future). I just don't know at the moment. I know I am procrastinating but I just don't care enough about it. I just feel pressured and stressed by everything else.
I think I need to do some more reading. I read about frustrated needs the other day and then instead of eating went for a short walk. (Then ate when I got home).
I ordered a copy of another book but the store ordered the wrong one. I was stupid (felt bad for their mistake) and bought that book. And ordered the other one. It was written by the specialist I was suppose to have seen. It was called Borderline personality disorder: a practical guide to treatment. By Dr Roy Krawitz (and Christine Watson). I was hoping it would help me understand our mhs system better and hopefully guide me towards more effective treatment.
I am trying to work with my new T but it seems like a lot of wasted time. I find it uncomfortable telling him I feel uncontained or what he is saying doesn't really resonate with me. I hate feeling like I am attacking him or his mode of therapy. And it doesn't change anything.
This week we spoke a little about relationships. I brought up the material you shared with me. He suggested we discuss it further next week.
He suggested looking at the consequences and working backwards (towards the feelings). Why doesn't he just say we'll work from surface to depth?
I am happy to try and work through those feelings which are driving my behavior and to see which need is not being met.
I liked my T's work. She would say, needy -> greedy. My new T wrote a page of stuff that I didn't even get. Or didn't get a feel for.
I am such a mess.
I've asked my father if he could feed out for the next few days (mainly because I have tendinitis in my shoulder) but also to give me a break. I'm tired of running on empty all the time.
My GP asked if I could write a list of activities with structure that I could incorporate into my day. I'm frustrated with this also. How do I even begin to go about addressing that?
I really feel that people aren't getting me right now. I feel like they're going off on tangents that don't even relate to how I'm feeling now. I'm feeling frustrated that my needs, etc aren't being heard.
I'm feeling frustrated because I'm not working through this very well. I hate that I can't cope with whatever I am feeling. I feel so out of control. I'm also so impatient and find it difficult dealing with the situation as it is now. Feeling fat and depressed. But instead of making good decisions (and changing my situation) I sabotage everything. My GP said to change the behavior at the crossroads (that being the moment before I make the bad choice). I really wish it were that easy. Doesn't everybody I guess.
I feel really overwhelmed again. I don't want this fight I want to just sleep or have everything stop. That would be really nice.
Those magical properties could also be assigned to food, in a sense.
It's all so confusing. If I didn't have problems I probably wouldn't be over-eating. If I stop the behavior I change the pattern of behaving. CBT? Change the behavior, change the thoughts and feelings.
Probably I should stop whining about it and try and actively do something about it. Surely I can validate my own needs and feelings??
Thanks for the invite. I prefer the safety of the expert forums but I'll think about it and keep it in mind.
Other non-experts like yourself? Although not 'the expert' still expert.
The experts have directed me more towards professional help (psychotherapy, etc) so I feel happy hanging out in this forum. I don't know that I want to be distracted from my own recovery/ weight loss efforts and healthy lifestyle changes. Talking to others and perhaps being offered support by them feels extremely threatening.
I didn't quite get what was going on with your cat but I hope all goes well in that area.
Also, good luck with your own weight loss.
Wonko the Sane sounds like he may also have some issues of his own. I wouldn't like to speculate there though. He does sound like a bit of a character.
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