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[ownthesky]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm 20 and for roughly 3 years I have been on again off again bulimic and anorexic. Early on when I first began to lose weight I was mostly anorexic, bulimia didn't really come into the picture until I had already lost a bunch...(my body obviously knew this, I was having terrible nightmares and waking several times on a nightly basis) At my thinnest I weighed about 98 pounds and obviously(I'm 5'7''), family and friends intervened through concerned words. Since then I've gained 12lbs and went up a size in jeans. I look healthier now and no one really expresses any concern, and generally I feel happier and safer than I did. My problem is that I definitely am still bulimic. I don't starve myself as I used to, meaning I will binge,purge, and then eat something healthy to make up for it. This is not every waking moment but it's enough to merit concern. I find it pretty disturbing and I guess basically I just want re-assurance and encouragement that I can actually get better. I'm super paranoid about my heart and health (pretty ironic) and lately I have really been noticing panic episodes correlating with purging. It's getting annoying eating specific foods to try and cope with the after effects of purges...any feedback regarding your successes would be really helpful to me.

[Rach878]

Hello. I'm 18 and have been a bulimic/anorexic for 7 years, so i know what your going through. You can recover from this, if that is what you truely want. I'm glad to hear your anorexic behaviors are under control. however bulimia is just as dangerous as anorexica. it can pay a horrible toll on your heart. Do you have a theripist to help you overcome your eating disorder? If you don't a therpist may be able to help you in overcomming this obsticle.
I'm glad to hear that you are concerned about your health. It seems like your really invested in getting better. I'd be happy to talk to you further. Feel free to continue talking here, or you can pm me.

[Zoelula]

Hi

Yes, you can get better! I have 15 years of recovery from my eating disorder! But I'm a lot older than you and suffered for many years before I got there. When I was your age I didn't have a clue, so I think it's great you're posting on here and looking for help.

Rach is right that a therapist would be able to help you with your bulimia; be sure and look for one who has experience with eating disorders. Or you can start out with your own doctor and ask him for a recommendation, but most doctors themselves don't have very much training with ED. Another option is to go to OA, Overeater's anonymous. Don't let the name fool you it is for people with all kinds of eating disorders. Look in the phonebook, there are meetings in most towns and they are free.

From my own and other people's experience I've learned that sugar is very addictive and it's necessary to cut it out entirely because if you're addicted you can't eat a small amount like other people. For some people other foods like white flour are also a problem but sugar is a place to start. It gets easier!
Zoe

[ownthesky]

Thanks for your responses. I probably will post here more often just to have some kind of support, at least before I take any more conscious steps towards programs or therapists. I guess I've been trying to find out why I do it, initially I know I started because I was uncomfortable with my body (it wasn't even unhealthy, I was around 5'6'' and 130) for a long time, and then I guess I got sick of it, started exercising and reducing intake...and you know how it goes. Plus, when everyone starts telling you how good you look it just adds to it. It's funny how fine the line is between "ohhh you're so pretty and skinny...to....are you okay? you look sick." I'm glad I don't look sickly anymore but I still want to be healthy on the inside.

[Rach878]

I completely understand when your talking about people complementing you on one hand and other telling you that you look sick. Like people i haven't seen in awhile, or teachers at school have told me that i've lost weight and that i look great. I'm still at an extreamly healthy wieght, but people that know me better like my firends, family, and therpists tell me that i look sick. So it's like the people telling you that you look good encorages you to keep doing what your doing, but the people who tell you that you look sick, after a while starts to either make sense or make you thing that you don't look sick just disquesting.
i'm glad that you don't look sickly anymore, adn that you want to be healthy...that is the first step to recovery

[ownthesky]

Has anyone else dealt with serious anxiety as a residual side effect to these things? not really anxiety even surrounding food or eating or weight gain, but more generalized anxiety as a result of worrying about health etc. I always think "oh no i'm dying!". Have I already caused myself irreparable damage? Am I going to have a heart attack? I mean... I guess I'm just a worrier by nature...

[Zoelula]

There are probably as many reasons for developing eating disorders as there are people that have them. But in general it is usually a combination of things: Our society gives us a lot of messages about the ideal body and very few of us can live up to that (or should want to!). Especially as an adolescent girl that pressure can be intense. Some of us also get messed up messages about food and about body size in our own families. In addition there are almost always psychological issues involved that don't seem directly involved with food or weight at all such as self esteem, issues of control, anxiety and depression. So you are not alone in your feelings. When you get help for your ED it can and should address all those issues to help you to heal. You can do it!

[ABeautifulLife]

I have been reading these discussion boards and postings for a few hours and it wasn't until I read yours that I finally found someone with a story and concerns exactly like mine.  I was starting to think I was the only one constantly calculating and researching the damaging effects my behaviors can have on my body.  I know just about every side effect thats caused by bulimia and have essentially become of a hypochondriac when I think I'm showing a sign or symptom of ulcers, tooth decay, heart disease, palpitations, cardiac arrest, esophageal cancer, electrolyte imbalance, ruptured blood vessels, and so on, and on, and on, and on.  Lately I have been noticing changes in my respiratory patterns which create a need to take deep breaths often. Its been on and off for a few months and I have noticed it worsens when I binge and purge frequently.

I am 21 and have been bulimic with anorexic tendencies for 2 years and 4 months.  I used to b/p almost every night for a year or so in the beginning but still ate normal meals.  As I started losing weight I began to cut back the normal eating and slowly over time stopped eating all together during the day and would binge/purge at night.  About 8 months ago I got into a serious relationship with the most incredible man I've ever met.  It wasn't until this relationship that I realized how irresponsible and destructive my behaviors are and now that I am happy I have been much nicer to my body.  I do eat normally around him but occasionally lose control, causing me to lie about having to leave his place so I can go home to purge.  I hate what I do and have been trying to get better for months.  

2 days ago I was sitting alone in my apartment, bingeing, and watching an episode of intervention that dealt with eating disorders.  Long story short the woman in focus had sever mental and physical problems because of disordered eating, a feeding tube because she wouldn't swallow food, an addiction to pain meds because she was always in pain, had suffered a heart attack, and was just disgusting.  Her whole family had given up hope, some even hated her.  While watching I began to think about my own problems and that theoretically I could end up like that or worse if I didn't get better.  One thought lead to another and before I knew it I couldn't control them and so many horrible things came into my mind that I had a full blown panic attack.  I thought I actually WAS having a heart attack, which naturally made the episode even worse.  My heart rate must have been over 200 bbm, I felt light headed, tingly everywhere, hot, sweaty, and absolutely terrified my heart would fail from beating so hard.  I seriously considered calling 911 when I remembered a breathing exercise taught to anxiety patients (I was an intern for a hospital) and when I used that I could feel my heart rate decrease and my panic begin to subside.  

The scariest thing about all of this was the fact that I had just eaten upwards of 3,000 calories and was scared to death of purging for fear that my poor heart couldn't take it.  For about 30 mins I seriously considered trying to throw up...finally settling on the fact that I would rather gain a pound or two and be fat for the next few days than go through that again or WORSE go into cardiac arrest.  Not purging and letting all that be digested was so hard, but I was so proud later that I resisted.   I always thought I had total control.  That I was being as smart and careful as I possibly could.  But there is no being "smart" or "careful" when it comes to starving yourself or inducing vomiting.  I realize that I have done so much damage that I can't predict or for see what my body could do next.  

There have been a few other frightening things that happened where I knew it was because of my disorder that something could be seriously wrong (one time I vomited blood, another time I threw up what looked like pieces of esophageal tissue).  I hope and pray this time will be the breaking point.  I have no one to talk to about any of this, and when I do recover I will still keep it all a secret from friends and family.  I know thats not recommended, and have heard it's detrimental for recovery to have the support of those individuals. If thats the case then I'll just have one more thing working against me.  I am hoping that through this site I can find support from intelligent women dealing with similar issues.  The road to recovery is never easy but i think it would be a little easier if I wasn't completely alone...

[ownthesky]

isn't it horrible?! ugh...my panic and anxiety has been probably the worst residual factor of my ED. I've been recovering from it, eating whole meals and gaining weight and all...but the anxiety has stuck with me, it's actually become a deterrent to purging because after purging i began to get really bad anxiety attacks.i think now it's starting to subside,(the more i put myself in situations i am afraid of the more i seem to overcome my fears) but the weirdest thing now, is whenever i'm out, even if i've recently eaten a meal...I feel like i'm going to faint or starve or something. even if it's just like, 2 hours. it's really odd. so what I do is pack a granola bar, just incase. and having it there is very comforting, i never even eat it usually. i also bring a bottle of water which is also very helpful..you know, just little security blanket things! you should really stop binging and purging, it is really hard i know, but what helped me was finding distractions, like getting artsy, or talking to friends or making a really good mix cd. beyond that i'm not sure what else to recommend to get rid of all this anxiety... maybe go to the doctors for a checkup, and i'm sure everything will be fine beyond maybe being a little underweight, and you'll feel better afterwards. also...maybe take vitamins? they have a placebo effect on me in the sense that i feel healthier when i take them. haha. I hope you get better! I would go to the doctor in regards to the vomiting blood thing, not that i think you're dying, but maybe you have a small cut on your mouth or something, and it's better to be safe than sorry. if you're uncomfortable admitting your ED to your doctor you could always just say you had a 24 hour virus and puked and it happened. Next time you go to binge stop and count to 20 and think about it and weigh the pros and cons, and maybe instead of binging, make yourself a little snack of apple slices and peanut butter, or oranges or something. I dunno, Just suggestions. be well!

ps. i worry sooo much about electrolyte imbalance too! i always end up eating banana's because of the potassium.