Nurse turned patient and needing support!

Hey all, I know I reply to a lot of the questions on here as the RN, but today I need to be the patient and really need support. To start, on Monday I lost my best friend. I had to put my 6 month old kitten to sleep as she had a rare parasite that suddenly began to show symptoms. It's tough as she is to one who kept me company through all the pain and hard times since I got my first place and have been out on my one. So I'm full of emotions right now.

On Tuesday I had to go to the ER yet again to get my bowels evacuated. I think I'm going to make every Tuesday my day to go to the ER now, as that is the thing that seems to work. I'll have the doctor write me a script for Go-Lytely bowel prep every week, drink it Tuesday morning, let it soften my insides, then go to the ER for thier chemically made enema. Tuesdays I will dedicate to pooping.

Per my ER doctor's insistence, I made an emergency appointment to get into my GI specialist. I knew what I wanted and finally I got a doctor to conquer with me; I need a bowel ressection surgery. That means 2/3 of my colon will be removed and the ends sewed together-no bag. At 23 this is rare which is why he is having a hard time understanding. Only problem is he doesn't do surgeries, so now I have to go through my primary doctor to get the referral to a specialist at UCSD, wait on the low-income insurance waiting list at UCSD-several months, and then most likely go through a battery of tests yet again, to prove to this new doctor that indeed my bowels do not function.

The reason I don't want to wait any longer and am so tired of this untreatable constipation is because I have a recent history of severe anorexia nervosa. I consider myself to have been in recovery for over a year now. May be I was triggered by my Sashkia dying, or may be I'm just fed up, but it's just so frustrating that since I'm constipated all the time and my intestines are so swollen I have to wear baggy shirts or dresses and have to pass by all the cute clothes I want to wear. I feel fat just because my stomach is big, and am developing a fear of food again because I know whatever I put in me will show up in my stomache, and won't come out unless it's forced to. I'm going back to my old ways of trying to restrict and not liking my body, which is no way to live and means I'm in the eating disorder right now and need help.

I'm having those old eating disorder thoughts and voices and saw my wieght today, which I usually don't do. I saw my wieght by accident several weeks ago and was actually happy with it, so I should have stopped there. But nooo, I had to sneek a peak of my weight at the doctor's office. I ask them not to tell me and stand on the scale backwards, but they don't know what they're doing and always write it on the chart right in front of you. So now, even though I know I'm constipated, I'm freaking out because I gained 2 lbs. I also know scaled can be different and this one could have just weighed me heavier-which is why I immediately had the eating disorder thoughts to go to multiple pharmacies and try the scales out there, so I make sure I get the correct and lowest weight-like I did in the olden days.

I really want to restrict and feel like I'm starting back in the disease of addiction. The thing is I know how to get out (start going to meetings again, continue my service work, get out of myself), but this depression from my kitty, and may be other things is dragging me down. It also does help that my meeting buddies aren;t answering their phones or calling me back. I keep saying "I'll do a meeting tomorrow" and of course I don't. So I'll say it again, I'll do a meeting tomorrow. Perhaps I could call a friend to set a date up in stone.

Needed to get that out, I've been feeling weird and out of place all day. Probably should get to a 12 step meeting soon as that always makes me feel better and I haven't been since my kitty passed. I appreciate you all listening as I know many of you are going through this and understand. Any feedback, words of wisdom or comfort, anything that might lift my spirit would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.

Sara (RN) :)

[blessedmommy1973]

I'm also an RN, and have been suffering from an eating disorder sice I was 10 years old. Try imagining your ED as an abusive spouse, who has the capacity to beat you down to almost nothing if you let it. Refuse to let it hurt you, stand strong and use the positive self talk techniques,,,shove this abuser aside. You really don't want to go back to your life of eating disorders, especially when you already have permanent cardiac damage. I had a MAJOR relapse 3 years ago, and came into the hospital ICU with a pulse of 46, and blood pressure of 68/40 and a potassium of 1.8....I almost killed myself, and and almost left my 5 children without a mother...AND, I was at a normal weight for my height at that time. I will NEVER let this get the best of me again...because I want to live a happy, carefree life...WITHOUT ED's burden and damage. I also suffer from chronic constipation, and need the fleet enemas once a week or so...

You can get through this....don't let your ed ruin what you have worked so hard for. See if you can get into an area of nursing that will aloow you to help those with eating disorders, or other related mental health issues..it really has helped me out a lot...

[SLadylani]

Thank you so much for responding and your kind post and story! I do think of ED as a disease, for me a disease of addiction. I'm in a 12 step program, NA, for over 4 years now, and treat ED as a disease that will only lead to institutions or death. It wants to kill me. It took me a long time to view ED as something destructive as opposed to something that was trying to help me. But once I worked the 12 steps thoroughly around ED, and had finally hit my bottom, I finally got it.

The voices have gotten better since I've been able to get out of the house and go to a meeting. Sharing to others about this addiction and obsessive stuff helps. I just have to continue to try and find cute clothing that hides my constipated tummy, so i don't feel like such an outcast from other people my age. I'm still struggling to eat a variety of foods, as I'm scared that if I eat solid foods they'll show up more easily in my stomache than liquids and constipate me more. But hopefully that will be taken care of soon.

Thanks again for responding, hope all is well with you, take care,

Sara