Obese, Depression and over eating

Hi, I'm 38, have been on efexxor xr for 6 years, for depression and anxiety.  I've been overweight most of my adult life.  I'm single and look after my elderly mother who is in poor health (COPD) and has schizo-afective disorder.  I also work full time.  Also, 5 years ago I was diag. with borderline ovarian cancer and subsequently had a hysterectomy (I do not take estrogren therapy).  
I've found that over the years my emotional eating has gotten out of hand. In the last 5 years I've gained almost 100lbs and I was overweight 5 yrs ago!  My best friend is also overweight and I find when we dine out or go to a movie I find myself overeating because she's overeating.  I also find that if I over eat and gain weight I get depressed (or upset), and when I get depressed (or upset) I over eat. (Actually we both do this! - do I need to get new friends?)

What a vicous cycle and I want off!  Any suggestions.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Both of you have the same issues, so let me discuss them.  There are several issues to separate out in order to find a good solution. One is the issue of " contagion".   A recent study proved that obese people support each other to eat more. It is as if the other gives you permission by their eating behavior to do what you already want to do.  The way around that is to recognize that this is happening and talk about it the way lstkm did with her friend. You have advanced one step up the consciousness ladder when you do that so if you start doing it again, you can recognize it and make a decisions about doing it, rather than blindly and mindlessly doing it out of tacit agreements. The next issue is universal.  The more fat you are, the more you eat, because you are depressed and ashamed, and you want to get away from that negative set of feelings, so you eat to temporarily control your mood, but pay a heavy price for it. The third issue is support.  You have wonderfully supportive relationships, but that kind of support won't solve the basic problem.  The basic problem is that you are using food as a form of self medication, and that habit has to be broken.  I wish I could tell you how to simply do that, but I can't.  That's why I wrote the book and put up the shrinkyourself website.  I suggest you go there and read the articles or use the free tools to start dealing with the real issue.  Overeating will not make taking care of your mother any easier, it will only make you unhappy.

[LSTKM]

I find I do this same thing.   I've had the hysterectomy, and am on effexor xr also.   I have a friend who said to me "do you notice that every time we get together, we eat??" and I said..."Hmmm.  Let's go to lunch and discuss this."   I finally decided that enough is enough and talked to my friend about our over eating.  We're looking for ways to distract ourselves and fill whatever it is that needs filled without food, but it's hard.  Especially at night, when we've both been "good" on a diet, or had our husbands look at our gut and then at what we are eating, so we feel we need to sneak food.    Reading a book has worked a little bit for me, as long as I'm not at a table where I can mindlessly eat whatever is in reach.  My friend doesn't really have time to read, so she's trying to be with people who will help her "just say no" without being mean about it.   I'll go to her house and help her with housework or help with the grandkids and she'll come to my house to help with whatever and we call each other all hours of the night when we just can't stand not eating.    It's not working as well as we'd like, but it does help.   If I'm alone and feeling like I am out of control, I'll take an OTC muscle relaxer or sleep aid at night (OK'd by my Dr.) and go to bed early.  This way I can sleep instead of eat, but can wake up without feeling weird in a hurry if I need to.  
Hope you find the help you want!!  If I find anything else that works, I'll post it here.  Anyone else have any other ideas?

[SJL]

A brief history-I am 64, but at one time was a very young 64.I married when I just turned 16 and had 4 wonderful daughters.Not knowing that my husband came from a family of alcoholics, actually be researched at Indiana University, my husband soon became an alcoholic and was very abusive. I was scared to death of him-he never touched the girls, but took it all out on me.He was from a very influential family ,who made it clear that if anything ever happened (divorce), they would take the girls from me, as they had the $ to do it & I was just to young to raise a family. I never told my parents about this because when we went to them for permission to marry, they told me that I was to young & it would never work. Therefor, I was going to show them that it would work! After 19 yrs. of marriage, I finally got up the courage to seek a divorce. Of course, I got nothing but my children and our clothes. That was fine with me, just so I could get out of this bizarre hurtful marriage. I had never worked a day outside of the home, only caring for my family, had only a 10th grade education, so I was truly scared. I had met alot of influential people through entertaining for my husband's company and luckily I became a mgr. for a private airline lounge. My oldest daughter at this time was 18 & the youngest 8.My overeating all through these years I contributed to nervousness. He drank and I ate. After my divorce I lost the excess weight and regained my dignity, as he had stripped me of this. My career has been so successful, by knowing and meeting the right people, I climed right up the ladder in the private country club business. I became V/P of a TPC club and soon after my parents became ill. I semi-retired to care for them.This is when I started over eating again, after I lost both of them. I then returned to work for a hospital campus and it was during the hiring process, through lab work, I found I had Hep C. This is my 5th. yr. of interferon therapy trying to rid myself of this terrible disease, but I haven't succeeded. I have turned to food again, but mostly in the wee hrs. of the morning. I have no appetite during the day, I might eat a South Beach bar and a cup of coffee-I often don't even think of lunch, and do not get hungry until about 7P.M. At this time I do not want much, but after midnight, I start snacking on anything & everything.I have insomnia so I don't sleep much. I have also contracted 2 tag-along diseases to the Hep C, Cryoglobulenima and Neuropathy. My world has been a roller coaster ride for the last 5 yrs. I am at the point of being placed on a transplant list. With the little food I am eating, i have lost no weight. Prior to this I tried Nutri-System, Jenny Craig and many fad diets, as my weight kept going up. I am not only seriously uncomfortable from the diseases but my weight also. Do you have any suggestions that might help? I applaud you for taking your time on-line to help aid the many people looking for answers!
Sandy

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your courage and dignity come through loud and clear, and also the pattern that you need to break.  When your life is moving forward, you control your weight.  When it is really tough, and you feel stuck, you are an emotional eater.

Now you are in a really tough medical situation, so you are eating after midnight when you can't sleep because that is when you are thinking about how powerless you feel.   The one insight to keep in mind, is that you eat when you feel powerless.  You are in a tough situation, but you are not defeated.  Stack with the reality of the problem, but prove to yourself you are not powerless.  That is the cure...not any fad diets.  You might get some added help at www. shrinkyourself.com,

[Nina L]

To whom it concerns, I'm 36 years old, I have been overweight since I had my first child 18 yrs ago. In the past 4 years, since I moved back to my home town, I have put on a good 100 lbs.  I am soo miserable.  The depression seems to be getting worse all the time and I keep trying new medication hoping that this one will be the answer but none of them seem to do the trick.  I feel like I'm falling into a deep dark hole and the fatter I become the faster I fall.  I am a single mother and have been th whole time.  I screwed up my first relationship, my marriage, and even though all this time has passed I still feel really sad about it.  Sometimes I feel like I am putting this really big fat wall around me so no one will look at me, no one will want me and maybe even in my mind I dont deserve to be loved because of mistakes in my marriage.  I have been to therapy for years and still can not forgive myself.  Of course when I feel lonely....... I eat.  When I have sexual urges........ I eat.   When I feel guilty cause my kids dad doesn't seem to care for his children............. I eat. How am I ever going to end this cycle of abuse that I am doing to myself?

decending headcase