One more question

[Jaquta]

I think what is happening is that I am getting so stressed and anxious I can't focus on what it is I need to be doing.  I'm not able to stop and form insights about the situation and/ or behavior.

Today has been another one of those days where I have just about eaten everything in creation.  I don't wish to disclose what or how much because that will probably make me be sick -probably not a bad thing considering.

I saw my GP today.  He said he spoke to the psychiatrist specializing in bpd.  He told me the doctor is scaling back his private practice but would be prepared to see me providing the mhs agree.  He is still working for the mhs in another city.  He said it would be unlikely I would be offered support as I am not in hospital and not self-harming every other day.  The last major incident was in ?April 2005.
My GP said he will write, yet again (my words), to the mhs and see if they will work in collaboration with this specialist and also ask that they fund it.

I am getting really, really tired of all the paper shuffling and bureaucracy.  I am still getting no support.
I told my GP today that I am grateful for this site and more specifically the support I have received from yourself.  That support has been invaluable to me and without it I probably would have self-harmed or accidentally, or intentionally, killed myself.  I am also lucky in respect of having gained invaluable insights.  I think they have given me sufficient forward momentum to not lose hope and give up.  Not enough not to throw everything away anyway.

Questions.
Do you think I should be writing to the director of mh myself to put my view/ experiences across?
I spoke to him recently and he didn't seem motivated to change anything.  He even went as far as saying I was insignificant in the scope of the mhs.  He also said that the service chooses to fund a psychoanalyst for the child and adolescent service.  I took that to mean he is choosing not to help me or others like me.  

[Jaquta]

I'm just checking in for no other reason than I can.  Or maybe I just want someone to hear and acknowledge my pain.  My GP and T won't listen and discuss it.
Things feel so tough at the moment.  I am starting to feel consumed by thoughts of suicide and self-harm.
I'm even more gutted because I just keep eating.  (Thoughts are consuming me, I'm consuming food??)
I've been having joint pain (probably gout) and been SOB a bit (maybe asthma related) and attribute them all to over-eating.
I don't even care!!!  Even this is annoying me!!!!!

[Jaquta]

I just need somewhere to vent and this seems like the safest place.  Or rather was.  My GP asked for the name of this site.  I didn't feel comfortable disclosing the information but he is a good manipulator (?motivator).  He said he was just interested in the site intro (home page).  He said he wouldn't look at posts as he would consider that a breach of confidentiality.  I don't believe him and I think I can be very intuitive.  Something didn't feel right.  This was also after he said I have significant trust issues.  

I am feeling extremely stressed again.  Due to everything.  Where do I even start?  The house is cold and I am freezing.  I'm tired.  I'm over-eating because I am tired and stressed (and undisciplined).  We have no running water (minus water in the toilet and shower (which is inevitably cold)).  I'm old, I'm putting on weight.  I'm ...
I'm concerned for the animals.  I'm concerned about that extra stress on me.  I'm anxious about follow-up oncology and surgical appointments.  I haven't arranged for tests I was suppose to have done.  I feel uncomfortable with my body image and don't want people touching me or even looking at me.  Even talking about it feels too intimate.
My T would have said that is because I lack psychological defenses and therefore my body has become my defense.  That probably helps explain why my anxiety feels heightened and I feel even less contained than previously.
Plus I have a sore head after jarring it when I slid down a bank.

I feel frustrated!!
Frustrated with therapy, frustrated with my GP, angry and frustrated with myself, frustrated because medhelp shifted a post to men's health (I think because it symbolizes rejection), just frustrated with everything.  Frustrated the animals got out and that others may be sick.  Frustrated that the cow mauled the dog who is old and has arthritis.

I figured the animals only got out (were acting out) because they had needs that weren't being met.  I wondered what happens when they have needs which can't be fulfilled?  I am trying to get them through winter as best I can with the resources I do have.  Did I miss something old T's were trying to achieve?  By old I mean previous.  I don't know how old becomes relevant.

I find it challenging hearing and seeing some things.  Talk about setting dates.  That's something else I have done (and still do although I am able to work through things much better now).  A lot of stuff from my past is being triggered which I guess is normal considering things that are happening at home.
One day when my parents went to the national agricultural field day's I ...  It doesn't matter, I guess you don't want to hear that.
Dates?  I think conversation made it feel more real on a day that I find difficult plus other factors as well (it being a Friday, a full moon (kind of), plus family ringing which puts pressure on me to have a conversation with them (when I would rather be talking here.  OK, so that is unhealthy).
My head is just overloaded with negativity and ways to avoid taking responsibility.  I just don't believe in my ability to change (or my so-called potential people keep talking about).

I don't even want to talk anymore.  My deterrent at the moment (other than venting rubbish here) is that I feel I need to control what happens with the animals (or rather, I don't want my father near them??).
Perhaps it's normal I feel this way with the sustained stress in my life.

Self-harm seems like such an easy way to make things stop when nothing else will.
Please don't let me do this.  I'm tired of struggling.  This space scares me.  It feels so familiar.  Why do I disconnect from people?  This is what happened with Steve (the cmhn) I was seeing ages ago.  I had problems.  I withdrew.  I made plans.  I had more problems.  Problems with the animals I couldn't cope with and that put me at risk.

I am so unbelievably tired.  Maybe a sleeping pill will help me sleep and remain put. No, not a good idea.  Then I have to see the contents of the bottle.
Why don't I just go to bed?  Why don't I just eat healthily and exercise, etc?

This has just numbed my anxiety.

I don't understand what has just happened.  I think I am getting sucked back into old ways of perceiving things.  The negativity, negative experiences make me challenge ?? that small healthy part of me.  Is that healthy part stronger, more protective??  I think I have become ? more fragmented.  How do I become more contained?  What can I do??  I don't think my T and I discussed what I could do.  Maybe I'm wrong.

I just feel inordinately tired.  (And don't want to sever the connection).

J

[Jaquta]

I read about Harriet last night.  I thought I might call it "Harriet the Parrot" for now.  It often sounds like a parrot on ones shoulder.  Yes, no, yes, ...
I thought about labeling it Gertrude (no offense to the Gertrude's out there).  It's amazing how mocking it a little and laughing at it can take away some of its power.  Kind of similar to some of the exercises I did regarding the doctor who threatened me with ect.  I think putting Harriet in a diaper would probably be a little too demeaning though (especially if I have to own that part of me).

There was a sentence I felt was particularly powerful and helpful but I deleted it because I wasn't sure about copyright laws, etc.  I'm not particularly good at referencing either.

J

[Jaquta]

I honestly don't know.

At this point in time the mhs seem like, and possibly are, my only option.

You're right, I have focused primarily on lack of support and my 'asking' does sound like threats and/ or coercion.

There is a definite power struggle between the mhs and myself.  I feel they don't listen and defend.  They feel ...
My old T said the system feels its hands are tied and blame me for this.  Because they can't cater for me they shift the blame instead of taking responsibility.

I think I lost perspective during my first psych admission.  Or in all fairness, maybe it was absent long before then.  Hospital, or the stresses associated with it, are what broke me anyway.  Perhaps that is why I seek help and reparations from them??

I feel like something is missing and that is part of what keeps me stuck.
How am I to change this and take responsibility for it?
Consciously I don't feel this is emotional damage (at least not on a level I am able to self-correct).  Where do I find this lost part of me?  What would my T have done? ??

How do I do what is necessary to make my life work if I have significant deficits?

I read several pages of your book (my book) last night (?pp. 51-52).  The material on self-doubt resonates very strongly with me.  This is similar to what you've said previously about being stuck, permanently defeated and why if I think this way I lose confidence in my ability to make my life work.

Do I need help?  Don't I need help?
I never asked to have these issues.

Are you saying, make changes and I won't be stuck?  And I'm saying, I'm stuck, therefore I can't make changes (and make my life work)??  So emotional damage is still keeping me stuck??  What issues haven't I resolved?  Issues of rejection, abandonment and self-worth??  Don't I deserve to have things/ life work for me?
So I'm not inherently bad or dumb or stupid.  Despite feeling that way.

Asking (or forcing) someone to give you something they can't, isn't helpful is it?  Seeing they can't give me what I specifically want, is it unreasonable to ask that they offer the support so that in time I can find it for, and give it too, myself?

Should I be grateful for one therapy session a week.  When that one leaves me stressed and in crisis should I even be going??
This is what happened before my previous T came and I became obsessed with ld 50's and poisoning monographs and other negative material.  And like I said previously being in the process of hanging myself.  Have I changed enough not to resort to these methods of coping??  I don't think so.  I don't think I would harm myself (other than by over-eating or driving too fast or recklessly if I were feeling very angry), but I would kill myself.

I am feeling powerless again and I feel like it is strengthening as an option.  Why??  Can I really not change?  Is there really no possibility of that?
Why do I feel so stressed when I feel I have to do this and confront this (the making life work) alone?  I can't keep this in perspective if I get so emotional about it.
How can I make my life work when that important thing, whatever it may be (-?sense of self/ identity), is missing?

These forums shouldn't even be like crisis management.  What responsibility, if any, is the mhs taking?  That's rhetorical, the answer's none.

I was just wondering whether the not reading your book/ my book (my copy of your book) was that food defends against safety.  Either way there are emotional issues I need to confront and resolve.

I saw part of the later stuff in your book was about slowing down and reinterpreting.  That will be interesting.  Hopefully they'll be strategies and skills I can apply.

I am really, really sorry this so profoundly becomes about safety but I am really, really trying to ...?if not to change, then at least to understand and cope and maybe even survive.  Why am I scared to change?  What does that mean?

Did my life become such a struggle because I placed all my hopes in them?  How do I access that hope (do I have any?) in myself?  Maybe it is my ego which is protecting me?  Why won't it let me destroy it??

Thank you for letting me have this conversation here.

J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I don't know the best way for you to get help in that system, so can't advise you re that.  It seems to me with all that you have posted that you have focused so heavily on the lack of support, and have put in so much effort to force them to give you help, that you have lost perspective on your life.... your life has become this struggle, and you are now placing all your hopes on an agency.  Is there not another pathway for you?

[Jaquta]

My previous T said she was appalled by comments he made.

I am happy to write to others as well.  I am not sure whether I should wait till my GP hears back from the director first though.  Maybe, maybe not.  I don't see them actioning anything.

Do you have any specific thoughts or suggestions that may help me?
I don't know if you would see a lot of this.  Maybe.  I hope not.

I am concerned because I am becoming more dependent on the support here and still are not feeling contained.
My GP said he thought I needed medication to deal with all this stress.
I asked Dr Ted Grossbart on the compulsive behaviors forum whether precipitating a crisis (by not posting here and seeing my GP) would be helpful.  He strongly advised against it.
So I post here, I try very hard not to engage in anything that could potentially be life-threatening (minus not going for follow-up breast care) and I try and get through each day as best I can.

It's hard having a small amount of insight because it means I'm unwell but that I can't access support.

I'm feeling physically sick a lot these days just through stress.  Today I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack I'm so wound up.  This is how I felt in hospital when doctors refused to give me leave, or discharge me.  It's hard when people don't get it, get me.  I feel you understand me reasonably well.  Better than almost any health care provider I've seen.  My old T got me and my GP, while having no specialist psych training, tries his best (and is more supportive than the psych services).

I'm lashing out at people which is frightening me.  It's not a good sign.  I told posted on the weight loss and healthy lifestyle forum and suggested the doctor take a look at his own lifestyle and see whether he has the time and motivation to answer posts.  Thankfully he got rid of it and I did apologize.  I think his site has some good info too and I've told people to check out your forum and websites.

So much stress.  I feel like I'm going to break before too long if things don't improve.  I think this was where I was suppose to use the lorazepam I refused.  I'm finding that I've taken medication (lorazepam, zopiclone) for longer periods and I'm finding it harder to stop taking them.  I'm not taking anything at present though.

That's my novel and a half.  This is the most relaxed I've felt all day and I'm still feeling very tense.

To sum everything up, I'm really struggling and I need some input about how to put my concerns about lack of support and containment to the mhs in a way that is likely to get positive results for me.  

Regarding your book.  I did only ever buy it for me and the insights I thought I could get from it.  Consciously that's what I think and believe anyway.  Emotionally ...??
Probably not such a great helper as I'm really very naive and clueless about most things.  I envy others their experiences and insights.  I feel I lack those.  Although when it comes to mh I think I may relate to the pathology a little too much.

The basics don't change, do they?  Whether they're for myself or someone else.

I don't feel obligated to you in anyway (which is a new feeling for me) but I do feel you've smoothed my path a little for me and have definitely reduced my distress -a lot.  I'm grateful for that.  Just so you know.  

J