So tired of this low mood, food is evil!

I hate this.
It seems my depression is coming back with a venchense not that it ever really left. It has just been over powers by my needto lose weight. But lately I've been really low everyday. Usually about eating or my weight.
I try listening to music to bring my mood up, but that doesn't even work anymore, even youth wich is the only place I can always be happy even there my moods been rock bottom. I make my mood be good when I'm at youth but inside I feel then ever!

Today I had swim meet and all I could do when I. Wasn't swimming was sleep and when I was swimming I was out of breath and felt like I was going to pass out. I realize it's probably because all I had had at that point in the day was 2 eggs 6 hours prior.
But I refuse to eat lunch. In my eyes food is evil. But hate this low mood everyday. There's no way I can bring up. And in the last week I have been really self concious of what people think of me. I've been takin everything serious! :(

I'm so lost and only find myself getting stricter with my diet! :(

[SLadylani]

Sounds like this could really spiral downward, just like my eating disorder did. My name is Sara, and I'm a recovering anorexic. Was anorexcic for 12 years and have been in recovery for one. I trully know what it's like to be stuck in that obsession where every waking minute is spent obsessing over food, calories, planning out my next meal or what I'm going to cut out, my weight, how I luck, etc. I was all mind consuming and all I trully thought about was myself. It spiraled down quick for me and I started out just by one day deciding to eat healthier at lunch and bring an apple instead of my usual bag of chips and kudos bar. My freinds were awe struck as I never ate healthy before. I soon got attention from all the popular kids as no one had ever been anorexic before. This further fueled my eating disorder. Ultimately, July 2009 I was forced to go into treatment for 1 year, 9 months inpatient. I lost everything i had, had heart damage, and could not take the obsessions and compulsions anymore. I had begun to purge at this point as well which was awefull. Really, I found releif after I got out of the treatment program by going to my old 12 step meetings-I'm over 4 years clean/sober. I worked the steps around my eating disorder, and I can't explain to you the 180 degree change I've made. Today I no longer obsess at all over food. I eat what I want when I want, and listen to my body. I don't think about calories and realizing fulfilling a craving for a sweet will not make me gain weight. I had gained more weight than was natural for me during the treatment process and had intended to loose it. I found once I stopped trying to loose the weight, I naturally got back to the weight I wanted to be at, and that my body was meant to be at. Today I can look in the mirror and say I like my body, but generally don't look in the mirror much because I honestly don't care about the way I look. I can't tell you what freedom this is and what a miracle this is for the obsession and compulsion with food and weight to be removed. Today I have time to think about others and spend my time helping others, such as this website, giving back and doing service in my 12 step group, and nursing. I have friends and can actually hang out with them today as I'm not always busy at the gym or avoiding going out to eat. This freedom does exist, and it may seem so far away, but it's possible for you to get there. All you have to do really is just stop doing what you're doing now, stop trying, stop caring, let go. Remembing I can't control food and that food actually ended up controling me helps. Trying to control food made me miserable and I was a constant suicide attempter. That was no way to live. Today, I'm grateful for my life and would not change a thing about it in this moment. I trully hope you find whatever works for you in recovery, there's tons of options out there. EDA=Eating Disorder Anonymous meetings helped me at times, and I actually started one in my home town. There's a ton of information at the online website. Of course there's regular therapy, but I know that can be a hard thing to accept and get into, and often people with eating disorders need more. I'm glad you found this website and have this here for support. The one thing I can tell you is your mood is not going to get better the more you starve yourself and the more you obsess over food or weight. No matter how much weight you loose, once you get there, you'll probably want to loose more and it will always be a constant battle. I wasn't thus far half my life on this disorder, when I could have found releif sooner. But the truth is we will stop when we are ready. I hope you found this at least somewhat helpful, and keep us posted, definitely. I wish you good luck in feeling better and am sending my best wishes your way. Please, take care of yourself,

Sara RN :)

[OneWordSaysAll]

hii,
I likened myself to your story, I feel almost the same.
Everyday I have headaches that are killing me and my friends, trying so hard to make me happy, only end up making me feel even worse, because they CAN laugh and I can't.
I feel so miserable and tryed to walk away from home, but I end up crying at a bus station.

My only help is to talk to people on here, talk to my psychologist and draw.
It keeps my mind of things, just a little bit. I write poemsto write off my thoughts.

wanna talk more often? I think just a little support would make a big difference to all our lives.

-sweet and concerned greets from holland-

[SLadylani]

Hi, I'm Sara. I remember when I was in my eating disorder anorexia, I had aquaintences, but no friends. I say that because I could only get to know people on a surface level, because they didn't understand me and I couldn't relate to them. I would get invited out to events and barbeques, but i always felt so awkward. i didn't fit in. I ended up sitting by myself in the corner, with one grape on my plate, lol.

Meeting friends that knew the way I was thinking was one of the first steps into helping me out of my eating disorder. Especially meeting healthy friends, that were focused on recovery. They say misery loves company, so it was hard because I did have some friends, and today still encounter this, that were deep in their eating disorder and didn't want help, so I felt it started to pull me down.

Finding support groups, starting an EDA meeting, even experiencing with OA meetings got me out there and away from the eating disorder, which is what our eating disorder ultimately likes us to do: isolate. This can be a great website for support, to check in daily even, and to start to learn how to build healthy relationships.

I'm glad you can talk to your psychologist and find releif in drawing and writing. I used to write a lot of poems when I was depressed. Today I still journal when I can, but mostly step work. I hope you find the support you're looking for, where ever it may be, but know that there is support out there, you  just have to do the footwork, which you are doing!

I wish you good thoughts and wonderful wishes, and hope you have a pain free-both mentally and physically-day today. Take care of yourself

Sara RN

[skydivediva]

Sara,
Thanks so much for sharing your story with Bran_Bran & OneWordSaysItAll. I've been talking to Bran for nearly a year and have been increasingly worried as her eating disorder has spiraled downward sinking her deeper & deeper in depression. I, too, even at 52, have body image issues as I was underweight through highschool and overweight to obese as an adult. While my problem is eating too much, rather than too little, I too obsess for hours every day over food, calories, exercise & how I look: planning what to eat, congratulating or criticizing myself over what I ate, etc., etc.. I think, however, that it's more helpful for you to share your first hand experience that is so similar to Bran's. I congratulate you on your recovery and thank you for sharing your experience with others here.
Dear Bran,
Honey, I've grown fond of you over the long time we've been chatting. I know that you think our problems are very different and that I can't understand or offer advice. Please listen, then, to Sara who's been where you are and has proven there is a way out.
Dear OneWorldSaysItAll,
I hope that you find the support you need. As Sara said, you have to do the footwork which you are doing. Keep it up, get healthy & get happy.
Best wishes to all of you,
MaryMac, RN

[SLadylani]

I find it an honor that I am able to share and post my story and experience of strength and hope, as that I am a miracle to be here to even share it! Sharing my experience with others is a gift, as I find that even if I am able to help only one person get out of the misery and suffering that I once endured, then all of that misery was certainly worth it :). I did a lot of "research" on the different 12 step programs available for eating disorders and got to know a lot about the different aspects of each. I actually went to Overeaters Anonymous for a while as I found that was quite similar to my obsessions with food as well. As when I was in anorexia, or bulima, I obsessed over food all day, planned out the next meal, obsessed and overexercised. I just found the only difference was I didn't always act on the food obsessions. But I related as our thinking was quite similar and more importantly our feelings were quite similar-self-hatred, fear, the works. So in a way, I think any eating disordered person sekking recovery can offer help to another ED, no matter what their size shape, color, or experience may be. We all just want one thing and thats usually freedom from our ED! I thank you for thanking me, and I in turn thank you for the same reason :) I wish you good luck on your journey and send recovery filled thooughts and best wishes your way.

Sara RN