Ways to make healthy weight loss safer for recovering bulimic?

[karlotta]

I realized that I had been suffering from bulimia (the eat a normal amount of food, then feel bad and starve, drink a lot of coffee for laxative purposes kind) for quite some time recently.  I'm still in denial about it to some degree, and am afraid to tell anyone.  About a month and a half ago I stopped eating, and went for weeks eating a small meal here, a small meal there.  I dropped about 10 pounds in a few weeks.  This was due to anxiety ad loss of appetite.  I eventually started binging once my anxiety waned, and I felt so guilty I began to induce vomiting, and it felt amazing.  I quickly realized that this was not a good idea, and have decided to attempt recovery.  I have no support system, I can't tell my parents because they'd be angry after all they've had to deal with because of the anxiety, and I am even afraid to tell my psychologist because I'm supposed to be "better now."  Sigh.

Basically, I want to know if I can stop with no help.  If willpower alone can make me able to eat in a normal way.  Also, I still want to be skinny.  I'm about 134-6 pounds, and I am not overweight (I'm over 5'6") but I feel incredibly fat most days.  I want to be 120 when I go to university this fall, and have always believed that my life would improve vastly should I achieve this.  120 is still normal for my height according to the BMI.  I've gotten many complements since I lost that 10 pounds and feel happier already.  I don't think this is due to my eating problems, I think people just feel happy being slimmer.

The question is - is it too risky for me to try to do this the healthy way?  (3 meals a day, I refuse to eat anything with animal products but I make sure to get protein, etc.)  Is it likely for me to revert to starving or purging?  I really can't deal with being this fat but I don't want to harm my body!

[Zoelula]

I have 15 years recovery from my own eating disorder and recognize so many of the things you are saying. I know you don't believe this but 134-136 at 5'6"is a perfect weight! You said in one place "I am not overweight, but I feel incredibly fat" and in another place "I really can't deal with being this fat!" Those feelings are all a part of your eating disorder. Your image of yourself is distorted, I know that's hard to accept because it feels so real and when people say you look good you don't believe them. What you need help with isn't weight loss it's learning to change your thought pattern and to eat healthy and not define yourself by numbers on a scale.

Since you are seeing a psychologist it's really important you not keep these things from her (or him) of all people! She knows about how change works and how eating disorders work and she doesn't think you are "supposed to be better now." Oftentimes we have to take two steps backward and one forward. With fifteen years recovery most of the time I don't have to think about food or weight (honest!) but every once in awhile I recognize feelings or thoughts that are from my ED and I look at them, wave, and move on.

You are wise enough to know that what you are doing is not healthy. I hope your parents would not be angry but would support your asking for help, but do, at minimum talk to your psychologist about what is going on. If you hide it, it will only get worse!

[goodgardenpeas28]

Losing weight will not solve any of your problems! I can guarantee you that, I lost a ton of weight with an eating disorder and was still perfectly miserable. Life does not become more manageable once you lose the weight, the only way to make life more manageable is to deal with your distorted thinking, and yes it is distorted because at your height your weight is perfectly fine! let me tell you I have been dealing with one kind of eating disorder or another for years and still do not have it under control, the quicker you deal with it the better, I wish I had not waited quite so long to deal with mine

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

I'm delighted your are expressing your feelings, thoughts and fears while at the same time reaching out for help.  These positive steps in your recovery are to be applauded.  I hear your struggle and confusion.  Working through an eating disorder alone is never a good idea.  You head got you were you are.  Having the support of your psychologist, friends, others who have battled with an eating disorders and yes family is ultimately vital to your full recovery.  Anxiety and eating disorders can often go hand in hand.  The eating disorder symptoms are an attempt to manage your anxiety.  This ineffective and illusionary attempt can be transformed to successfully identifying your feelings and thoughts and learning effective coping skills.  Your psychologist is there to be with you in your journey to empathize with you pain, listen to your truth.and offer new ways to cope.  For more information on eating disorders, visit the bella vita website.  Best, Dr Patricia Pitts  The Bella Vita  Los Angeles, CA