What's Wrong With Me?

I’m not anorexic, I know that for a fact due to my height and weight and according to my BMI, I am at a healthy weight but I do think I have issues with food and eating. When I was 11, I was bullied. It started off as typical teasing, so I tried to suck it up, but when it was an every day, constant thing, especially bullied by a group of about 10 girls, it made my life hell for a year. I was ashamed to tell my parents about it because I felt embarrassed. But time got on and they started calling me ‘fat’ and ‘ugly.’
Back then, I never used to see myself as fat and back then I would’ve said I’m not a bad looking girl either. But that really got to me and I thought, ‘if they think it, who else does?’
So I got into a mode of going on a diet that I was going to stick to. I wasn’t eating my breakfast, yet I was leaving evidence so as my mum thought I was eating it, I threw at least half of my lunch away, if not more and then of an evening, I would pick at my dinner and what I ate of it, I went to the bathroom to induce vomiting.
However, after so long, my mum got a bit suspicious that I was going to bathroom each night so she followed me up there and asked what I was doing. In the end, I came clean that I thought I was fat and that I need to lose some weight, After that, my parents watched what I was eating and made me stay at the table so as I couldn’t get rid of it.
It had been an on, off thing and every now and again, I would diet to lose a few pounds.
By the time I reached 13/14, I started it again, feeling as though I wasn’t good enough for a guy that I really liked, but he found out what was going on and kept tabs on me also. I started to lose weight and everything and even on school trips, I would take advantage and literally starve myself for a week, living on a couple of pieces of fruit a day.
My parents actually said that I was attention seeking which I’ve always thought, even to this day, is very harsh considering that I could lose a few pounds and I myself recognise it as a problem that I have, and although not ongoing, it comes and goes.
At 15, I even tried smoking to suppress my appetite, as a lot of smokers in my year were rather thin, regardless of the fact that they ate quite a lot, especially unhealthy foods.
I’ve always wanted to lose a bit of weight and I’m under the impression that I would be more popular if I’m thinner. I don’t have many friends, I keep myself to myself and I have low self esteem, but saying that, I’m a high achiever. I passed all of my GCSE’s and am currently at college studying childcare and am achieving really brilliant grades.
At school, I was always called a perfectionist and I was quite proud to be known like that but if anything went wrong, or I scored wrong in a subject, especially my favourite subjects, I would get really uptight about it and panic quite a lot, feeling like a failure.
I’m now 16, nearly 17, and I still get the feeling of ‘you need to lose a lot of weight.’ When I eat, I still get that feeling as though I’m disgusting and I need to get rid of it, but I can’t do anything that would make anyone think there is something going on, because I’m generally worried my mum would say I’m attention seeking again.
I’ve always been an insecure person, worried why I haven’t got an amazing circle of friends or a boyfriend but then I base it on me being ugly and fat and that there’s something wrong with me.
Quite a lot recently, I have cut back a lot and I lose weight quite quickly, especially when on a serious diet. I’ve been able to get away with no breakfast or lunch, just replacing it with water, tea or coffee but then I have been picking at my dinner so much, leaving loads of it and only selecting parts of it to eat.
And then I’ve been exercising like mad, to the point of exhaustion. I want to stop sometimes, after doing stomach crunches and even brisk walking on the treadmill, I feel like I could just fall asleep but the voice inside my head is telling me otherwise.
“You need to exercise and burn off the calories otherwise you’ll always be fat. You’ll always be ugly.”
And when I actually accomplish a task, it’s like the voice congratulates me.
When I eat, I feel fatter and although I’m so hungry throughout the day, although I’m hungry, I drink water and decide to go on the treadmill or do stomach crunches to distract myself. By the time I go to bed, I feel relieved that I have gone a day just through drinking fluids and then eating a small portion of dinner.
Then, when I watch other people eat, especially when I eat dinner with my family, I watch them and think that they’re weak and one day, they will all be fat and I will be thin, then I would gain control and power, because I’m strong and can refrain from eating so much food within the day, almost like I’ve won.
Looking in the mirror for me is generally revolting as I see a ugly, fat person standing before me. I’m always able to pinch a bit of fat off somewhere and the fact that by eating, I put weight actually scares me.
Things like going shopping is a nightmare, especially when I’m with my mum. She tells me I have no ‘fashion sense’ and that I’m ‘tight’ with my money because even though I need more clothes, I don’t buy myself any. The truth is, what my mum can’t seem to understand, is that nothing compliments my body, nothing looks good or flattering on me. I see a top in a store and I fall in love with it, but on me, I look hideous. I see someone else in the exact same thing, and they look like they own that top and like it was made for them.
I hate eating out with friends especially because I am always worried that I will look greedy, so I prevent going out with them for a meal. If I go out with my family, I always watch what other people are eating and make sure they are not watching me eat, as I get concerned and paranoid that they think I’m fat and greedy. I usually go for easy options, something I know would be low calorie and then I pick at it.
I keep currently eating only a couple of pieces of fruit now & again, eating some dinner & making myself sick where possible, whenever my family are out all day.
I just want to know if any of this is normal. Like I said, I’m not anorexic because my weight is ‘normal’ but none of my family seem to experience issues like this and I just want some advice on what’s happening to me, especially as they are difficult to talk to seeing as they class it as ‘attention seeking behaviour,’ which is not the reason whatsoever, and it’s difficult to understand why they say that seeing as I have quite a good, stable and positive relationship with them.  Any help is much appreciated. Thank you.

[Zoelula]

Of course, nobody on a website can diagnose you, but from what you describe, yes, you do have an eating disorder. There are many kinds of eating disorders, and people with them are very thin, normal weight, a bit overweight or very overweight. You can't always tell by looking at someone or what they weigh. Eating disorders are about what you do (like restrict food, over-exercise or purge), but they are also about how you feel and what you think. (Like "I'm fat, ugly and nobody could ever like me"). They are also about some things that seem to have very little to do with weight and food such as control. All of these things together make up an eating disorder and an eating disorder can make for misery on a 24/7 basis. Also, they don't get better over time, they get much worse. I'm really glad you were able to express so well how you have been doing. It's a good first step. The next step is to get a referral to a therapist experienced with eating disorders and have them help you work through these issues so you can enjoy the rest of your life without all this. I have 16 years recovery from my eating disorder and I wish I had done it when I was as young as you.