how can i ask for help?

I just feel like i need some help, but i cant even ask for it! :(
i had a perfect opportunity last week :( my lecturer (whos a past nurse) has been asking if im alright for quite a while and says that sometimes i look so pale that she gets worried about me. i was planning on telling her my 'secret' last week and she actually asked me if i was ok again, no one else was in the room, so i had a perfect chance to tell her whats going on... but i just physically cant :(
i get so panicky when people ask if im ok, that the only thing i can do is just say im fine

i suppose ive kept this a secret for so long that i find it so difficult to tell people :(


ive been suffering with anorexia for 7 years, and ive never had any help for it. i have tried to recover on my own so many times and my eating does get a little better but ive still got a stupid voice in my head telling me im worthless, that i dont deserve food, that im already fat.. i should be loosing weight

right now im far from recovery, my eating is getting worse every day, right now i only allow myself between 0-500 calories a day but even that s a struggle. I know how much this is affecting my health, i just feel like if i dont get any help soon i could die because i know how quickly this can become out of control and how quickly i can loose weight, ive currently lost 1st in less than a month.

i know all the consequences of not eating, im a student nurse myself. But i still cant make myself eat... its like a fear of eating, but alot worse...

im 19, if that helps anything

p.s. i have had past expereinces which have led to me having this, but i havnt had help for them either. i used to have a counceler when i was at school but i just couldnt tell her anything, i just said i was fine and that was the end of that.
whilst i had a counceller, my eating was really bad then aswell, and i was getting bullied and abused (mentally, phhysically and sexually), but still didnt tell her any of it.

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

I am so delighted you wrote you thoughts out.  You give many great examples of your struggle.  What would be great is for you to print this note and give it to the nurse, your parents, or someone you trust and know they could support you to get help by an eating disorder specialist.  For more information about eating disorders visit the bella vita website.  Wishing you a year of change in 2013!  Dr Patricia Pitts  The Bella Vita  Los Angeles, CA

[fatty00]

but what will happen if i showed this to a nurse or doctor? what will they do? im worried that it will all happen to fast once ive told someone, and that i wont have any control which will make me feel worse.

i think right now, im just struggling to cope with not having a propper childhood. i just mean, that ive had problems with my eating sinse the age of 11 and have had low self esteem all of my life.
and i can remember sinse the age of 11 that i focused most of my time on dieting and excersise and now im to old to relive a childhood without any worries or cares.
im now 19 and studying to be a nurse and feel that im completely out of my childhood and i never had a fun care-free childhood like everyone else.
i feel like ive missed an important part of life which everyone should go through and i regret it so much.

because now i have to be an adult and il never have a care-free life.

im not saying this because im studying to be a nurse, because ive always wanted to do this. That isnt making me feel like an adult, its just my whole life in general... that im going to be moving out this year and that everything is going to quick.

do you understand what i meen?