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I suffered from anorexia for 13 years, along with bulimia, laxative abuse and over exercising and it has been 2 years since I recovered. I gained over 50 pounds within weeks of reintroducing food and eventually my weight stabilized at 150 -160 pounds at just below 5'8.
I work out lots and have tons of muscle but I have a fat layer on top and I am not happy with my body at all.
I really want to have defined muscles and to do that I have to lose fat. I could care less about losing weight, but for the life of me, WHATEVER I do I cannot get rid of the fat layer. My body just refuses to let it go.
I know I still have eating disorder thoughts, and know when I look at myself it's a hallucination, because there are sometimes when I feel good when I look at myself and I think, damn I am hot today. But when I see myself as fat like I do now, I think perhaps the very few times where I see myself as beautiful are simply wishful thinking times.
I might just be delusional but I swear my body is so out of proportion. Having muscle seems to be making the fat bulges even more noticeable, because I am firm and solid in lots of places, but then there are some places where the fat has accumulated and it looks so repulsive. It's so disgusting. My breasts never got fuller, but instead a strange roll of fat accumulated underneath, and on my hips, and I swear my butt got so huge it feels uncomfortable.
Everyone says I look good, but I don't believe them. Even random strangers mention my weight gain, and although they act pleased about it, don't they know not to mention weight gain to a female???? The constant mention of it even 2 years after is giving me a major complex.
I don't care if they tell me I'm beautiful, I just want to be invisible because I feel so uncomfortable like this.
Well it seems I have tons of health ailments, like IBS due to the eating disorders. I've managed to cope with it all by adjusting my diet to gluten and dairy free, and eating super healthy organic things. I also cannot handle fiber, so I have to eat my veggies through juices. The worst thing now is that my bowel movements are usually non existent still, which is due to laxative abuse and I guess not using the colon for years before that.
Try to explain this to health professionals and all they say is "oh you are constipated, eat more fiber" but no man, I am NOT just constipated, it's just not happening most days...
Just recently I got some liver tests done and my liver came back as mildy damaged. For many, many months I have been suffering symptoms of extreme liver failure but only recently did it show up on the blood tests. Generally though I'm healthy, fit and able to participate in my sports. Well on top of eating disorders I was also an alcoholic for years, so that makes sense my liver might have some issues.
So I began taking milk thistle weeks ago, and it has been giving me some brutal symptoms! My naturopathic chinese doctor said that is a good thing because although milk thistle doesn't detoxify the body, it heals the liver so that it can detoxify itself, and that these symptoms are signs that the milk thistle is working. But I feel so terrible, it's awfully discouraging.
I read that detoxifying makes your health problems even worse temporarily, and that "healing crises" can bring up all past years of illnesses to the surface. I'm 50% worried this is not true. If it is true I think underneath it all I must be very sick, because they say it doesn't usually take long to get out of the healing crisis zone, but it's taking me weeks so far.
The milk thistle gave me terrible heartburn, acid reflux and indigestion and nausea all day long. (Thankfully that phase is over) I read it's a common effect, but my naturopathic doctor said in chinese medicine heartburn is actually the cause of the liver heating up and creating access bile. So he said its a good sign, but that I should lower my doses of the milk thistle and continue with it. No more heart burn now.
But has been wreaking havoc on my joints, and I keep getting random muscle and body pains and injuries, my foot feels like its broken, horrible headaches, flus, colds, dry eyes, itching all over my body, awful rashes, breaks outs in acne that I haven't ever had since i was a kid despite the fact that I drink more water than anyone alive, and I swear its making me depressed and irritable.
I realized the importance of having a bowel movement because I began to feel it and got so bloated, and realized that if the liver is trying to get rid of toxins then where do the toxins go? I was drinking tons of water, and spending hours in the steam room, but nothing seemed to be cleansing out. And so I had to take a laxative and spent at least 24 hours at the toilet ridding of what I am sure is 20 pounds. (But I still felt more did not get expelled) I felt so much better after that, but am now going through another wave of even stranger symptoms from the milk thistle.
And now I'm contemplating doing enemas, but not daily, maybe once every 2 days because I read that they can actually help strengthen the colon and bowel if done properly and im guessing i should give my bowel time in-between uses to strengthen. And thankfully, the first enema I did released some of that famous black stuff they say builds up in the colon, but it only came out in tiny chips so far. I swear there has got to be even more stuck up there, and I am 50% convinced that it could be the reason to why my bowels are not functioning properly.
I once thought the idea absurd as you would think constant laxative abuse would keep the colon clear, but then I realized while doing the enema, if that were true, I would have seen that black stuff before but I never have. So the laxatives just make it go straight through, they don't actually clean out the colon. And I also read that when you don't eat, stuff hardens in the colon, so it makes sense that it might be blocked and not functioning properly because of that.
I'm actually not sure and maybe 50% worried that these steps I am taking might be making things worse for me. But when I think logically about things, it makes sense. I also read that when you are trying to tell the difference between a negative reaction and a detox symptom, it is important to see if you are taking something notorious for detoxing, which I am, so I am 50% convinced it is not a negative reaction and that these things are happening because I am getting healthier.
Well I'm hoping that if it all works, that since the liver is known to be the source for metabolism, that perhaps it will finally help me in burning this fat off of me too.
You are going through the normal recovery process with its ups and downs. You could be having both positive and negative emotions regarding your looks. Please continue to see your counselor. Also, please continue to eat as advised. Along with this, to tone up your body you need to do simple stretches and other exercises. You need to eat healthy. Chronic anorexia can affect several organs which will take time to come back to normal. Meanwhile you may have bouts of water retention or a feeling of getting bloated etc. This is just a part of recovery—it will be there one day and gone the next. Son, with the right combination of therapy, exercise and diet, you should become healthy and fit and look great. People commenting on your weight may be doing so as a compliment—because chronic anorexia can make you look haggard. So, for you a weight gain is a victory! Take care!
The medical advice given should not be considered a substitute for medical care provided by a doctor who can examine you. The advice may not be completely correct for you as the doctor cannot examine you and does not know your complete medical history. Hence this reply to your post should only be considered as a guiding line and you must consult your doctor at the earliest for your medical problem.
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