I've been having trouble discerning physical hunger from emotional hunger.
I think one can be physically hungry and still have unfulfilled emotional needs.
I thought that by addressing nutritional needs that over time I could learn to adapt and also address my emotional issues. All I have done is dig a deeper hole for myself.
I was doing well. I lost 11.4 kg over ?eight weeks and last week I went for two 96 minute runs.
Last week I reached a somewhat elevated goal weight for myself (my goal is 64 kg but I think that may be a little unrealistic due to my height, build, etc). People were applauding my accomplishment and I was feeling great but now I have just sabotaged all my efforts. Or most of them. It feels like all of them.
Maybe physical hunger was the stumbling block this time.
Is knowing the difference between the two just a learning thing?
I was probably hungry but attributed too much to emotional eating (since that has largely been my life).
When I read the symptoms of emotional eating in your book they seem very black and white but when I try to apply them to my own situation they seem ?incongruent.
I feel guilty regardless of whether I am famished or full. Possibly more so when I'm hungry. Sigh.
I spoke to my GP today. I think I need to call him tomorrow because I can't do this anymore.
He said he went up to the psych ward and spoke to the manager who has referred everything back to the director. Instead of thanking him for taking his time to do this I said I was surprised they let him out. Oh dear!
I'm frightened. I'm scared of what I may do if I don't get help and scared of what they may do if I do.
Binge eating has made me very sore too. Maybe I have appendicitis? Maybe not. Don't ask.
I am feeling a little better today. It could in part be due to menstruating. The overwhelming agitation has eased which has helped a lot. My mood is still a concern though. Maybe I can deal with this for one more week without unduly stressing my GP. I don't feel very confident. I don't think I have struggled this much since the 10 month period before I was sectioned (in Jan. 2002).
I was wondering about the menstrual stuff earlier. I recall a comment you made to another member about there perhaps being psychological issues behind it.
It's possible it's a combination of both physical and mental symptoms.
I had some childhood issues (memories of a man) but I was wondering if it could be related to my mother finding a condom in my father's briefcase (after she had had a hysterectomy) and confronting him. I tried to protect my brothers and sisters from this.
I did some stuff (which I'm not going to disclose here). There have been comments that a person may repeat what has been done to them. ?? I have seen this in other aspects of my life. When I was younger I used to have my pants pulled down and was strapped. I'm ashamed to say that when I was younger (?9) I pulled down a girls pants at school. ??
When I was a little older I was sent away to school. I recall coloring on tampons. Why?? This was before my family were involved in a major head-on -I think.
I was given a school detention for passing a menstruation pamphlet in Japanese class. Is that what immature school girls do??
Could this have been due to abandonment issues and also issues of trust? I was homesick for 2/3 of the year. My mother encouraged me to write notes when I was younger. I wrote one to her saying how much I hated school, etc and wanted to go home. I overheard her telling a neighbor -I felt betrayed. I felt that was personal.
Mum also identified a pubic hair when I was younger. Maybe that is about shame too. ?? This kind of crosses over to stuff on the compulsive behaviors expert forum where my parents have picked my skin, etc. Dad did that when I was older too in front of girls in my dorm.
I guess this all ties in with accepting ones own body.
My childhood is/ was confused and messed up.
Is emotional eating and weight gain suppose to protect my fragile sense of self??
School was suppose to be for educational purposes and I suppose my other family members did benefit to a degree (my sister was head of house/ nearly head of school, my brother was dux). My memories of school are of suicide, suicide pacts, bondage, people being tied up put in wheely bins and dumped in the school pool, seances, people exploring old war tunnels, etc. It doesn't say much for either me or my personality. Or of a system that could have intervened.
So J should not ask questions?
Was I not receptive to material from my last T? I didn't think I had the answers.
Maybe everyone has the answers to their own problems?
Why do you do that to me? Why do I do that to you??
Your responses to the other questions have been helpful.
I was wondering why I could exercise and diet for eight weeks but not last week and not today. I was thinking it must be due to splitting. It can be as black and white as flicking a light switch. Possibly different stressors?? Maybe because the motivated patches are so short and so infrequent it means it involves deeper issues. What triggered it and what caused it to disappear??
Was survival the requisite for its appearance and stress responsible for its disappearance?? Possibly. Maybe anger and frustration play a part too.
Helplessness and hunger. It sounds like feeding the child that never grew up (and still hasn't). I wish I understood what it meant to be stuck in this phase.
I actually think I was very mature and responsible when I was younger. For some reason I feel stuck at 18 years of age though. ?? I don't know what that means. Some life transition. ?Individuation/ separation. Maybe I need to date a psychologist (although I don't see that working). They don't have a huge selection of books in our library. Maybe the hospital library that we don't really have access too??
I like books, I just don't like reading them.
There are probably more answers in Mills and Boon medical romances anyway.
I just read Tatiania and Alexander. That maybe had more answers too.
Science vs God. Science being observing a person, God being about their soul. It mentioned food too. Germans restricting and limiting Russian food intake during the war.
If weight defends against the self then that means that there is a sense of self.
Maybe I don't feel as lost as I once did. The missing bit doesn't feel missing.
Hopelessly lost but not missing.
This will sound like a foreign language to many people who don't understand.
The conversation about books reminded me about the other conversation about books. In English we only studied: Lord of the Flies, Mrs Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, Dead Poets Society, Shooting an Elephant.
I think if I took the time to read and think about what I write I would be mortified.
I do need to talk to my GP because I am grasping at straws here. The evenings seem particularly excruciating.
I don't know who I have these conversations with: me? you?? Maybe both.
Someone in our mhs has been restrained and in seclusion for six years. Maybe I don't want that help after all. It puts my comment to my GP about being let out in context. Such an emotional dilemma.
I think in part I was also overwhelmed by the changes. I think perhaps the incremental changes were too big.
I was wondering if that were blood due to femininity or blood as a life force.
My T and I discussed blood and some events but never blood and food. I guess it was assumed. We did discuss events causing anxiety which was linked back too food.
I think it may be blood due to me going to the park when I was younger when I was expressly told not too, me being approached by a person, me running home crying, me standing on a traveling iron and cutting myself badly. Mum used towels, linen, etc to keep the weight of the bedding off my foot. Me seeing a person outside my bedroom window. Me developing tendencies to pull the curtains in a particular way, me sleeping with all the sheets and towels packed around me. Me needing a wall at my back and head. That is why in part later a brick wall was comforting.
Then getting up one night to find that Santa wasn't real at a time when I needed to talk and trust my parents.
Blood was also present during our first major head-on car crash (which wasn't our fault either). My memory is of glass and blood everywhere and of firemen. I hate the smell of firemen.
Blood as a life force would come later. That is probably when Dad kills a possum in my bedroom with my baseball bat leaving blood everywhere.
When I was unwell I had this dream that 'blood was bad in my body' which was right in the context of the dream. Blood isn't a good sign in urine, etc. Meaning. ??
Then there was a rally up the road and I thought I might walk in front of the cars so I walked home. Then I felt like I really did need to get rid of all the blood from my body.
I wonder how that links up. (Outside of being severely depressed).
Getting rid of life would get rid of the memories.
My understanding is that my T thought I was anxious from the car accident which is associated with being run over later.
Is this about my parents or some other individual??
Mum said I weaned myself by biting her. My T said it was because my mother didn't tolerate it -that she rejected me. That she didn't ... I don't know. I can't remember what my T said. So I don't want to look at my mother being less than ideal??
It's crazy that a person can dig at their issues over the internet. This is deeper as it pre-dates any of the hospital stuff, etc.
It's interesting how I keep sabotaging myself when I get closer to my goal weight. And annoying!! I'm still missing important connections.
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