please help me.. i dont no what to do

well since i was about 12 alot was happening in my life and i ended up restricting my food intake so i could actually control something.

in about half a year or less i went from about 9st (126 lb / 57kg) to nearly about 6st (84lbs / 38kg)

no one realised what i was doing apart from my mate.
but sometimes my family used to try and keep me in for dinner so i think they had a suspicion of what i was doing but they never did anything.

so i tried to start eating again on my own with my mates help

but its been 4 years now and i do eat more than i used to but i seem to just be starting to restrict and even be sick this time. i really dont no what to do.

i just feel like giving up and i cant even find a reason why im here. im just stupid and make everything worse.

i have to really try to make myself eat now :(

i know this is stupid but i cant stop this and no one knows about it (my mate thinks im alright now)

i really feel like im worthless and that everything would be better if i wasnt here.

im even going to get some laxatives tomorow and i cant even seem to pursuade myself not to :(

what can i do please help me
what could all this be aswell??
i really need answers now so please just answer my question
and thankyou for any answers in advance
xx

[Zoelula]

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. Nobody can tell you exactly what is going on for you, especially over the internet, but it sounds like you have some very good insight when you talk about your need to control something. Again, nobody can diagnose anyone over the internet but it does sound as if you are experiencing Depression which is very common in people with eating disorders.

What you need to know is that all the ways you're feeling, hopeless and worthless are a part of your illness and they are not true! I don't know you but I'm sure you are a very good person who sounds like you are in a lot of pain. And things CAN get better. I feel I can say this because I suffered from my own eating disorder for many, many years and now I've had recovery for 15 years and am free of all the craziness. I eat healthy, am at a good weight and most important feel good about myself.

Recovery is possible but it's hard to do without help. This is a disease of secrets. You've been honest with strangers on a website, so now start with an important person in your life such as your mate who probably won't be all that surprised to know you are having a hard time. Then seek some professional help. You can start with your regular doctor for a referral or look in the phonebook for a therapist with experience with eating disorders. You might also want to try OA which has meetings everywhere and is for people with all kinds of EDs. It's a great source of support and understanding and it's free! Let us know how it goes.
Zoe