This community was created to answer questions about the egg donation process. What happens during an egg donor cycle. Drugs used during the process. Protocols. Where you can go to cycle. Costs associated with that. Information about disclosure.
Donor Egg Recipient - Don't want anyone to know
Hi - Glad to find this group! I am 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow with a donor egg. I am blessed to have one healthy 5 yr. old. Been trying to conceive #2 for nearly 4 years. Over a year ago we had donor eggs fertilized w/ my husband's sperm and frozen. I am very strong willed and stubborn. It took me over a year to move forward w/ the transfer as I held out hope I would get pregnant using my own eggs. Tried years of traditional and not so traditional ways of trying to get pregnant until I could physically, mentally and emotionally not take it anymore and moved forward w/ the frozen embryo transfer.
I am thrilled to be pregnant, but admit I still have issues surrounding the fact that this is a donor egg and not my own egg (yes, I went thru the requisite counseling). I hope someday to move past that. I know it won't affect me loving this baby, but at this point, it still bothers me and I'm bitter and sensitive about it. No one except my husband and my doctor and nurses knows we used a donor.
So, here's my question...my infertility doctor is not with my medical insurance, so my records are separate. Later this week I have my 1st ultrasound/prenatal appt. w/ an OBGYN via my insurance. At this point, my husband and I are not planning on telling anyone about the egg being a donor egg. I am wondering what is necessary to share with the OBGYN? Is it standard for an OBGYN who will be aware that I went thru infertility to ask if the eggs or sperm are donors? I am 40 years old. Usually if 35+ they present you with the options of amnio, CVS, etc. screenings.
I guess my greatest fear is that they will record that we used a donor egg in my records, somehow that will get transferred to the child's records and be revealed to the child at some point. My husband and I have not determined if we will tell the child. I think we would both like to be upfront from day one and do the whole "it takes a seed and water to make a baby. Daddy had the water, but mommy didn't have a seed, so a nice woman gave her a seed." However, both of us are concerned the child would not be accepted or treated well by my in-laws. We have another child in the family that has gone thru some challenges by no fault of his own and has had a tough time. My in-laws have been gossipy, un-helpful, judgemental and downright cruel to this child (my hubby agrees, so it's not just a "my in-laws are weird" thing). It breaks my heart and knowing my child could very well be subject to similar treatment - unthinkable. On my side, my mom would try to be supportive and I know she'd love the child no matter what (thankfully), however she has a "special" way of making me feel like crap. I've had almost four years of disappointment and feeling bad about myself along w/ the inappropriate and probing questions from her. I don't need her making me feel bad b/c I wasn't able to produce my own viable egg.
Okay, this post is a bit all over the board, but does anyone know what you really should share with your OBGYN? Is it necessary to share that I used a donor egg? Obviously I want good care and it seems odd not to share all aspects surrounding this pregnancy, but to me, my concerns are real.
Also, did you chose to tell your child? Are you going to tell your child? Do you or did you have issues with using a donor egg? I have an old coworker who struggled with infertility. About two years ago she confided in me that she used donor eggs. I think she could tell I was having a really hard time. I asked her if she had told anyone. Her response was that she'd told no one and that she and her husband figured if they shared that info. with anyone, it would be her twins first.
I'm going for D/E at end of april beg of may and I'm travelling to europe, so the donor wont be known to us nor will we have access to photos etc, we are at the moment in the no telling camp as I dont really think its relevant to all to know how we concieved or hopefully will concieve (conceive) the baby.... As for genetic testing, I'm 45 and they will probably push for further testing primarly because of my age, although I am looking to do the materniT21 blood test and that will negate the need for further testing unless that turns out positive...I have 10 children of my own, and I have tried for 18 mths on my own to get preggers and I've had 2 blighted ovums...so for me, I'm excited at the prospect of using D/E as ultimately its a take home baby that I want, whether its my egg or a borrowed egg, it will still get me my baby, and I will be the one growing and nurturing it.. I'm sure your feeling will change once you can feel baby kick etc, it can be a roller coaster emotuonally to come to turms with the fact that our body isnt doing what we want it to, but ultimately just think that your about to be blessed with that baby that you want :)
We will tell our children- we want it to come from us. We have told my family but not my DH- which is funny bc our kids are genetically his! My cousin is a surrogate child- we have been through this! Anyway- I think this is only as big of a deal as you make of it. I think at some point we will tell everyone- but our children must be told first. It can be traumatic to the children if not handled well and that is the last thing I want. Adopted children get told they are adopted. I know, this is not exactly adoption. Biologically they are my children. My blood, my body helped create them. I gave them more than just one cell!!!! I would talk to your RE or your nurse about disclosing the info to your ob/gyn. I did- but we had a lot of issues (ttts) so we had to tell. Don't stress- just find out if it is important! Hang in there and good luck!
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