Ejaculation problems

Hi doctor, I have a question about ejaculation for you.  When my boyfriend and I have sex we both think its awesome, but he just cant ejaculate.  He said it doesn't feel the same as when he does it for himself.  He can get off when he masturbates, but not with me, i don't know if its my problem, like if i am doing anything wrong or not.  He says it just doesn't have the same feeling, is there anything we can try to do to work on this, or anything i can do to work on this, because some day we want to have children.  It bothers him that he cant ejaculate during intercourse and will pretty much try anything.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Whitney.

First, it's not your problem, and it's not something you're doing or not doing. And as long as your boyfriend is producing viable sperm, you can still become pregnant if you decide you want children in the future--whether he ejaculate inside your vagina or not.

However, I don't think that's your worry at this point. You're probably worried that you don't turn him on.

There are many reasons why he may be inhibited with you. I’m going to assume that when you say “sex,” you mean he doesn’t orgasm during penis-vagina sex (p-v). This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of his relationship with you. Or perhaps he’s not receiving enough stimulation during p-v, or might be starting p-v before he’s turned on enough. I’m also wondering how aroused he is by you. He could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.

There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.

So, to recap: he may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any sound possible. The next step is to open up some dialogue with him. Don’t be defensive. And be sure to tell him that you love being sexual with him, regardless. It’s important he not feel pressured. Be supportive and loving. There’s something going on, and the two of you need to find out together. Once you talk about it, he may just be able to relax and enjoy whatever pleasurable feelings arise, which, in turn, may lead to him relaxing enough to share his orgasm with you. Good luck! Dr. J