I have never posted a question on a site before, but feel I am at desperation point. I feel like I have tried everything else and don't know where to turn. I am a 29 year old female and have been married to my 59 year old husband for almost 3 years. I am very much in love with him and despite what people choose to believe I am very sexually attracted to him. He has had somewhat of an erectile dysfunction problem since we first met, but it is getting worse. It is now to the point where he can only get an erection if I perform oral sex on him or give him hand relief. Obvoiusly, I don't mind doing either of these things, but it takes all the passion and excitement away as it has to be so "planned". And then when we go to make love, he loses his erection.
We first went to a GP (doctor) who suggested we "go for a walk on the beach and hold hands. That will fix it."
I then went to a different GP on my own. He gave me a referral to a physchiatrist because he said I needed to address the issue of "why I was attracted to an old man, when I should be attracted to men my own age".
We then attended a counsellor for couples counselling. This was the most help of anything as it bought a lot of my husbands issues to the surface, but didn't offer any remedy. Some of the reasons my husband gave for his fear of failure were:
*He feels that our relationship is too good to be true, and that it is only a matter of time before I leave him
*He is worried about not being able to perform to the standard of a 30 year old man
*He feels self concious about the way he looks with no clothes on (he did wear his t-shirt when we went to bed for the first 6 months of the relationship)
*He says that I am not a "normal 29 year old woman" because I expect that we would make love 2-3 times per week. he says that I am the most oversexed person he has ever met and that most women don't mind whether they have sex or not.
Finally, my husband went to yet another GP and got a prescription for Viagra, and that is where we are at now. Problem is, he won't use the Viagra. He says that he is so scared that it won't work, and then he will have to admit total failure as there will be no-where else to go from here.
Can anyone offer me any advice on exercises/activites I can try?
Do you think that he is just making excuses and that there is some other reason eg. porn or he is having an affair (I haven't seen any evidence of either, but I guess you never do)?
Am I going about it completely the wrong way or do I just need to accept that age comes with a loss of your sex life and move on to a life without sex?
A couple of things to add:
*He drinks. On week days he would have 4-5 beers each afternoon. On weekends 10-12 beers. I don't drink at home at all (we have a young son), so maybe I notice it more.
*I am attractive and I take good care of myself, but this issue makes me feel very unattractive, so I tend to cover myself up around him.
*I am not frigid or boring in the bedroom, I have suggested (and tried) sexy costumes, lingerie, toys, role play, sex in other locations etc. nothing seems to interest him.
This issue causes other problems as he is constantly paranoid that I am going to cheat on him if I am not satisfied at home and accuses me of wanting his friends, brother, workmates etc and he has isolated a lot of his friends and colleagues due to this behaviour.
definitely a complex situation. He has to try the Viagra, at least a small amount (maybe 25 mpg) to see if that helps. If so, you've bought yourself some time in case problems crop up down the road. If not, then try Cialis or Levitra. This could be a case though with both physical and mental issues - and that's a tall order to fix. His thoughts that he's not going to be able to perform like some 35 are going to be a road block no matter what. Have you seen a glimmer of hope along the way, a good time you guys had in bed at one point? If not, this may be a case of mismatched sex drives, age issues, and maybe physical issues - ultimately he's the one who is going to have to come to grips with this and try to solve it. Unless he's in fine physical condition and was very sexual in his late 40's to mid 50;s, you may have to admit that he's approaching senior citizen age and a guy's sex drive often does decline around this time. What's his sexual history, if he's opened up about that?
Thanks for taking a look at my question. He states that he lost his virginity at 13 and seemed to have a quite normal sex life up until age 29. He then fell in love and married a woman that he stayed with for 20 years. He says that their sex life was ok (just average) in the beginning, but she would humiliate and critsize him for being dirty and disgusting if he asked for anything like a head job. And towards the end, the only time they would have sex was if she would agree that he could "help himself". He said that she really made him fear sexual rejection from women and as a result after their marriage breakdown his only sexual encounter in 6 years was a one time visit to a rub & tug parlour.
Then he met me. The first night I stayed at his house and we were intimate, he was not able to perform, but he was very loving and I put it down to nerves and the amount he had, had to drink.
Since then we have had many great times in bed. I have noticed that they are mainly when we are on holidays or weekends away. We also have much more success when I initiate things or take control of the situation. It's just that sometimes I like to feel wanted. I want him to desire me (and he says that he does, he is just too scared to act on it).
I have also introduced him to what I would conisder quite normal sexual acitvities eg. me swallowing at the end of oral sex, that he says make him nervous because "girls never did things like that in his day". It kind of makes me feel dirty and like a **** (I can count my sexual partners on one hand). So maybe I put too much pressure on him, or I make him feel in experienced or inadequate.
I don't expect a wild sex life at his age and I don't expect it to happen every single time, it's just that lately we have about 5% success, where we used to have about 80% success. I am going to try and convince him to take the viagra. Does the viagra address the physical issues or the mental issues?
lots of information, and some does seem hopeful. I know a 59 yr old guy who shares a few of your boyfriends characteristics, namely that he "helps himself" almost every time - he really doesn't seem to get much of a thrill out of intercourse, but does like getting oral. He's now firmly locked into his situation, and has been this way for the past 15 years. Your boyfriend seems to be similar, *but* you say there have been many great experiences for both you and him. So that's a good sign. OTOH, he seems to still have sexual hang-ups at age 59 , and those definitely can interfere - after all the mind controls pretty much everything when it comes to sex. The part about him blaming his former wife for his current situation - that I'm not sure I buy. If it was lousy due to her and left him 'damaged', then he should be *overjoyed* he found you - not still using the past to explain the present. As far as Viagra, it primarily fixes a physical issue - blood goes in to create an erection and really cannot escape since the valve is now closed. However, if you can't get an erection, then it's of no use. I find it's also a psychological boost, since you don't worry about losing an erection due to interruption or what not.
QUOTE: *He drinks. On week days he would have 4-5 beers each afternoon. On weekends 10-12 beers. I don't drink at home at all (we have a young son), so maybe I notice it more. "
If this is true, this is your answer. Alcoholism is major cause of ED in men above 45. Google it and you will see. No need to look any further.
Beer is even worse as it raises a hormone called prolactin. Prolactin in women causes the breats to prodce milk. It also inhibits testosterone production and dopamine.
Dopamine is a brain chemical that rises when we get sexually excited and causes erections.
Alcoholism is also associated with damage to nerves and blood vessels. The primary cause of of ED in healthy, non-drinking older men are deteriation of nerves, and blood vessels.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!! On your advice I broached the subject about "if your sex life was so bad with your last partner, why are you not excited to have me in your life and start working towards fixing our problems instead of blaming the past". I also bought up the oral sex issue, and he did admit that he had gotten into a rut, just expecting me to do it all the time. I think this was the real wake-up call for him.
He took half a viagra, and as a result was able to get erections without any problem at all. He initiated intimacy 3 times in a 24 hour period after he took it. Prior to this he hadn't initiated anything in almost 12 months. However, he did say he had heart palpatations, so we will keep an eye on that.
If it's not too much to ask another question or four? How long does the medication take affect for? Do you think it worked for the whole 24 hours or did it give him a confidence boost as well? If it turns out that we need to use it on a regular basis, will he get used to the affect and it no longer work or is this just a myth? If so how do we manage this, eg. if you stop taking it for a month, will it then work again?
Again thankyou so much for your advice, I love this man very much and we have both been walking around on cloud nine ever since!!
I have also taken your advice and researched the link between alcoholism and erectile dysfunction. VERY SCARY STUFF. So scary in fact that I admitted to him that I had looked into it and gave the info to him to read.
Must of worried him as well, as he has agreed to give up drinking at home altogether (something I have wanted him to do since our son was born) and to only drink light beer when he is at the pub on the weekends. Not sure where you are, but in Australia, light beer isn't low carb, it's low alcohol.
Will this make a difference or is the damage done? So I can keep him on track, how long would it be before we are able to ascertain if the alcohol was affecting his libido, weeks, months?
I'm glad to hear that with your prodding and encouragement he's making a sincere effort to address this. Regarding the Viagra, I think it's important to find out the minimum amount needed to do the trick - whether that's 1/4th a 100mg , or more or less. I don't think you can build up a tolerance to it as long as everything else stays about the same. And don't forget it only maintains an erection, it's still up to his mind (and your involvement) to get things 'up' .
Supposedly it has an effect for at least 6 hours, not much should be still in the body after 12 hours. I didn't read his beer situation closely, 4-5 a DAY does seem like a lot, day after day, and more on weekends. If there's proof it's a negative at those levels, clearly he should cut back to 1 or 2. I would think at a 4-5 level he must have a beer belly unless he's one of those rare hyper thin guys. That's a health risk no matter what.
Look at the big picture. Our health is often the result of the accumulation of all we have done to our bodies (of course genes and envirmental factors play a role). He is almost 60. It's not what he has done this month, but what he has done and not done in the last 60 years. Not too scare you, but in men past 50, good doctors check for systemic problems when someone has ED. Poor blood flow in the penis might indicate narrowing of arteries elsewhere. The penis is not some separate organ. Overall health usually means penile health.
Obesity, poor diet, smoking, alcohol. sedentary lifesytle, stress - all lead to poorer penile health and overall health.
Here are some tests that urologists use to ***** the health of the individual and his penis.
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