Erectile Dysfunction Expert Forum
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Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems or erectile dysfunction.

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Erection

I am 23 and i have never had sex. every time i try to have sex I ejaculate while kissing. for some reason i think my pennis doesn't get hard enough to have sex. My question is: what is the normal firmness of a correctly erect penis, if there any measurements please give me, i have seen in movies that other peoples penis does stand stret like a stick others even bend upwards. As for me it still bend down, i have neva seen it erect stret up or even bend upwards?
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Hello.

First of all, forget the concept of "normal." When it comes to sex and anatomy, there's no such thing. And there's no such thing as a "correctly erect penis."

Some penises are completely straight, some curve up, some curve down, some curve to the left and some to the right. All of these are simply physical variations—like the difference in peoples’ noses. The only time to be concerned about curvature is if your penis curves so extremely that it’s difficult to be sexual with a partner or if it causes you pain. Most of these curvatures are caused by calcification, and they usually go away with time.

Just as some women seem to associate having big breasts with being “sexy,” many men spend their lives wishing they had the allegedly perfect porn star penis, and this notion can affect their sexual enjoyment. Certainly, penises are important to sex (perhaps you’ve heard), but great sex really does involve your whole body. In fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos. Keep in mind that thinking about your performance can be the enemy of enjoying the actual pleasure, letting go and having fun.

It sounds to me like you're very anxious and worried about being sexual with someone else; thus, as soon as you get turned on, you have an orgasm. And if your penis isn't getting very erect when you're turned on, this is probably the result of anxiety as well. Here's some information for you:

During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt, anxiety and relationship conflict may create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative.

Many men think they have to last a very long time in order to please their partner, yet most studies show that around 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex.

That said, here are some techniques for lasting longer:

First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.

Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality.

Lastly, I think you'll find lots of helpful information in the following book which I recommend to all men: "The New Male Sexuality," by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online, both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand their sexuality. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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