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Help! My Wife Feels She is Causing my Erectile Dysfuntion

Here is the situation - For the past few months on and off I have had bouts of ED when my wife initiates sex. I'm into it, but for whatever reason one day it just didn't come up. I was very confused, which cased a lot of anxiety for me about as to why I was experiencing this. I am very attracted to my wife and enjoy having sex with her. I am only in my early 30's and have no medical history or drugs or smoking or anything of the sort. No medications either.

It was an isolated incident, and did not happen the next several times in the following weeks.

Anyway, we then tried working at having a baby for a few months, and the anxiety and pressure to preform on command at the perfectly timed windows, caused the ED to happen again. I felt very anxious about hitting that perfect window and being ready, etc. I have read this is very common.

Anyway, window ended for baby making and everything went back to working normal - Until just recently. We are not working at the baby making, and suddenly - no luck. The ED came back. I was very in the mood, but the anxiety flared up and me worrying about "what if it doesn't work" - killed it for me.

My wife is convinced this is 100% her fault and that it all relates to me not finding her attractive (which is quite the opposite), and has led her to feel that it is her fault because she had gained a little weight in the past few months. (Again, something that I wasn't even thinking about). She feels very rejected and hurt, even though she knows I did not "not" get hard on purpose - But that it is something subconscious in me that is not finding her attractive.

I could not disagree more. I feel it is completely me worrying about my past performance that is causing this, and something I need to get over with repeated successful tries. I think its completely psychological.

She now has no interest in even trying to have sex, out of fear of feeling rejected - no matter how much I try to explain that this issue has nothing to do with her being rejected. I feel like I'm up against a brick wall and can not move forward without her having a better understanding of the reality of the situation. Is there any way to get through on this, so we can move forward? I've sited medical facts, research and other peoples stories on this, and she is still convinced that ultimately, it is her.

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139792 tn?1498585650
Search for breathing to orgasm(Goofle). There are three types of breathing. One is alternative, the other is simultaneous and third is circular. This will increase your intimacy and your cooperation will get enhanced.You can add this to suggestion of CRSe'.....
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Avatar universal
I believe your mind is putting too much emphasis on performance, and has you under pressure; correct presumption that it is psychological and not related to the attractiveness of your wife or your desire for her.
Take some time to connect with her through intimate communication, and affection; affirming her that she is desirable and worthy of your attention and devotion.
Let passion be rekindled. When your focus is upon passion for her, that will overwhelm you naturally.
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6726276 tn?1421126668
Why not get you wife interested in listening to you read sexy story's for example. There's a web site called Literotica. You could set the stage. Soft music. Candles. Buy her a new nightie.
  Then just relax and read to her. Maybe do some kissing afterwards.
Or to the other extreme, I know couples who read the bible to each other. Then express some form of intimacy.
  Try acting like teenagers again. Where you know you won't be going " all the way."!
The idea here is to relax. Rebuild trust. Have fun. Do new experiences.
This is where her confidence will improve. This is also the way to heal your own psychological trauma.  Trust me. Be loving. Open minded and romantic.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your insight, but I do initiate it too. I just made mention of the first instance that was initiated by her for reference. Nowhere did it say that she was the only one initiating.
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Avatar universal
On the surface, from your description this sounds like:  1) performance ED or 2) just a once-in-a-great-while ED, due to normal male tiredness, stresses, or other distractions that happen from time to time.  More troubling, as I read your overview of your situation, is that you are not initiating sex with your wife.  This is telling in that there must be something else going on in your life that you are not relating here.      
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139792 tn?1498585650
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Southwest , MI
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