I feel disconnected from my penis

Hey I'm 19

Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend (who I was with for two years) I've been finding it hard to get an erection... it's been over a month now. I used to get an erection on command when I went out with my ex but since the break up I've just went all floppy. I was with a new girl last night and we were all over eachother so I was like great I think its time to do the no pants dance... only my penis wasn't up for the dance. I wasn't in the mood at all even when she had her legs open ready for me. She was gutted and so was I.

I have smoked quite a bit of weed recently and was wondering if that could have lowered my sex drive? I can get an erection I just feel "damn it feels like so much effort getting a boner." I ordered some viagra as a temp solution.

I used to be pro at getting an erection now I feel like I'm all worn out.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

OK kid. Stop worrying. First of all, there’s no such thing as “sex drive.” I think you’re referring to sexual interest or desire. And, yes, marijuana can depress desire. But, more importantly, what can depress desire even further is not dealing with emotional issues, thinking you can just move on without processing them, and feeling like you have to “perform” or that you “should” be turned on, just because you’re with a woman. Sound familiar?

Sounds to me like you’re pushing yourself to have sex with a woman before you’re emotionally ready after your break-up. Listen to your penis; it’s trying to tell you something. Sexual interest ebbs and flows as well, depending on other circumstances in your life. Something is getting in the way of your enjoyment, and it’s your job to find out what it is.

Viagra doesn’t create sexual interest or enhance sensation; it merely increases blood flow to your penis. If you have an organic condition which affects blood flow, then Viagra can, indeed alleviate this concern. However, if you’re conflicted about sex, or uninterested, or some other psychological or emotional concern is preventing you from being turned on, all the pills in the world can’t help that, and since you’re having erections at other times besides with a partner (e.g., morning erections), chances are there aren’t any physical causes and there’s something psychological contributing to your concern.
If so, a good first step would be to explore what’s going on. Start by reading a book about male sexuality to learn more. I recommend “the New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D.

I will also tell you the same thing I’ve told many men: Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.

The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more worries you'll have. If you're stressed, you'll probably worry even more. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

The best thing you can do for yourself is relax and let go of worrying. You’ll find that once you stop worrying about erection, you can enjoy simple touch. Your body will respond automatically once your brain stops getting in the way. Best of luck to you. Dr. J