Is ED mental?

Im a 28yo Male.  My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about 7 months ago for another man. I was hurt and it bothered me for a long time after that. We recently tried to hook back up but when we got down to it I couldnt get an erection. It devistated me and her.... Ever since then I have a hard time getting an erection with women, have no desire for sex and morning erections have declined. (I used to get an erection just thinking about the act of sex) The thing is I am still attracted to her. But these problems happen with all the women I have been with after that episode. I find myself getting real anxious/worried during foreplay or sex now. What is wrong with me??

1. Is this all mental?
2. Also, I used to masterbate ALL the time and watch porn. Will this ruin my sex drive?
3. Any natural things I can do to help my sex drive?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

Here are answers to your questions:

1. Probably. Sounds like you're sad, depressed and anxious. All of these contribute to lack of desire and an uncooperative penis. It might benefit you to process any unfinished business you have with your ex so you can move on.
2. No (there's no such thing as a "sex drive." What you're referring to is sexual interest and sexual desire. Self-pleasuring usually enhances desire rather than detracting from it.
3. Don't know what you mean by "natural." Perhaps you're referring to activities to change your attitude about sex? If so, read on.

Welcome to your 20’s! Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to let go of such a narrow definition of what constitutes “good sex.”

Much of your problem is due to your attitude. Once you had that experience with your ex, you started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious!

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.

Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either.  Best of luck to you. Dr. J