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Middle aged and so sad...

I have been married for over 30 years to the only sexual partner I have ever had.  We have 2 grown, married children but we work in two different towns and only see each other once every 3 months or so due to work.  My husband is sweet to me and has been a wonderful partner with my health problems when I was recently hospitalized due to chronic illness (auto-immune diseases).  I was raised to believe that once married you are obligated to stay married to the same spouse no matter what.  I choose my husband based on the fact he was a good candidate for marriage despite the fact that I knew he was not the love of my life...but do NOT get me wrong...I do love him.  We have had separate bedrooms for several, several years and have not had sex at all for the past few years. He is overweight and is addicted to video-games and porn for his outlet and has no interest what-so-ever in having sex with me and claims any medication that his doctor has given him to help him with sex only makes him feel worse.  Yes I am slightly overweight now, after-all I turn 50 this year so it is harder to maintain the same slim figure I used to have, but I cannot help but feel as though it is my fault that we cannot have an intimate relationship any longer. This man is good to my/our kids and was wonderful when I needed him to help me through my serious medical problems.  I feel bad going to an outside force for advice, but I cannot help but feel lonely and saddened by the fact that there is NO intimacy in our relationship and will not be if he continues to believe all is statuesque with us.  He believes since we have been married for so many years thus far and since he is the major-contributor to our financial warfare that I am to continue on as we have been doing for the past several years and not complain.  He still tells me he loves me and still kisses me in public, but that is where the intimacy ends with us.  He preys on the fact that he knows I came from a strict religious background and was also sexually abused as a child, there-fore it is my place to always submit to him, but I am now (after finally realizing I need to spread my own wings) a successful business owner in a town 300 miles away from our home near where he works.  He has used idle threats over the years to keep me from considering leaving him such as the fact that he is the reason I have health insurance or he would never pay child support, etc...yet he has always made sure to let me know that his money is his and we thus far are still in crippling finance debt due to the fact that he cannot manage money and waste money on things he wants instead of things we need.  I know it sounds as though I am painting a bad picture, but believe it or not, he is a good man, loved in our church and comes across as a loving husband and father despite the fact that I raised my 2 kids all by myself while he traveled for his job so my kids never really connected with him very well.  Now you might say that I should leave him but there are several matters to consider.  One, he still is the one who carries my medical expenses and even though most do not realize it to see me, there are numerous medical expenses on my part since I have a couple disabilities that need consent attention.  I came from a poverty-stricken family as a child and had a father who was so closed-off from me that I was "scared to death" of him.  My mother was extremely religious yet extremely naive and is the reason I was in an abusive situation as a child.  My hind-sight is 20/20, unfortunately I am at a loss as to whether to pursue a divorce and take my chances at this late stage in the game on my health problems getting resolved financially without the benefit of my husband's medical coverage, or if I should continue and quit complaining as I know there are so many others going through worse than I am.  I forgot to mention the fact that I am an only child and I am also trying to take care of my 2 aging parents and my aging (97 years old) grandmother) myself with my income from my small business.  Yes, my business is successful and has been for the past 5 years, but it takes almost all of the proceeds to take care of the needs of my parents, grandmother and contribute back into the business to get it to continue forward.  I can tell that my husband is getting nervous that I might break-away from my so-called marriage since he has been a bit more attentive yet still is not willing to work toward our future in any physical way.  He uses is health...(over-weight) excuse as a reason why he will not do anything at home like maintain the house problems (like plumbing and electrical problems despite the fact that he works in construction), yard maintenance or any other chores...leaving me to be responsible for all upkeep on both of our residence' even though I work as hard as he does at my business/job.  I have always been the one to take care for the kids, home and yard but he has been the one who traveled for many years to find work to support this family.  The more I write this letter the more I realize this sounds hopeless and I should be brave and leave this marriage after investing 30+ years in it...but I am scared, scarred and frightened, as I have been married since I was 19 years old and will soon hit the big 50 myself. I have never looked at another man and there fore this is not about wanting to go to another partner for my needs...but I have been taking measures to increase my health-issues,by dieting, exercising the best that I can despite my illness and trying to have a better outlook on life but now I need to know, "Am I being selfish"?  Is this just a mid-life crisis?" I have never had a marriage where I could communicate with my spouse and if I try to he closes off and walks away or gets extremely angry with me.  Besides prayers, what can I do?  I feel so hopeless and lonely and yet fearful to change my life at this point.  What do you suggest?  Thank you for letting me pour out my heart in such a long email....
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Avatar universal
Thank you ryanlouis....after I wrote this I realized that I really just needed to communicate better with my hubby and maybe we can find a solution...thanks!
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Avatar universal
30 years is a very long time. A long time of suffering? A long time of love? It dosent matter.  You know him and he knows you better then anybody. Tell him what your feeling. In a non threat approach.  See what happens.
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