Need some info.

I am 28 years of age and have masterbated for many of the years.  My girlfriend I have never had problems with sex untill about two weeks ago.  I have had the problem of getting hard so I was wondering if masterbation (masturbation) could cause this type of problem, and and cures for this type of problem.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

OK. Take a deep breath and relax. Self-pleasuring doesn't "cause" any problems. However, once you get past your teens and begin working, etc., your energy level is bound to change. This isn't necessarily a negative; merely a fact of life which you have to take into account. If you're doing lots of self-pleasuring, your body may not be recovering as quickly as it used to for partner sex. You might want to try cutting back a little on the self-pleasuring in order to build up some erotic tension for partner sex. Note that I said this MAY be an issue. There are other possibilities.

Let’s look at some possibilities. Many of us are shy and/or nervous around a new partner, and this can definitely have an effect on erection.

Many factors can influence desire and consequently, erection. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises?

Are you feeling anxious about being sexual with your girlfriend? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or perhaps you’re not receiving enough stimulation during p-v, or you might be starting p-v before you’re turned on enough. In addition, some condoms don’t allow enough stimulation. If you use condoms (which is a great idea), try some of the thinner models, usually marked “ultra-thin” or similar. I’m also wondering how aroused you are by your partner. You could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.

Other reasons: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.

So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself.

I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.

In addition to examining the above issues, I also highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available online, both used and in paperback and is an invaluable resource. Best of luck to you. Dr. J