Erectile Dysfunction Expert Forum
No ejaculation during sex
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Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems or erectile dysfunction.

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No ejaculation during sex

I have recently started dating a woman who I really like a lot but I am not able to have an orgasm during sex with her. We have only recently started having sex about a week now and I have orgasmed with one time during sex but nothing else since then. I do become aroused and erect and then when we have intercourse it seems that I lose the sensation that leads to orgasm and eventually I lose my erection too. I am very turned on by her and I don't want her to think that I am not. She hasn't really been bothered by it to much yet but it bothers me because I do enjoy intercourse with her. This has happened before when I have gotten into a new relationship so it's not the first time but I just wondered if something was wrong with me. We are more active sexually than I have ever been in the beginning of a relationship than any of my past experiences having sex every day for the past 5 days. Typicaly it takes me about a week or two to get past this and then I am fine and I am able to reach orgasm every time.  I am able to orgasm during masterbation (masturbation) so I know that their isn't a problem with that. When I don't have a sexual partner I do masturbate pretty regularly and I wondered if that might be the problem because of different sensations that I am feeling or maybe I am masturbating to much.
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Hi.

Here we go again: as soon as anyone's penis doesn't do EXACTLY what they want, when they want, they blame it on self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. And there's no such thing as "over-masturbation." Every one is different. Some people enjoy self-pleasuring hourly, monthly, daily, yearly, and everything in between. Whatever works for you is what works for you.

There's obviously a reason why you're uncomfortable with being sexual in a new relationship, and it's your job to figure out what it is.

You can worry yourself into a state where you won't allow yourself to become aroused by a new partner, or you can engage in some self-reflection and figure this out. Here's some general information for you, which may help.

There are several issues here: the first is whether you do, in fact, experience a total lack of sensation. Sometimes when men no longer have the erections they expect to have, they interpret this as a lack of feeling when, in reality, it’s merely that the sensations have changed to something unfamiliar. Of course, condoms can also reduce sensation. Ah ha! Have you thought of that? Try finding the thinnest condom you can and then experiment with it during self-pleasuring.

It’s also possible that you had a condition which temporarily interfered with sensation, but once you became anxious and your confidence disappeared, you started worrying so much that it became a vicious circle: the more you worried, the more your penis refused to cooperate. Not to worry; lots of men have overcome this concern.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just convinced yourself there’s something amiss, and now you’ve created a viscous circle. As soon as your penis didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you started to worry. Sex is all about what’s going on in your head. The more you worry, the more your penis isn’t going to cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! You need to relax. If someone tells you NOT to think of elephants, what’s the first thing you think about? That’s right. Elephants. And if you worry about getting erections, same thing: self-fulfilling prophesy.

Erections go up and down. You’ll find this happening all your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex, but you have to adjust your attitude and relax. Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

For more information about erection issues, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.

Relax, stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy sex for what it is: pleasure. Give yourself permission to enjoy whatever happens—and find partners who aren’t hung up on performances issues either. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
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