Erectile Dysfunction Expert Forum
No hard on with having neuropathy
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Questions in the Erection Concerns Forum are being answered by Janice M Epp, PhD, a Clinical Sexologist from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. This forum is for questions and discussions about the psychological aspects of Erection problems or erectile dysfunction.

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No hard on with having neuropathy

I like sex but need help, I can't get a real hard on to have sex with my wife, I start and it goes soft.
My wife uses a vibrator and can make it come, or if sometimes make a little pain on the end helps.
My wife I can make come using a vibrating dido. She says it would be nice to have a real penis in me.
I get tired of the artificial thing, is this a hint to let a guy stick in her, one more time. It makes me excited thinking about it, what to do. Two problems we are seventy. But still like sex
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Hi.

I’m not sure what you’re asking, so please write back and clarify. I think you’re saying that you have erections at the beginning of being sexual with your wife, but once you start, your erection goes away. Is that correct? You also use the term “neuropathy,” so I’m wondering if you’ve been diagnosed with this condition. Neuropathy of the penis would indicate some physiological damage causing you to lose sensation in your penis. Does this pertain to you? Without knowing your situation, I can only give you some general information.

Welcome to your 60’s! When you're younger and just beginning to be sexual with others, erections pop up everywhere--including when you don't want them! Post-pubescent men are highly excitable. As you age, you’ll find that you need more direct touch and stimulation. This is just part of life and doesn’t indicate any underlying condition to worry about.

Also as part of the aging process, you'll find that erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. Again, this is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life. Sexual interest ebbs and flows as well, depending on other circumstances in your life.  Also realize the more stress you’re under, the less energy your body has to respond sexually, so stop worrying!

If you get erections at times other than during partner sex, that may indicate that something about being sexual with your wife is problematic for you. I bet if you think for awhile, you might be able to identify just what that is. Here are some possibilities: Much of your problem may be due to your attitude. Once your penis didn't act as you expected, you probably started feeling anxious and judging yourself, which can be a vicious circle. The more you worry about erections, the more your penis won’t cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious!  Many men feel that if their erection goes down even a tiny bit, there’s something wrong with them. Where does this come from?

Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. By being so goal-oriented, some men never get to feel the simple pleasures of touch, of kissing, of soft skin on skin. And, of course, if you can allow yourself to let go of goals and just enjoy, guess what? That erection will come right back. So don’t focus so much on penis-vagina (p-v) sex as the “end-all, be-all” of sex, but rather just let yourself relax and enjoy whatever occurs. And don’t have p-v sex until you’re ready.

The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Ask yourself whether you have any conflicts about being sexual—any old messages that might be lurking in your subconscious.

There are many other reasons why you may be inhibited with your partner. This could be due to anxiety—either about sex in general, or about some aspect of your relationship. Perhaps the intimacy of sex is making you uncomfortable? Why would that be? What does it represent to you—and to your partner? These are questions to ask yourself. Or it might just be that some aspect of partner sex creates anxiety

Or perhaps you’re not receiving enough stimulation during partner sex, or you might be starting sex before you’re turned on enough. In addition, some men find that certain condoms limit sensation, and, of course, this can intensify with each experience, leading to more anxiety. I’m also wondering how aroused you are by your partner. You could be bored, or perhaps some aspect of your relationship isn’t satisfying.

To sum up: Worrying about erections is a dead-end street. All it will do is make you anxious, which will make your penis very uncooperative. And remember you don't need an erection to be sexual, have fun, experience pleasure, etc. Relax, enjoy your own unique sexuality and stop judging yourself. For more information about this and other men’s issues, I recommend the book, “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available both used and in paperback. The information in this book has helped millions of men overcome discomfort and anxiety about sex. Good luck to you. Dr. J
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